Thoughts of Life

Thoughts of Life

By: Erik P

This story is based on actual events.

         The world is a sick and twisted place, filled with scum who are at the top of the food chain. These are the same bastards that look down at the poor and view them as the cockroach infested problem society has. The middle class are often no better than those high rolling, big shots. That’s exactly what I’m part of, in-between the cracks of the cesspool of human beings. I look up to see the people who have it made and look down at the low lives who have nothing. So what does that make me? If only it were that easy to answer, since my life seems to be going nowhere. In my middle class “American” dream, I am to be successful in life, but now that I’m half way done with college what am I really getting myself into? I have no more experience for my line of work then I did at the end of high school, yet in two years I’m supposed to get out of my parents house and make a living of my own. On top of that I have a girlfriend who seems to have her life all figured out.

         Life is becoming more and more worthless by the day. My purpose in life is fading as is my will to make it to that top of the food chain; those scum. As my day to day routine flies by, I stare at the clock ticking away on the wall. The only thing that drives me is the fact that I don’t want to wind up in poverty. So I make my feeble attempt at being just the right amount of evil, the only evil that can be achieved by being Homo sapiens. We all know how the story goes, we grow up thinking we can be whatever we want. Our innocent eyes and soul are kept from being tarnished with the bad soil that keeps the world growing. There’s no need to explain that, but it’s a completely different matter to experience it firsthand. The unstoppable drive towards shattered dreams and hopes come closer. Life is only hard because we as a people make it hard. It could be simple if we weren’t such complex creatures. Everything these days seem to piss me off, my computer, my girlfriend, and that damn ticking clock.

         People tell me I have an uncanny way of comparing and explaining things. I rationalize my thoughts the way I want them to be made out to be. Whether any of it is true or false makes no difference, it’s my psych and what I believe that matters most. Is that so selfish? Don’t religions do the same brainwashing effects towards the general population? If you have enough faith and think something is real enough, there’s no questions asked; perhaps by others but not of yourself. These thoughts race through my mind every now and then, if life wasn’t hard enough, I have to deal with crazy assholes that praise imaginary idols. My brand new computer angers me, as over time it seems to be getting slower and slower. I’m a computer nerd, I know how they work, why doesn’t this $2,000 piece of junk run more smoothly. I have middle class values.

         The clock advances towards the late hours of the night. It’s almost 1AM, so I decide to blast my music to keep myself in a cheerful mood. Any attempt I make is always destroyed as I then lay on my bed, toss and turn, trying to fall asleep, only to be met by voices. My own voice talking, trying to put the pieces of life and my computer problem together, none of it makes sense. I feel like I may be too paranoid sometimes, I see a mosquito in my room and my skin starts to itch for hours. It might have flown away; perhaps my life will end up just fine. I might get a career, keep a stable relationship, have kids, but the mosquito could still be in my room.  My girlfriend and I fight with each other for ridiculous reasons. There never is a purpose why one of us has become angry, what is the purpose of life? It’s usually me that gets angry at her and sometimes she gets angry at me just because I got angry at her. Things like that seem to loop in an infinite circle; if we were unable to compromise neither one of us would drop the stupid emotion. I am driven by emotions, yet I rarely display them in public.

         I decide to visit a psychiatrist; she keeps trying to make me admit that I’m depressed; I keep looking at her breasts. I can’t believe I got a gorgeous psychiatrist, I also can’t believe people get hired for the way they look.  One day I had an interview at a restaurant. I had a bad case of acne and a good resume. They never called me back but it’s not like I need the money anyway, I can live off of what my mom gives me. I have middle class values. Our conversation veers’ away from depression when she finds out I have a girlfriend. The psychiatrist has a ticking clock in her office, I tell her that our time is up; I have to pick up a package at home anyway. I excitedly dash home, ripping open the box with the computer upgrade inside. My computer should run smoothly for another couple of months now. I load it up and download a bunch of porn, what else is there to do. I seemed to have made a bad habit to check for new and interesting porno online every day. Not only did I make it a habit, but it’s might just be considered an addiction. If I’m bored out of my mind and I’m on the computer I wind up on a porn site, not knowing how I got there.

