Bat Boy Seeks Ambassador Posting

In the summer of 2007, the World Weekly News ceased publication. This inspired the following, which I submitted as the lead article for publication in a humorous newsletter circulated within my company.
In a tribute to the paper’s style, most of the article was pure invention, with a few real facts and quotes thrown in to give it believability.

Headline “Bat Boy Unemployed, Seeks post as Foreign Ambassador.”
GC- CMOT Dibbler:

Bat boy, long time staff member and frequent headline news subject, was as shocked as the rest of the 50 plus members on staff who were handed pink slips earlier this month when the 'World Weekly News' announced that it was ceasing publication. 'I was as shocked as anyone' he said, 'I mean, there was no warning. No indication anything was wrong. It was come to work as normal, answer a few phone calls, pose for the staff reporter in front of the back drop de-jure, brainstorm the next assignment. Then back from lunch to a handshake, final pay packet, and a 'sorry kid' pat on the shoulder? That’s it?” Asked if he had any plans for the future he stated “Well, its sort of sudden like, isn't it. I’ve got to step back, take a few days to re-asses where I'm at, evaluate my options and stuff. Maybe I'll talk to my friends in the state department, see if they have any openings in the ambassadorial line of work, you know? One of those places that only the intelligence department has heard of; where all you need to do is show up, answer a few phone calls, pose for the state photographer, sign the banana export authorization forms, and deny knowing anything about any American activity when the local press calls. Yea, I think I can do that.
His wife, reached by phone at the hospital where she is currently resting after the birth of her third set of twin Elvis clones, is quoted as saying “Ooohhhh, light pretty. Pretty Button! Make light go on, light go off, light go on, light go off, light go on, light go off, light go on, light go off, any ess tea hell eeh hess, Nestley makes the very best, chocolate! Oohh, is it medication time already?”
Other people interviewed were Alfred Pirot Montique Ambrose the third, better known to his fans as 'Space Alien' who reiterated that the paper’s shutting down was, in his words, "Indeed yes, quite the shocker. It's frightfully sad when something like this happens, especially to such a well respected and dignified publication such as this." His good friend and long time acquaintance, who goes by the trade name 'Sasquatch', was also understandably upset. "What are we going to do?” he asks. “Most of us (employed) here are of a rather elite group. We have gifted individuals with rather unique and specialized talents. Admittedly, we tend to lead a rather sheltered life, but that is mainly because some of us don't feel comfortable with the regular 9 to 5 crowd. Most of us are quite shy, actually. I'm not sure if any of us will easily find another place to work”
However, the man known simply as ‘Wolf Boy’ disagrees. Wolf Boy is rather unique in the group because of his extensive and varied employment record. He has held jobs in many diverse areas, including: Fry Cook, Bus Boy, Aircraft Mechanic, Radio DJ, Bus Driver, Lead Guitar (in the Punk/Foke fusion band 'Gratitude Surfers’), Drive-thru Attendant, Technical Sales Representative, Librarian, Movie Usher, Pest Exterminator, Editorial Columnist, 3rd Violin (with the Arkansas Philharmonic), and Junior Procurement Officer. "Nothing lasts!" he states, "You gotta learn to move with the times, roll with the punches, go with the flow, know what I mean?” Pausing for a moment to reflect, and have a quick scratch, he continues "I mean, it was a good gig while it lasted, steady pay, travel, great bunch a guys to hang out with. It's been fun. Now it’s back to job hunting. Crying shame really."
Bob Greenberger, regular staff writer, has been quoted as saying "the reasons given (for shutting down) make no sense. We're stunned and shell shocked"
Sadly, with the shutting down of one of the finest entertainment newspapers the world has known, keeping tabs on our friends and finding out about the really important stuff has just gotten a whole lot more difficult.