The Yellow Brick Road

6/19/2009



The Yellow Brick Road



Have you ever felt that way, amazed to look back at your life and to see from you’ve come, how you gotten to where you are, and why you are here?  Guess we have all had to do the soul-searching thing, trying to find the answers to the all-elusive questions of life.  Bur there are answers: it’s knowing where to look that makes the difference.



The early years of my life consisted of futile attempts to achieve some degree of significance, no matter how small, how meaningless.  Proving myself seemed somehow to be the all encompassing, driving force in my life.  And I had to do it alone. I had to find out for myself just who this person was.  It was not until I turned thirty that Christ became a major factor in almost all of the decisions I made.  Therein lies the problem - almost.  It is because of my lack of understanding this essential truth that I have caused others so much pain and I have suffered so much loss.



The time was March 1, 2000; the Bible study was about prayer and my lesson had to do with roadblocks to prayer.  Unknown to everyone was the fact that I was struggling with my emotions, torn between my lovely wife, my ministry, my faith, my principles, morals, decency and every other factor of my life that I attempted to adhere to, and torn between what I thought had become love with another, married woman.  My life was so upside down, so confused.  How could I feel this way?  I loved my wife deeply; she was my soul mate.  I loved my God deeply; He was my Savior.  How could I even consider a sin of such magnitude?  Yet, it consumed me day and night and almost destroyed me.



I wrote these words that day as I prepared my lesson and I read them to our friends that night.  Maybe I was trying to let them know in some way that I was hurting, falling, in desperate need of help. 



“Being aligned with God is like walking in His shadow.  He walks a straight line, He never varies, never changes.  I can be sure of where He is going and if I stay with Him, protected by His presence, I too can go where He goes.”



“But it’s because He walks the straight and narrow course that I find my deepest struggle.  Often in that walk, a roadblock appears; a wall presents itself, an obstacle blocks my path.  God in His omniscience walks right through the problem - nothing can turn Him.  I see the obstacle, take my eyes off Him, and stray from the path, letting my lack of faith lead me, rather than my faith in Him.



“This always leads to failure!  I cannot do it alone, apart from Him.  As soon as I am out of alignment with my Savior, I stumble and fall. This other road is full of ruts and potholes, holes big enough to swallow me up, full of rocks against which I’m bruised and bloodied.  It takes terrible frightening twists and turns, and is too steep to climb or descend.”



“My only hope is to find Him once again, following in His path of Righteousness, allowing Him to overcome all of the barriers of life.  We two shall win, Jesus and I, the journey completed someday.  It will take an eternity, but oh, what a trip!”



That is the part I read to the group and left it at that.  But inside my soul screamed for help and understanding.  I saw the blank looks on their faces, wondering why this seeming anguish, yet no one said a word that night – not until later did my best friend seek to console me and find out what the trouble was.  They all knew something was wrong, but not one seemed to be willing to reach out to help. That night I lay in bed thinking, praying, and searching for answers. 



I wrote these words: “Our journey together is wonderful.  I find a new hope, a stronger courage, and an encouragement unlike any previously felt.  Oh, I am able to soar, to do things I have never done before.  Your Spirit lives in me and all is so different, so very good."



“And then we come to a fork in the road.  Oh, it is not the first one I have encountered.  In fact, as I now recall, our journey together has passed countless such forks, yet somehow this fork is different.  It catches my attention and does not let go.  Then it dawns on me; why, this is the proverbial Yellow Brick Road- yes the very one, and oh Lord, your path is so straight and narrow and hard and after all, is it not You who created all things and shouldn’t I be able to enjoy all of the fruit You give?"



“See, the sign says to “Follow The Yellow Brick Road and You Will Receive The Desires of Your Heart.”  If I had only seen those hideous, glowing eyes staring at me with disdain, treachery and murder in them, eyes hidden in the depths of the shadows, eyes that lit up with the very fires of hell as I bade my Lord goodbye.  Not forever, you understand Lord, just a little detour.  Lord, I called, Lord I have decided to try this road; I just know that it is the one for me.  I can feel it calling me.  Something tells me that I will find, somewhere down that road, that elusive something that has gnawed at me all of my life, something missing yet something as necessary to my life as the very air that I breathe.  So Lord, look, I will catch up with you.  I will be ok.  Heck, You have taught me so much, and well, it is something I just have to do.  You understand.”



“The eyes followed me as I kissed the feet of my Savior, took a deep breath, packed my bags and set off down the road, my very own Yellow Brick Road.  My, how they shone at first those bricks of solid gold, priceless, radiant, lovely; so splendid that my eyes where blinded to the approaching darkness.  I was so overcome with myself and my good fortune: after all, I was “somebody” now, starting a new life, a life I chose and living it with whoever I chose to live it with, that I quite forgot all of the lessons He had taught me, lessons of truth and righteousness, holiness, humility, service and brokenness, putting others first.  Oh no, I was “Justified, Sanctified” full of His Imputed Righteousness, holy, blameless…how could I go wrong?”



The cloud descended slowly, so slowly that I was quite unaware for a time as the gloom wrapped itself around me. Slowly I noticed that the “gold” paving stones were not gold at all; just fake imitations as the shimmering gold paint flaked beneath my feet. 