         I listen to a song about love fading and feel as if it’s happening to me. I start having flashes of my girlfriend breaking up with me. As I remember I’m the one that has gotten angry at her, my thoughts change and it’s me breaking up with her. I listen to a song about dancing next; I get the urge to dance in public places. I often decide to dwell in little side projects, whether it’s making videos, animations, or writing stories, either way I get distracted. I seem to never finish my projects but on the rare occasions that I do, I am happy with my work. Anything that doesn’t meet my standards gets thrown out, increasing the amount of unfinished projects I have. My girlfriend displayed interest in what I’ve been up to for the past few days and I expressed my love for her. She also told me that she’s taking a trip to California for a week. I expressed my hate by not saying anything at all. I usually don’t try to speak my mind because I tend to act like an asshole.

         I admire oddities in everyday life. The person with the weird crooked eyes, the bald girl, the skinny kid with the broken glasses, they are all my friends. I seek joy in making people happy and I often feel like I’m a prophet that has come to this Earth to help those in need. Other times I feel unwanted and feel useless.  It feels weird having someone I don’t know help me instead, but I don’t think I need any help. Back at the psychiatrist and everything is tame. Why can’t she ask me something interesting, something out of the ordinary?
“Yeah I really don’t feel down all the time. It’s just a current phase I’m going through.”
“But if it is a phase, then surly you could agree this phase could be depression.”
“Anything is possible, but I doubt I have any of the symptoms. Sometimes people just feel like shit, you can’t expect the common person to be skipping around gaily all the time.”
“I suppose, so you don’t want me to dwell on this subject any longer?”
“No thank you ma’am. I’m usually an upbeat kind of guy, laid back, and not a care in the world; until I reached college.”
“Let me prod elsewhere then, if I may. How’s your sexual life?” Well that’s definitely something interesting, I think to myself.
I reply to her, “Everything is great. Sex is good, although it’s been lacking since I last seen my girlfriend. I then resort to masturbation since she is not around; as anyone would I’m sure. And with my girlfriend, well it did start to get a little boring.” I felt a little strange telling this to my psychiatrist but since she is an attractive female, deep down inside I wanted to tell her even more. But for once in a long while, time was up instead of dragging along.

         My life is stuck in the present and the future. I can barely see what’s passing by in front of me so I have to take the time to analyze it and predict the outcome of things. As you may have noticed my predictions have negative outcomes, which are affected by what’s smacking me in the face during the present point in time. But what happened to the past and all the awesome memories I had? Come to think of it, some of it sucked, though life was so much simpler and fun. The future was always scary so what’s the difference now, the scale of things? I guess jumping from the fear of wondering what high school and college are going to be like are dwarfed compared to working and life after college. The clock is ticking away and I find myself staring again. What’s this obsession I have with time? Come to think of it, time does represent how much closer I’m getting to finishing college, to the final grand scheme of things, to the end of my day to day routine, and the time it takes me to do any sort of action.

         A couple of days after I talked to my psychiatrist I met up with some of my friends. What a change of scenery, not a care in the world when I’m with other people. We decide to go to a dance club and my spirit is lifted as I get to express myself in strange ways. I dance to the popular songs played; I don’t care what others think of me. Whether I’m a good dancer or not, people usually lean towards the fact that someone has the balls to dance. At least when you’re young, perhaps it’s different when you’re older. I’ve seen people for who they really are during prom night in high school. A majority of my friends did not want to dance, while the people I never talk to did. It was bizarre, I’m the shy one, I’m not very outgoing, but I guess I love to express myself in various ways. What I do seems to take control of me, I don’t do anything flashy to impress people but I listen to the rhythm of the music and move my body accordingly.
I shout loudly so my friends can hear me, “Gentleman, are you prepared for our next adventure?”
“Why of course bro, how come you never do any of that crazy shit around us?”
“Well it’s different when theirs others around dancing and the music is so loud. Anyway you guys barley danced in their!”
“Oh man I wasn’t feeling it. I can tango, salsa, but shit, that music wasn’t for those kind of dances.”
“True that, let’s blow this joint.”

         The night time fascinates me, everything is different. I myself am strict when it comes to going to bed so I never stay up too late. But when I do, I feel some natural high as my body tells me I am tired. People tell me I sound like a pot head or act like I’m drunk. I don’t touch any of that nonsense, but it’s very amusing. I’m amazed at how many people are up at the late hours yet at the same time parking lots and streets become empty. It sometimes feels like I entered another a dimension, even my own neighborhood is strange to me at night. People tend to be naturally rebellious and apparently not going to bed is a popular stand against…well I don’t know what. Perhaps it’s because our parents give us bed times when we are younger that makes us want to rebel against sleep. Perhaps it is society’s standards to close up all stores and entertainment that we rebel instead. My girlfriend finally called me, only to tell me we have five minutes to talk. At this point I don’t really feel like saying anything. What is there to discuss in five minutes except for the common bullshit of how ones day might be. I don’t call her myself; it’s completely pointless since she’s always busy. It doesn’t matter; I’ll be watching porn soon anyway. Porn has some hilarious dialogue.

