Zeus for Dummies

Being the youngest son of Cronus and Rhea could make anyone a little angry. His father, having been told that one of his sons was going to betray him, ate each of his children as they came out of Rhea. This means that Hestia, Demeter, Hera, Hades and Poseidon were all deposited in their ‘loving’ fathers’ belly. Rhea, however, wanting to keep at least one of her children, placed a stone in a blanket and handed it over to Cronus in place of little baby Zeus-y. Daddy Cronus, being the hungry monster her is, ate the stone without a second thought. Meanwhile, Mamma secreted her little Zeus off the Crete to be raised by a goat. I hope little baby likes his goat milk.
After Mamma goat was tired of sulky teenage Zeus, he went home to his loving family. Needless to say it wasn’t a very happy homecoming. His grandma, being the only one that really cared about her children, took it upon herself to teach Zeus how to make his Daddy spit up his siblings. After the five angry little morsels were back up out of Cronus’ stomach where they had taken plenty of time to plot and stew, Zeus led them against Cronus and the Titans. Considering that Zeus is the chief and not a little dumpling like his brothers and sisters once were, legend has to assume that they won.

Evidently, Mamma goat spoiled baby Zeus a little bit, because when the world was divided, Zeus wanted all the heavens to himself. Poseidon really liked swimming and he really liked his horses, so instead of picking just one, he became lord of both. Hades, with nothing left to choose between, went on his sullen path to the Underworld. A word on Zeus’ behalf though, he did defend his kingdom well from all sorts of things, least of all being the Gigantes, Typhon, and the twin brothers who were called the Aloadae. Needless to say they all ended up in Tartarus.
Zeus was a lusty man. He was married to his sister Hera, but he still slept with everything possessed with breasts. Incest was a big thing among the gods. On one of lusty adventures, Zeus took to the bed of Metis, the goddess of prudence, and conceived Athena. Having been told, like his father before him, that Athena would bear a son to overthrow him, he swallowed Metis in an effort to have Athena on his own. Like father like son. Sister wife was a bit jealous of Zeus and his lovers and also of his ability to have children without needing a woman. Just to stick it to him, she had Hephaestus all by herself.

On the rare occasions Zeus-y actually took to his wife’s bed, only one of his three children produced had any real standing. The children are Ares, Hebe (goddess of youth), and Eileithyia (goddess of birth-pain). Obviously the only thing Hera did good for the pantheon was Ares and Hephaestus. Zeus also had many nights among the other goddesses and mortal women, and if you did give him what he wanted he would take it by force or trick. When he went to Letos’ bed, Apollo and Artemis were conceived.

Zeus also particularly enjoyed his bestiality especially among the mortals. Once he seduced the Spartan queen Leda by changing into a swan. What sane woman would sleep with a swan? Leda did, and the eggs she produced hatched to become two sets of twins; Castor and Polydeuces (stars that form Gemini) and Clytemnestra and Helen of Troy. He became a shower of gold for Danae and produced Perseus. He took the Phoenician princess Europa and came out with Minos, Rhadamanthys and Sarpedon. As an eagle Zeus kidnapped the Trojan prince Ganymede and made him his lover too.

In essence, all anyone really needs to understand about Father Zeus is this; he was raised by a goat, killed his dad, took dominion over the heavens because he was that selfish, and spent a good amount of his time whoring. There isn’t enough time in anyone’s life to go into depth of all his many incestial, bestial, and adulterous adventures.

Everyone wonders about the lives of the gods. The picture is painted with beautiful colors and magnificent expression…but when you look at the base coat, it’s a whole new world of sex, dirt, and betrayal. Just think, Zeus isn’t even the worse.