Mr Larry Dean Olsen

Mr Larry Dean Olsen (CEO)
Boulder Outdoor Survival School (BOSS)
PO Box 1590
Boulder, Colorado,
80306

Dear Mr Olsen,

On recently seeing a program on your institution on the Discovery Channel I was awed and amazed! Trekking through the outback and learning how to live off of the land, what fun! And you do it for a living! I file tax returns for a living, and let me tell you, it isn't nearly as fun as wrestling mountain lions in Colorado.

On seeing your number I instantly went to the phone to try and register for your International Field Course. Unfortunately the very nice saleswoman told me it would cost $600, which is a lot steeper my salary will allow! So I am writing to ask if you would let me tag along on your next adventure. I don't have to be part of the course. I could just hold you water bottle for you if you'd like. I can also recite Monty Python's Holy Grail in full, which I know will come in handy on those long nights around the campfire. I even have some old Renaissance Fair costumes around somewhere; it could be a full production!

I know you are a very busy and exciting man, but when you return from your next venture into danger please write back. We could be very good friends you and I.

Yours expectantly,

Harry Mitchell

Memorandum
To: All Level 6 Personnel          
From: Harry Mitchell          Cubicle 8D
Date: June 12, 2008          Ext: 2568
Subject: New and Exciting Opportunity

Having recently watched a documentary on Boulder Outdoor Survival School I have decided to embark on my own survivalist adventure. I am looking for participants who meet the following criteria:
•          Must have own camping and hiking gear
•          Must be willing to brave the wilds of section D without fear or hesitation
•          Is willing to spend months, possibly years, learning and studying the landscape as part of a team
•          Must have amusing anecdotes for the long nights ahead

In the unlikely event of nuclear fallout volunteers must also be willing to recreate humanity. A solid grounding in genetics & molecular biology would be useful, especially if only the males survive.
If interested please call me A.S.A.P. Would managers please note that this will not affect productivity levels. Discipline will be maintained at all times.

Mr Larry Dean Olsen (CEO)
Boulder Outdoor Survival School (BOSS)
PO Box 1590
Boulder, Colorado,
80306

Dear Mr Olsen,

It's been 2 months since I last wrote you, and no word. I hope that you are doing well and aren't trapped under a boulder somewhere in the wilderness. With no one to help you.

Anyway, I decided I shouldn't wait for you to reply to get my adventure started. When I was a boy my scout leader, Captain Charles Stevens, always said to "take life by the throat". So I've decided to start my own survivalist project. I've set up a tent in my cubicle at work and I'm ready to battle the elements! I won't be leaving here any time soon, so if you need to write to me please do it to this address.

Surprisingly, though I sent numerous invitations to my co-workers to join me on this life-changing adventure, I didn't receive one reply. Of course it's their loss. If any of them chance upon my campsite I will offer them food and shelter, but no one has visited this secluded spot in the 4 years I've been working here. I should be safe, from all of them.
I have prepared myself for this spiritual journey just as you instructed on television. I have sufficient rations for the long months ahead. 1 crate of jelly babies will provide me with sugar. 4 loafs of Wonderbread will keep my carbohydrates up so I'm ready for any battles I may face. 20 bottles of Mountain Dew will keep me well hydrated in the scorching heat (we recently had our air conditioner privileges revoked, it really is barbaric). For the rest of my food needs I will hunt throughout the office. Barbara in row 3G tends to keep donuts and Oreos in her bottom drawer. I think if I can sneak up behind her quietly enough she won't notice. If she does I've created a makeshift pocket knife out of staples and a ruler. That should keep me safe.

I have all the relevant safety gear. I bought a bicycle helmet from the shop down the road. It should ensure I'm not taken out by any nasty falls. I've got some rope, although mostly I think that will be used to cordon off my campsite. Already I've had a few of my co-workers try to break in. "A damaged tent is no tent at all" though right Sir?

Anyway, I'm sure you can tell I am sufficiently prepared. I will keep you updated on my progress as I face this arduous journey. I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours in admiration,

Harry Mitchell

Mr Larry Dean Olsen (CEO)
Boulder Outdoor Survival School (BOSS)
PO Box 1590
Boulder, Colorado,
80306

Dear Sir,

It's been a tough couple of weeks. Though I thought filing the August financial projections would keep my mind occupied, it's been difficult to stave off hallucinations. Last night I was carefully counting out what little rations I have left and I had the scariest vision. I looked up to see a large man in an almost military uniform. He was shining a light in my eyes and asking the strangest questions. At first it was all light hearted. He asked "How ya doing?" then the next thing I know he was asking if he could touch my arm and take me away with him.

