love and loss

I get dressed for the night put in my best three piece suit and leave my dreary home I make my way down the street wondering if today will be the day I find god my hands are shaking  cant stop my mind from racing I go to the bar to calm my nerves with a few drinks I sit alone I am always alone I drown my love for mankind in my drink  sit and wait for some holy being to touch me after several more drinks I leave the bar for where I am not sure but anywhere seems better than here as I walk down the street I see a young man as I approach him I think of something to say something to make him instantly love me but no words could be that powerful so instead of words i use my money to make him love me we go back to my house while he performs oral sex on me I find my mind wondering how can i make him stay than like a bolt of lightning i have the divine intervention I have waited my whole life for gods right hand touched my mind and i knew what  had to be done my inspiration filled me like a well I jumped to my feet and grabbed my paper weight on my table by the couch as i landed blow after blow I felt as though i was john the baptist purifying this animal I felt all the joys of motherhood giving birth to my own creation I stop hitting my new son before his head completely caved in I had no desire to kill this young man just make him my own living doll there is a moment of panic what if he dies and leaves me all alone again as he sat there bubbling at the mouth moaning ever so slightly I turned him on his side  laid next to him whispering my confession of devotion to him i played with different parts of him sang him songs of love giving him total attention after a while i felt another shocking revelation if I do kill him and then myself we can live eternally next to god so I finish smacking my paper weight making sure not to hurt him to much i checked his breathing which was non existent at this point as my head lay on his chest I burst into tears of joy I have found someone to be with me eternally I get up and go to my room and fetch my gun as I prepared to pull the trigger I thought of my new existence and filled with the happiness and light only god can give you and then as I fired my pistol  I felt gods kiss