I remember

I remember when my life seemed to be ending, careening out of control like a car speeding downhill without any brakes. Everything was chaos and there was no special place for me to go to, to find rest and to lay aside all that had caused my life to spiral downward in the first place. I remember so vividly how empty and alone I felt, how completely useless, how pointless life seemed, how willingly I desired to be free of it. It didn’t take much to send me leaping off the cliff into a cloud of depression or whirling madly into bouts of rage. I was a piece of paper in a sandstorm, beaten and bruised, hurt and angry, without any hope at all.

I remember how it felt to be left alone to cry. I cried a lot back then. I felt so lonely, so forsaken, that I couldn’t bear the thought of getting up on weekends. I would lay in bed and watch television all day. I would go to work during the week and become a recluse during the weekend. I felt like a failure, like a log of worthless bark floating down a river, carried by the current alone. Only my body lived while my heart lay dying.

I remember that I use to spend time with people and walk on eggshells all the time, fan dancing to keep my real self hidden. I remember that it felt as though I could never truly and completely open up. I still remember the day that we were driving to Madrid and she told me that my secrets, my painful wounds, were for me to confide to my husband alone and that she wasn’t the person to talk to. At the time, she was my only friend and I considered ourselves to be best friends. But, she wasn’t and now she is gone and that is better for both of us, I think.

I remember the day that He saved me. I was in high school and I went to a concert. I wanted to be cool and have people like me. When the alter call came, I remained stationary, wishing I could go home, wishing I could be anywhere but there. In the conversation that followed, I was revealed for the desolate soul that I was. There was no hope for me. I had attempted suicide once, after all, though not one that I would have truly succeeded at. I had a foul temper and a foul mouth and a horrible sin, secret, hidden away in the confines my computer at home. Yes, I had a great deal wrong with me. It was then that I bowed my knee to Christ with the intention of not quitting.

I remember the most painful time I left Him and my church. I went into the world with the intention to enjoy all that I had missed before. I just knew that there were things out there that I missed out on that everyone else thought was so cool, so needed. I had every intention of experiencing it all. So, I began clubbing and drinking and hanging out with backsliders. In those moments, I was at my worst. I had asked God to remove the curse of alcoholism from me, I didn’t even want to struggle with the temptation, and He faithfully did remove it. So, all the times that I drank, I couldn’t drink to get drunk. But my friends could. My friends could drink and dance and live the lives of fornicators and not feel any repercussions about it, except in those candid moments when they would confide that they wished they had waited. But after those moments had passed, it was the party lifestyle again.

I remember in the rain when He told me that He had so much more for me, for us. I wept as I thought about the waste I was doing with my life. I felt condemned. I felt as though I could never return to church. I had taken a covenant promise, I had said that I saw them as family and would never leave them. Yet, I had left them. I had left them and never really regretted it until the moment that God told me to return. I just knew I couldn’t return. I just knew I couldn’t.

I remember the day I saw Pastor in Best Buy. I avoided him, ducking down a nearby aisle, hoping that I didn’t see him again and he didn’t see me. It was my shame that brought this on. I knew what pain my actions had caused them, I knew what my selfishness had done to them, I knew, and I didn’t want to face it. Yet, I turned another row and there he was. His smile had no accusation in it and his words were kind. Unlike me, he didn’t avoid the recognition. I felt the gentle assurance of God, His prodding, telling me that they weren’t mad at me, that it was time to return. The only thing keeping me away was mammon, my unwillingness to tithe again. God dealt with that shortly after I returned to the church, much to my joy and delight.

I remember that my desire was faithfulness. I wanted to be there at church and not leave again. I never wanted to fall prey to my mind’s insanity. I never wanted to cry myself to sleep anymore and I especially didn’t want to hurt those people anymore. It was a slow journey to bring about this faithfulness, but once it was there, it was there for good. I found a home where I truly belonged and I was staying.

I remember when I was invited to meet the Yuma girls. There was a great mind battle about my going and I remember my joy when God used these beautiful women to speak into my life. Through this, I finally began to live genuine relationships with other women in my church. I truly began to have friends. I didn’t have to be this fake person anymore. I could be me and know that I would be loved regardless. There was great safety there in this small circle of friends.

I remember when they left. I remember how Mary and I fought against the sorrow that wracked our souls at their leaving. We had each other. Now we have more. But it was so hard then, seeing their empty chairs, knowing that they didn’t love us enough to stay. I find solace in my best friend and in my Beloved and now I am blessed so greatly in relationships that the pain is passing when it comes at all.

I remember when God took my face in His hand and told me that He loved me and I truly got it. It was after I had been abandoned by all my friends. I lay on the pullout sofa bed crying and telling God how horrible I felt, how I desired friends, real friends. That was when He told me, that was when me tears turned from misery to joy. He loved me! He loves me even now and loved me then when I was rebellious and foolish! He took the time to tell me that He loved me and to make sure I truly realized that it was pure and true.

I remember when I realized His love was deeper and stronger and more intense than I had originally understood it to be. His love is so pure and flawless, true and deep, priceless and forgiving, that I cannot find a single thing on this earth to compare it to. I remember how I felt when I was with Him, in His arms, my head resting upon His shoulder, His words like kisses to me. I remember how it felt to love Him so intensely that He was all that truly mattered. And, those days, were the greatest of my life. I desire to return to my first love and dwell in His courts and in His arms all my days. Nothing satisfies me like He does. How wonderful and great is my Jesus! How powerful and amazing is my God! I remember and I rejoice! How far we’ve come, my Beloved and I!









May 1, 2009 Room to Write Memory Is Imagination 1