Well, not only do I know a campsite must be guarded at all times but this was a clear case of Stranger Danger. Hallucination or not! I quickly created a diversion, sending a small flare towards the rear wall of the office. This set fire to a nearby cubicle leaving me free to find cover in the undergrowth. This pot-plant has been withering for some time, but I feel it will sustain me.

I will attempt to recapture my campsite soon. As I have yet to receive a letter from you I assume you are in a position similar to my own. I wish to assure you that I feel your pain. We are now truly brothers in arms!

Yours in hope,

Harry Mitchell

Mr Larry Dean Olsen (CEO)
Boulder Outdoor Survival School (BOSS)
PO Box 1590
Boulder, Colorado,
80306

Dear Commander in Chief,

The potted plant did not take long to die. I took only as much sap from it as I needed to stay alive, but it still fell like a mighty oak under the strain. I spent a few days under Barbara from C7's desk. Though I took many cookies she did not seem to notice my presence. I felt I was safe there.

I used this time to construct a series of traps to avoid any further concentration. My staple-ruler-knife has come in quite handy! I was able to whittle some plastic water-cups down into sharp points. By sticking these in unassuming places around the office I have managed to create an early warning system. Should anyone tread near my territory I will not be ambushed!

Under the cover of darkness I made my way back to base camp. The hallucination did not make an appearance. I have checked my rations and decided that, since this is the wilderness, only the strong will survive. The red jelly babies are the weakest, they will be consumed first. In my absence the Mountain Dew has begun to coagulate. I've made a discovery! I have left samples around the tent to see if new bacteria form. This may be my only source of food.

I feel like Shackleton! I only wish I had a team, like you, that I could lead through these tough times. It must give you such consolation to know that they are behind you all the way, just as I am.

Yours in adulation,

Harry Mitchell

Mr Larry Dean Olsen (CEO)
Boulder Outdoor Survival School (BOSS)
PO Box 1590
Boulder, Colorado,
80306

Dear Fearless Leader,

My resolve is beginning to break. My workload is now insufficient to stave off the loneliness. I have decided to write memoirs. I know they will be nothing compared to your own great works but it helps occupy my mind. I have also started trying to tame the cockroaches living under my tent. Though they have often been my adversaries through these tough times I can see a beautiful future ahead. They will be used to ferry food and water to me. I may also train them to do tricks.
A circus keeps a man's spirits up on a cold and lonely night.

Extra fortifications have been prepared around my campsite. Wild savages calling themselves 'Sekewrity', a tribe I was unfamiliar with when I set out on this path, have tried to forcibly remove me several times. Occasionally they are accompanied by smaller men in glasses. "Shreenks" the men call them. I cannot understand their language, though I have made several attempts at communication. One tried to touch me but was restrained. This is good, it means I have tamed a little of this barbaric wilderness.

In the dead of night I gathered up kindling and chairs, creating a fortress I think even their best efforts will not break. I have one flare left but if either tribe becomes aggressive I will not hesitate to sacrifice my camp for my life.

Barbara came to deliver donuts. I asked her how she managed to cross the deadly swamps of the third floor. She laughed and now I fear for her mind. No one but a fool laughs in the face of danger. When the time comes to escape I may have to rescue her. My scout master always said "Leave no man behind" and I know I cannot bear to face the consequences if the natives attack. I tried to persuade her to set up camp here but she declined.

My supplies have almost run out. The Mountain Dew experiments produced many interesting specimens. One particular strain was very useful when constructing my fort. It would appear I have found a way of creating glue using only what nature has provided. I have enclosed a sample for you here.

The blue jelly babies are the only ones to survive thus far. They are hybrids built out of the bodies of their deceased comrades. Some may say I am playing God out here. They simply don't understand what it is like.

But you do! I await your first letter with an excitement I can barely contain. I know that you will get back from your travels soon, and then we will be able to explore this wilderness together! We will be a team to put Lewis and Clarke to shame! I sincerely hope the wild has not taken you.