         In my head a repeated rhyme forms, tick tock, tick tock, goes the clock while I’m with my doc. To fight the boredom I observe her more carefully. Her cleavage is exposed, her legs are covered in white stockings, and her sandals expose her beautiful feet. “Tell me what’s on your mind,” exclaims the sexy psychiatrist.
“Well I’m slightly bothered with my relationship. It always seemed unsteady and I’m not quite sure if I’m actually satisfied with my sex life anymore.”
“You did in fact tell me your girlfriend was away.”
“Yeah but I mean even while she was there, it wasn’t always passionate for me, what happened to the excitement?”
“Go on; don’t be afraid to leave anything out.”
“Well, I just don’t know, it’s a bit boring. I feel like we’re a married couple already, blowjobs seem like a task for her, and intercourse feels like a task for me.”
“So what your saying is, you still were very active but perhaps your feelings lie somewhere else?”
“I definitely don’t imagine having sex with anyone else, but I just feel like she’s not performing like I want her too. I have so many fantasies yet she just wants to do it one way, one position, one location, and nothing every changes. We don’t even talk dirty online or on the phone anymore, she’s always busy or tired.”
“Is sex the only thing that you think of when you describe your relationship as ‘unsteady’?”
“No, a lot of things bother me.” My telephone suddenly rings; I’m in my room lying on my bed at 2 in the morning. I wonder who it could be.

         My girlfriend is back from California and we got to talk for half an hour online every day after the trip. Most of the time she was barley responsive, even when I told her I had to go she didn’t care why, she simply said "alright, goodbye." Although she tells me that she’s misses me, I don't see how I can take that seriously when she finds it more important to do other things on the computer or around the house while we haven’t gotten to talk in so long. As I've said before I don't call her because I never know when she is available except for late night. She doesn’t even want to see me on a webcam, even though she talks to her friends on webcams all the time. So I would think if neither one of us is calling each other and neither one of us want to chat with a web cam, she would put in a little effort to talk to me regularly online without getting distracted by something else. When this happens I usually say bye; she never asks why. All of this used to make me persistent to continue our conversation and tell her we should call each other more often. But as time has gone by I simply don’t care anymore, I'll keep signing off, and I'll stop going online to see what happens.

         My thought are now lost within my mind. I pick and prod at it but can only think of my damn relationship. Every hour and every minute has become even more painful and the sound of the clock ticking grows louder. It echo’s in my head, I try to think of something else but I can't. I was out with my family, helping out to assemble some wooden chairs and tables. It was a nice distraction until I was done with the work. Tomorrow will be different, I will see a mass amount of friends, some of which I haven’t seen in ages. Tomorrow I will forget, tomorrow my pain will fade. There’s no amends to make, having another conversation won't do anything. Even if I finally have the perfect conversation, the past few weeks will torture me. Well isn’t that funny, the one time I can think of the past instead of the present, just so happens to make me equally emotionally unstable. Why can't I view my girlfriends as she is presently and ignore her past mistakes? She is so oblivious to some of the things happening between us. Sometimes she gets angry at me for the sole reason that I am angry at her. Nice going, I see you never need to apologize or make me feel better. Sometimes she would rather look at the bright side instead of facing the facts, never even bothering to ask if there’s something she could do to make me feel better, just carrying out a bullshit conversation which often makes me angrier.
         
         My girlfriend and I talk online and I explode with the pressure that I had built in my own head as she digs under my skin. After the fight between my girlfriend and I, my mind fast forewords to the next day, where my friend from the dance club is having a barbeque. The Spanish music is blasting, now with these beats everyone starts dancing. The chef flips a burger into the air and slaps some more meat onto the grill to the rhythm of the song. Tequila is poured onto the meat, fire blazing, for some extra flavor and spectacle. I then witness a typical peer pressure scenario that everyone seemed to master. Screwdrivers were being mixed and served by someone who was pouring way too much vodka inside. Some people didn’t take the drink, the ones who did drink a quarter of it and then placed it down to never be picked up again. The two people serving the drinks were the only ones gulping down one after the other. The drunks became pests, harassing girls, stumbling, singing loudly, and one of them even groped my ass.

