i hope it doesn't come to that.

i was poised on the edge, not stable and not falling. it's been like this for a while, i thought to myself as i leaned forward to peer over the railing of the balcony. a subtle breeze played through my hair, which was curling around my face in the summer humidity. brushing it out of my eyes, i sighed. the sights of the city below me, shrunk to the size of ants by ten stories and the summer haze were stagnant and ever-changing at the same time. it was the familiar rush of the world that moved too fast, its edges too sharp, its people too cold and too hard for me to handle. that was my problem i guess...i'd just never gotten used to it.

i reached into my pocket, pulled out my cell phone. it was my only connection to anyone now. my life was the same almost every day: morning coffee, nine hours in the office, editing stories for a paper that was dying, as all print journalism is, a solitary dinner, then home to my apartment. it was the only way my acquaintences could contact me, should they need money or the occasional hour of companionship. suddenly curious, i looked at the time my last text message was recieved. yesterday. it was funny how someone like me, that lived in a crowded city such as this, could me contacted by no one for so long. actually, it wasnt funny at all...it was the reality. i was alone; i had no one. i ran my thumb along the edge of the device, the smooth brushed plastic cold to my touch. mind made up, i was suddenly releasing my breath quickly, i opened my hand and watched it fall for a second, and then blinked slowly as it careened towards earth and, no longer visibly, collided. what was i doing?

i knew what i was doing. i'd been doing it slowly now for years. drawing away, shutting down. cutting myself off. and why? because i was done. i'd been bright, eager, and ready to face the world when i left home, fresh out of high school. i was determined to make up for the lost years that my parents had stolen from me with their old fashioned, small town conservative ways. the college days were a blur, as everyone's should be. but i'd never really gotten the sense that i was ready to face the world as a functioning adult. i was still waiting, waiting, for things to feel right again. i was still determined, but that determination was fading as every day passed. something was still missing. i knew what it was. i knew that it wasnt coming back. but still, i waited. prayed to a god that i didnt believe in. the years slipped by me. i was still waiting. i was still alone.

i dont know why i never recovered after he left me, but somehow, that's the reason that i've lost touch with the person that i used to be. a piece of me went away with him that summer, and he knew it. he promised to return it. he swore that he would, that he'd come back to me. i believed him for so long, longer than i should have and longer than was practical. after a while, i knew that it was a lost cause, that i'd fallen prey as im sure many other women have before me. but it wasn't the fact that he'd never returned that hurt me the most. he was just a boy, and no matter how daring and bold and exciting he'd seemed when i was just sixteen, there were other boys, better than he. i knew that for a fact. i'd met them. kissed their lips, slept in their beds. but it wasn't the same. all those years of waiting, those seconds that i stared at the phone that had just shattered against the concrete had leeched out any desire in me to love again. i'd never loved anyone besides him. i just didnt want to.

so there i was, alone, bitter and confused. i'd had enough of it, that eternal waiting game that my life had become long before that night. i was poised on the edge, the master of my own flesh and being. i rocked back on my heels, considered it all. could i learn to love again? could i find purpose, friendship, direction in my life? could i discover those things in corner of some thrift shop downtown? could i buy them from some vender on the street? i couldn't. i didn't want to, i was far too tired by that point. besides, now was the time. there was no note, i had no one in the world. i look one breath, my last, and stepped from the surface on which i'd grown comfortable but was not happy.

Her eyes flew open just as she would have hit the ground, her breathing shallow. The clock read just past four in the morning. Sitting up in bed, she shook out her long hair. Glancing around her dark bedroom, she reached for a glass of water and a bottle of pills.

What a terrible dream , she thought as she swallowed three of the capsules that would ensure the rest of her night was still and dreamless. I hope it never comes to that.