I noticed that the road led into a forest, a wood so foreboding that I shivered as I became aware that I was very alone.  Well, not entirely alone, as the world danced around me, but I was alone.  Where was He, my Friend, that great Friend that loved me so much that He had given His life for me so that I could live?  Where was He, the One whom the Father, our Heavenly Father, raised from the dead, to be my guide through this world?  Without Him, I felt a loneliness and emptiness that nothing could fill.  I yearned for His Company, just to be near Him once again.



The road I had traveled had become a treacherous road and filled me with loathing and disgust with myself for allowing myself to be lured unto a path that took me so far away from my original goal.  I realized that my life of selfishness and need had taken me from the One who I loved so dearly.  When was the last time my life was focused on anything but me?”



“Oh, to see Him once again, to feel His awesome majesty, to be back in the assurance of His forgiveness and grace.”



“And there He stood!  Light radiated from Him like a thousand suns, brilliant, dazzling - Jesus!  He stood with arms outstretched calling my name.  “Steve, I’ve been waiting for you to come back.  I have not forgotten you; I have been here all along.  Come follow me.”



“And the Journey continues.  Bruised and broken, forgiven and healed, I hold on tightly to His hand, my Lord Jesus.  I’ll never let it go.”



All these words I wrote that night, lying in bed next to my wife while she slept.  I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that my redemption from any further sin was right here, that very moment, as God offered me a way out, just as He promises.  I was overwhelmed with my deep desire to continue in my sin of lust and greed.  I was overwhelmed with the thought of destroying my marriage to the very woman who was the love of my life.  I was overwhelmed in every way and I knew what I had to do.



  Nevertheless, I chose not to do it.



I chose instead to turn my back on God, my wife, my family, my friends, my church, on those who looked on me as a spiritual leader – on everyone.  I chose instead to leave it all behind and live with this woman, one who had already been married four times (but I was special).  How does one fall so low?  Was I that insecure, that in need of affirmation, in need of having my ego stroked, that in need of finding the “perfect” woman, the “perfect” marriage, the “perfect” life?  However, it is exactly what drove me to all of the abuse those many years, even as a Christian, maybe, especially since I was a Christian.  Satan knows my weak spot well, what buttons to push; always has, and used it against me as I struggled against the temptation.



How prophetic the words were that I wrote that night.  My willing disobedience and rebellion almost destroyed me.  I look back now, some nine + years later, and I’m amazed at my stupidity; “What was I thinking’?”  I look back at my thirty plus years as a practicing, born-again Christian and wonder what kind of a Christian I really was?



What kind of an example have I been to the world?  What kind of father have I been to my children; what kind of role model was I to them?  How do you stand before a Sunday school class and teach the doctrines of Justification and Sanctification and yet in the deepest recesses of your heart, harbor lust and adultery? How much patience can God have with someone so stubborn, so prideful, so quick and easy to fall?



Yet I sit here at my computer absolutely sure of my salvation at the hands of the One who loves me.  I sit here certain of my position in the Kingdom as a called child of God, my part in the inheritance written before the beginning of time.  Paul’s letter to the Ephesians has since become my favorite Book of the Bible.  I think almost every word is highlighted or underscored or memorized.  Allow me to quote, “…It is written to God’s holy people in Ephesus (and to me and you) who are faithful followers of Jesus Christ.  May grace and peace be yours, sent to you from God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord (Eph.1: 3).”



“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He has made us accepted in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him. In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory. In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory (Eph. 2:2-14).”           



I say that I am absolutely sure of my salvation and certain of my position in His Kingdom; how can I say that with such assurance.  You see, God never left me, not for moment, not for a second, never, ever, even through my darkest hours and not through my deepest sin.  My wife sits in the other room as I write this, confident in our marriage, secure in our love – why?  Because I am such a great man, suddenly such a wonderful husband, the GQ cover model for Christian men today?         



I found that it was never about me at all!  It never was and never will be!  It is all about Jesus – everything that was, is, and will ever be, is about Him!  He revealed Himself to me in the most remarkable way and taught me truths that I had never seen in all of my Bible study, or heard in the hours of sermons preached to me and by me.  He used my precious wife as His tool to show me the kind of love and devotion that He expects from one of His own.  He taught her, through the agony of our separation and the bitterness of my unfaithfulness, that His Love is unconditional and that her love for me must also be.  It took me a very long time to understand that lesson, to soak up the depth of its meaning, to inhale the sweetness of its promise.  Her love for me changed me just as His love had changed her and now it was my turn.           



The world balks at the word “surrender.”  I recall several years ago, when the Southern Baptist Convention affirmed that it was indeed a woman’s duty to surrender to her husband – my the uproar!  You would have thought that the world was coming to an end.  However, they did not read the Book – did not read the next verse wherein Paul tells men that they must treat their wives as God treats the church.  It is what He calls us to do.  To surrender today, tomorrow and everyday, about everything – everything –to Him and to Him alone.             



It is what Debbie did when she chose to love me in spite of whom and what I had become.  It is what I did when I chose to return, to get on my face before Him, surrender all of those empty places that never before filled and ask Him, Christ Jesus my Lord, to fill them.  He has, unconditionally, because He chooses to love me, not for who I am, but because He is!