         People started to scatter as some had to go home, fireworks were set off by the drunken duo and unfortunately they didn’t hurt themselves. The party dwindled down to a handful of us, why did the drunks have to stay? One of them persistently looked for the hidden vodka, like a drug addict searching for his missing stash. Finally there were four of us left but the party had not died. Although the Spanish music stopped blasting, the video game system had been hooked up and ready to play. By four o clock we had all fallen asleep in the chilly barbeque party house. We had awoken to an amazing smell that made our stomachs growl. Pancakes and eggs were being served by our female friend. It was technically lunch time, which made it feel like we hadn’t eaten in days. I knew it, spending my time here for two days and one night most certainty made me forget about all of my problems. After hanging around the house, watching television, telling stories, and eating some more, I received a phone call.

         I never could have been more wrong about my situation. My girlfriend had called me, everything flooding back into my mind that I had been trough. I would have never expected such an event to occur but there was nothing I could do but answer. The phone call was awkward, what could I talk to her about after my emotional state, after our fight, after we made up? The extraordinary time I just had would be the obvious choice to use in conversation but it just didn’t click. I told her I would call her back, I wasn’t in any mood to talk, though I did have to go eat with my friends at the time. I don’t know how well I can do with another call. Once we run out of things to talk about, it gets silent, but with the silence comes all of my previous thoughts about the relationship we are in. It’s hard to think with all these questions and complaints I have. Oh well look at the time; I haven’t looked at some porn yet.

         I had to call my girlfriend today. I was fine all day, I even kept thinking about her. Yet as soon as she didn’t pick up the phone, my frustration built up towards her. She had a valid reason but I was still thinking of not picking up when she called back. Then she reminded me how she doesn’t even cry in sad movies, every time I'm upset I can spot all the things I don’t like about her and make it build towards the tension. Today I had a mixture of feelings when I was on the phone with her. I didn’t want to talk, yet I did. I really didn’t even understand what this feeling was. All I knew was that at times I have felt so outraged that I haven’t seen her in so long, so upset we barley talk, so frustrated at the little things I don't like about her, that it makes me want to ignore her. But this time it was different and what I think these feelings really pointed to, was love. I always feel as if love is lacking, or that it went away somewhere. I always wondered where the fast heartbeat went or the way I treated her that made me want to protect her in every single way that I could have. Yet now it only seems that I want to hurt her, emotionally. I think that's how I act with everyone. If someone hurts me in anyway, I always want to hurt them back. I am a firm believer in revenge and the closer someone is to me, the more harm I want to do. The fact that I purposely go out of my way to be mean to my girlfriend and not want to talk to her shows that I am in love. If she had been working so hard and not talking to me all this time and I had completely forgotten about her, it would show that I don't care. Ironically enough, all these feelings of hatred most likely are telling me, hey I want to be with her badly, but my actions cannot express that when all I want to do is selfishly have my revenge for her not having enough time for me.

         It's different when you’re with someone, drowned by all the affection and lust. "This power is enough to warp judgment in otherwise sensible people, just as a spike in dopamine activity might. As psychologists have demonstrated in several studies, newly smitten lovers often idealize their partner, magnifying the other's virtues and explaining away their flaws. It's very common; they think they have a relationship that's more special, closer, than anyone else's." The lack of us being together and the fact that we have been in a relationship for a while removes the dopamine, my partners flaws are now highlighted, and it's harder to idealize. Combine the fact that I still care about her and you have my crazy revenge schemes boiling and my emotions flip flopping. If I can eventually forget about all this and my girlfriend can go on a lucky streak of seeming perfect to me in everything she says, I will become happy again and more excited to talk to her. Once the streak is broken, it is inevitable for me to become upset again, lonely, and wanting more from her, until the day I see her face to face.