Yours expectantly,

Harry Mitchell

Mr Larry Dean Olsen (CEO)
Boulder Outdoor Survival School (BOSS)
PO Box 1590
Boulder, Colorado,
80306

Your Holiness,

Good news! I have finally found my equals here in the wilderness! I was stoking up the campfire, keeping watch for the natives in case they were going to spring a surprise attack, when Charles introduced himself to me. He approached me with a small troop, no more than 10 of his closest companions, and told me they had been observing my behaviour for some time now, and was interested in an alliance. He says he is the leader of the cockroaches. As he has come across as utterly trustworthy, I am inclined to believe him. To solidify our new-found bond we sacrificed the last jelly-baby hybrid. It was a glorious feast.

This has opened up so many new opportunities for me! Charles and I have successfully created a supply line from Barbara's desk to our campsite. The workers can only carry small amounts but they are rewarded with a warm place to sleep and as much Mountain Dew as they like. Charles assures me they are content. They are also keeping an eye on Barbara herself, who is apparently angry about the intrusion into her cubicle. She will come around. As soon as the Sekewrity tribe attacks, they'll all come around.

There is a problem though, winter is coming. You may have noticed that I purchased your DVD 'Wilderness Survival' only last week, and I have been using it for guidance. Under the cover of darkness I went foraging for shrubs and animal skins me and the men could use for bedding. Though I was able to grab a few ferns and flowers it will not be enough. The heating system here was broken many years ago at a Christmas party, and sometimes the windows are left open for days with no relief. We may have to leave this place soon.

Charles assures me that he too finds your words comforting in this time of preparation. Please write to us soon. Your guiding voice will be so much more comforting when it is directed solely at us! We are drunk with anticipation.

Yours forever,

Harry Mitchell

Mr Larry Dean Olsen (CEO)
Boulder Outdoor Survival School (BOSS)
PO Box 1590
Boulder, Colorado,
80306
Messiah,

I apologise for the bundle of postcards, but I know you will forgive me once you hear the glorious news. We have escaped from the wilderness of the IRS and are now on our way to meet you! The truckers at this rest stop seem taken aback by my rugged appearance. I forgot to shave during my months in the wild so my hair is rather long. When they look at me they probably see a man without means, but I am certain that when you see me you will see a fellow adventurer.

It was Charles' idea to leave; he even had a plan worked out for our departure. First he outlined the dangers. The winter months would soon be upon us and the Sekewrity tribe would be scouting for provisions for their own camp. As we had managed to amass such a large winter store Charles reasoned that we would surely be under attack. I then asked him where we could possibly be safe and whether we could take our winter stores with us. Then the idea struck me, Boulder,
Colorado! Where could possibly be more safe than under your auspicious gaze.

Still, I was hesitant to leave. Charles pointed out that as I had received an email terminating my employment earlier that week I would probably be forced to vacate my campsite anyway. That was the final straw.

First we wrapped our donuts and cookies in what we could find. We attempted to strip the leather off of the office chairs but it was obvious that the staple-knife would not be up to the task. Eventually I was forced to use what was left of my clothes to carry the bundles. My cockroach friends made me a fine suit out of ferns and mud so as not to attract attention. We then hollowed out a few Mountain Dew cans and strung them together, so my compatriots would be able to ride in comfort.

As we went to leave Sekewrity were waiting in the wings with some sort of large net. Had they captured us our entire winter store, all our weeks of work and preparation, would be taken. Charles' first concern though was for Barbara. Quickly we ran to her cubicle. I quickly threw her over my shoulder and bolted for the door. When we approached Sekewrity I used the last of my makeshift glue to distract them. Someone shouted something about 'toxic waste' but we were outside.

Outside! It's been so long since I've seen the sky I'd forgotten what a strange shade of green it is. I was explaining this phenomenon to Barbara while she was buying us our tickets. She was none too happy with our daring rescue. Charles says she just doesn't realise the danger she was in so I tried to explain. Eventually she promised us she would meet us at base camp in Colorado in a few months, but only if we gave the all clear.

I regret that I must cut this letter short. The pole-ice want to talk to us. Charles is assuring me he will remain vigilant of any threat. I will be with you soon my Lord!

Your loving servant,

Harry Mitchell