Always Wanting, Never Having

I know that I am drunk, as I am sitting at the bar. I left my friends though they can navigate this place much easier than myself. I had an overwhelming desire to be alone and be so drunk that I could forget about him and his perfect girlfriend. So far I hadn't forgotten, so I ordered another beer and drank down the dark liquid.

I knew I looked out of place. The bar, close to our hotel was full of locals, and it was obvious I wasn't one. I dressed cute, in an effort to impress him, make him realize what he had given up. A tight knee length white and brown dress, with sleeves that stopped just above my elbows and brown boots. I had taken the time to curl my hair and make sure my makeup was perfect. I had walked back into the room we were all sharing, everyone was ready, except for him. Hew as on the phone with her, and I was unjustly angry. What right did I have to be angry? She was his girlfriend. I was his ex. We remained friends over the years. Stayed as close as two busy people could. But regretfully I was still head over heels for him.

He barely cast a glance at me. “Go on ahead.” He said waving his hand at us. Infuriating me even more. How dare he dismiss me? I left in a huff and very soon after felt silly. I hated him for making me feel like a love sick teenager that has just been rejected. I hated myself even more for allowing myself the fantasy of him ever wanting me again. I was average. There was nothing outstanding about me. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't overly smart. While he was a genius and so was his girlfriend. She was adorable in that 'I'm sweet and the girl next door' sort of way.

And now here I am, drinking myself into a stupor. Wondering just how I am going to get back to the hotel. I don't want to face my friends. But the bar is closing, so I stumble out, trying to look as least ridiculous as possible. The hotel is a short walk but my feet won't work like they are supposed to. I find a wall and lean against it. I can feel the angry tears threatening to surface. “Are you okay?” I hear a voice and for a split second I think that I am about to be murdered and all I can think about is him. I wonder if he will be sad that I was killed. If he will miss me.

“Abs?” Suddenly in my drunken haze I realize that it is his voice. “Abiageal?” I can hear the concern and there are tears pouring down my cheeks.

“Tav-” I choke out. His hands are on either side of my face, wiping away my tears.

“How drunk are you, Abs?”

“Very.” I tell him honestly. My heart flutters in my chest the way it always does when he touches me. I try to stop myself, but I can't. My hands reach out for his arms and I pull him into me. My mouth finds his and in a second I kiss him for all it's worth.

His mouth responds instantly and after a second one of his hands is tangled in my hair. I feel like I am suffocating, I can't pull in enough air through my nose, but I can't bring myself to break the kiss. In that moment I would rather die than stop kissing him. “Tav.” I gasp out when his mouth leaves mine.