         I called her on a weekend but of course she was going somewhere, this is why I don't call. I checked an online journal that she keeps so I can have some sense of connection towards her that I lost. I wasn’t mentioned at all in it, I guess that says a lot about the way she things about me. That's probably why I get these feelings; I never sense any emotion from her about me unless I have to force it out of her. In her journal she talked about everything that she has mentioned to me, everything that affected her mood in big ways. If I wasn't in it, I must not have made an impression on her at all. I bet if I decided to dump her and stop talking to her all summer, she wouldn’t see what's coming, or care what I'm trying to do till we get back together and I tell her. This relationship feels like a sham, almost like she’s just using me for the affection I give and doesn’t care to return any of it to me. My grandma called after I thought about all this and asked how my girlfriend is doing and whether I was keeping in contact. I told her I try but she’s never available, she was surprised and told me my girlfriend should call me then.

         It’s funny how things work out in life. I got hired working at a theatre, a company that runs highly on the way their workers look. I was asked many questions, whether I had any tattoos, earrings, bracelets, hair highlights, and if I complied with not having those during my shifts. I was also told I could not have long hair; I must be properly shaven, there’s a uniform I had to wear, and then a detailed explanation on why workers must present themselves in all these fashions. A multimillion dollar business that caters to thousands of people every week seems like a good point. Then it all came flying at me; a ton of bricks flying at hundreds of miles per hour directly at my heart, my stomach, my brain. My girlfriend breaks up with me over the internet. The one thing she constantly told me she would get furious over if I pulled that shit on her. What a hypocrite, I think if we ever try to get back together this is the one grudge I will forever hold against her. Is this a plot twist? I can’t tell, I mean perhaps the reader would have imagined me breaking up with her? Perhaps everyone saw it coming? But I honestly would have never guessed something like this would happen. After four days of a lack of communication, no signs, no warnings. As much as I complained about our relationship, it always works out and that’s what I was waiting for. I can handle the pain she gives me, apparently she can’t handle the pain I give her.

         Something must have happened, my mom and my friends say. It is true, she is forced to pay extra for a loan she took out, there for having to not only work the entire summer but work the entire school year. But that can’t possibly be it, well maybe some of the stress is. She tells me it’s because I act like an asshole to her over every long break we have and that I threaten to dump her when she has all that work and no time to talk to me. I don’t mean these things, I wish she could take what I say a bit more lightly as my friends do, but she can’t which means I have to change. She doesn’t believe that I can because I promised that I would change and I didn’t. But how could I have kept that previous promise when she makes me feel so empty on the inside all the time. Every time I make her angry she tells me “I don’t stay mad for long, I wouldn’t dump you because it would be troublesome to find a new boyfriend.” Hypocrite. I can’t put up with her shit, so she can’t put up with mine. It has just become the most basic example of why relationships fall apart. I am willing to try so much harder, to be a better person, to deal with the fact that she is never around, busy doing work, and climb every obstacle. My girlfriend on the other hand has given up on me. Do I really want to try to get back into this relationship if she has given up so quickly? No but wait, if she calms down and accepts me back into her life then it surly will prove she has hope in our relationship and me. On the other hand I have a million other voices screaming at her, saying not to go back into a relationship with her, and saying that I can do so much better than her.

         Even in life symbolism and foreshadowing exists. My grandma went to a psychic about a month or so before the break up. After a short while my grandma asks about me. The psychic tells her that the relationship I have with my girlfriend is very shaky, if I don't stop from acting the way I do there will be a very dark out come. I figured my grandma altered the message because she knows I have a bad temper and get upset easily. Yet was the psychic actually spot on? During the break up, while we were on webcam the feed kept breaking up so I had no clue what was going on, which is why she resorted to telling me in a chat box. Get it; the video was "breaking up?" Ok, well that wasn’t a very good one but the night of the break up a storm came. The rain poured and thunder and lightning filled the skies while I cried. The entire week I was depressed it kept raining day after day. I finally started to feel better and the sun came out. My state of emotion was one with the universe and nature.

         It’s funny how people classify things, which give them completely different meanings. Whether you call someone a girlfriend or just a friend they are the SAME exact person. The only thing that changes is everything that comes with the definition. "Oh well if she’s my girlfriend then clearly I have to go on dates with her, I have to be intimate, and I have to watch what I say." Then when the "girlfriend" status disappears, it affects me as much as the death of my dog that I had lived with for 11 years. This makes no sense because she is still here, she’s still my friend, and she’s not going anywhere except momentarily changing the definition of how I interact with her. If my dog didn’t die and just told me he would stop licking my face but still play with me, I would be bamboozled, but it wouldn’t be as dreadful as it is hearing that someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Someone doesn’t think the same way about you and there’s nothing you can do to make them feel the way you do.

         I painfully wait as she randomly pops up onto the internet. I have a talk with her; she doesn’t want me to call. Fine I'm done trying that. I have some more talks with her; we interact with one another without a hick up. I almost have a sense of normality; I'm feeling happier as the days go by. Thoughts of suicide decrease, not that I would ever kill myself. That's the cheap way out of life; I'm fighting this fucking thing till the very end. This break up is just another chapter in my life but I can't skip or skim to the end of it to find out what happens. People have said the reward will be greater that way. Though it doesn’t help I have so many thoughts that keep rushing through my head, all of my friends telling me we will get back together, and that fucking clock started to tick in slow motion. It only made the next paragraph of my life ever more painful. It has been a month since the break up; I think it's time for me to talk to my ex-girlfriend about our relationship. There's another term that has been coined up, she is no longer my girlfriend but a friend. Yet it must be impossible to ignore the fact that we had spent some intimate time together, so when I refer to her to others, she is now an ex.

         As a summary, I revealed to my ex that I still love her very much. I tell her that I think about her every day, and that I am willing to do everything that I can to show her I am serious about changing. I ask that she doesn’t lose hope in me and that hopefully she has already seen change in me. I then ask if she can share any insight about whether she will consider getting back together in the future, if she sees my change is sincere. She tells me she honestly cannot say because she doesn’t know how she will feel at the end of the summer or when she sees me face to face. That’s fine, I tell her, but do you have any feelings for me left in you? At this moment she takes a knife, stabs me, and starts to peel my skin off. (Metaphorically of course) She tells me she stopped thinking about me, she stopped caring about me, she has no sexual feelings, and does not miss the love we once had so that's why she wants me to stay in the friends category. Thank you for the details you heartless bitch. I'm glad to hear your doing fine while simultaneously continuing to rip my heart into shreds. Of course I don't tell her this, I say well I still have hope in our future relationship, thank you for talking with me, staying in touch, and then complimented her for being nice and beautiful. I am an idiot.

         What I'm still trying to comprehend is what in the world is going on with her mind. About a week before she broke up with me I found an email with her telling me she loved me very much and hoped to hear from me soon. Apparently it takes a handful of days to flip everything around and break up with someone for something stupid, something that can be fixed, and something so many others can get used to. Then she specifically tells me how much she no longer gives a shit about me. How could you feel that way about someone you have been so close with for 2 years, and someone you have only been broken up with for a month? Is she seeing someone else? I did everything that I could possibly do to make the situation better and help heal the crack that has formed between us. Everything for nothing, now all I can do is wait until I see her face to face and wish for all the love she once had for me to magically come back to her. It would make sense, but I've lost all my comprehension with what makes sense and what doesn’t.

         I've hit the end of the line and my friends tell me I should stop talking with her. It's amazing how that idea came nowhere near my mind. I had spent every hour of every day checking if my ex-girlfriend was online. Yet if I completely cut off communication with her, surly I will become as cold hearted as she has, not a care in the world for my ex-love. Is this a good move? I was even supposed to respond to another email she sent me. Do I respond to this one and then stop? Do I stop all together? Will that make her angrier? Will that make her miss me? Life is filled with questions and apparently there’s only two ways to find the answers to them. Have someone tell you the answer or figure it out through personal experience. Sir Isaac Newton formed his theory on gravity by observing an apple fall from a tree. I found out about the theory on gravity because my teacher told me about it. At this age and time, we now have Google. But the problems that I have been facing, among so many other guys and girls, is such a unique one that I have to experience it for myself; it’s impossible for someone else to give me a correct answer without guessing.

         My new adventures begin as I look for other women to keep my mind off of the old one. "There are plenty of other fish in the sea" so the saying goes. But I have found out how useless this saying really is. It is true there are in fact thousands, millions, of other fish (women) in the sea (Earth). As I spent my weeks trying to get to know some new females I have not previously met and re-acquainted with some old female friends, things started to look hopeless. A majority of the so called "fish" are not the fish that I particularly care for, yet the ones I want have been caught by other fishermen. This makes me lose all hope and ambition, yet you can’t deny the fact that most people eventually find someone, however long that might take. So I guess I'll be sitting here on my boat, waiting for that special fish to bite the hook. How much time is passing? I forgot my watch. It's a pity to think I might not be fishing in the right lake or even the right country.