The Ghost of You

      Sometimes I wake up smiling. For a moment, it feels wonderful just to be alive and breathing. I wake up smiling, and as long as my eyes are closed I can continue to smile and stretch and sigh in contentment. I can remember times when life always felt good, when my hardest struggle was deciding where I was going to eat dinner. As long as I am still half-sleeping, I can forget. But the moment my eyes open and I see the horrible pea green walls and ugly floral curtains, – a standard room here at The Home – I remember. All the peace I felt a mere moment ago evaporates like the morning dew.

      Soon Nurse will come in to give me the medicine that they claim is keeping me alive. If what they say is true, my job is that much easier. All I have to do is put the pill under my tongue, swallow the water so Nurse is satisfied I’ve done my duty, and spit it out the moment she leaves. Nothing to it.

      Don’t get me wrong here – the place isn’t all that bad. It just gets really lonely sometimes. But you are my guest, and I’m being rude. Let me introduce myself: my name is Adam Miller. I am eighty-seven years old, and I am ready to die.

      My life has been consumed by what happened one day when I was eighteen years old, a day I have never forgotten. If you had asked me twenty years ago how things were going, I would probably have said they were great. But I have lived under the shadow of a ghost, the ghost of the past. She has haunted me every day. For a while there, I thought I had put her behind me for good; every day was a little easier than the last, and I believed that time was healing my wound.

      I suppose there’s a lot to say for an atrophied body and days upon weeks of empty hours. Sitting in my chair, only moving to eat and sleep, what is there for me to do but think? I have come face to face once again with my own personal ghost, and she makes clear to me that I was never rid of her. She merely bent to my will a little and camped out in the dark recesses of my memory, biding her time until this day.

      Oh, how I despise her.



      I remember the day of Leah Brookes’ death in more precise detail than any other event in my life. Perhaps this is so because of the thousands of times that I went back through every small occurrence, hoping to find some hint, some clue that within the next few days, my best friend would be gone forever.

      It started on a sour note, to say the least. And it was all my fault.



                                                                                                    *********



      “I can’t believe you!” Leah was mad. Really mad. I had broken rule number one: never lie, especially to her and especially about really stupid things like going on a date with Madison Barker. Actually, I had gone on several dates with Madison, - enough for us to officially be an item by now - but for some reason I never could get up the courage to tell Leah, my best friend since the second grade.



      “How could you let me hear about this from someone else?”



      “I’m sorry, Lee. I just –” I tried to explain, but she cut me off before I could finish.



      “You just what, Adam? And this had better be really good.” The look in Leah’s eyes told me that I really needed to tread carefully here. One false move and to the doghouse I go.



      “Look, I know you don’t like Madison, but –” Again, she interrupted with an angry snort.



      “I don’t like Madison? What are you talking about? I don’t even know her that well. She’s the one that hates me for whatever reason.”



Leah crossed her arms and shifted her weight to one side, staring at me expectantly. I was slightly irritated that she would accuse a girl as nice as Madison of hating her. I couldn’t imagine that Madison was capable of feeling something as intense as hate – she was just too sweet and naïve.

      I took a deep breath, trying to figure out the best way to explain myself. It’s really too bad that my best friend is female. Usually we can read each other well – and honestly, I should have known what to expect when I kept something this big from her – but there are times when

she decides to speak Girl, and suddenly I can’t even dream of understanding her, not to mention making her understand me.



      “Leah, I’m really, really sorry. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you about me and Madison. I should have told you immediately.”



      “Yeah, you should have. I just don’t understand, Adam. I mean, I expect everyone else in the world to lie to me, but never you. You’re too good for that.” 

         

      Leah’s eyes looked hurt and pleading at the same time. I’d never seen her so disappointed; usually she let everything roll off her back. It was her survival mechanism, and I had broken her confidence.

      I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t say anything, just stared at the ground.



      “I give up, Adam.” Leah sighed in defeat. “Call me when you decide to be yourself again.”



      With that, she walked away and disappeared around the corner before I could stop her. I had really messed up. But what was I supposed to do? Break up with Madison? I didn’t really want to do that. As much as Leah means to me, I was just getting to know Madison, and she seemed like an amazing girl. Sweet, charming, and pretty, every date we’d been on had been fun. I felt really comfortable around her.

         

                                                                                                      *********



      And that was how I decided to go out with a girl I didn’t really know anything about and momentarily turn my back on the girl who had been there for me most of my life. What a stupid idiot I was.



                                                                                                      *********



      Three days after my fight with Leah, I was standing in front of my locker at school, talking to Madison about homework. It was the end of the day, and she was chattering about how ridiculously easy her last math test had been when Leah walked by.

      I hadn’t spoken with Lee for a few of days, and when she walked passed me like that, without so much as a glance my way, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I had to talk to my friend. She had to know how sorry I was.

      Turning away from Madison mid-sentence, I started down the hall.

         

      “Leah! Wait up!” I called as I jogged to catch up with her.



      She paused and turned just as Madison cried, “Adam! What are you doing? I was talking to you!”

         

      I stopped running half-way between the two girls, turning my head to tell Madison I’d be right back. That was definitely not the best idea.



      “What do you want, Adam?” Leah looked impatient as she said this. I turned back to her, pleading.

         

      “Leah, please. Talk to me.”

         

      “What do you want me to say? That everything’s okay? I told you to call me, and you haven’t. All I can assume is that you don’t want to be associated with me anymore.”



      “That’s ridiculous. Why would you say something like that?”



      “Because it looks like you’d rather spend time with that idiot, Barker.”



      That felt like a low blow. She had said that she didn’t really know Madison only a few days ago, and now she was calling her stupid?



      “Don’t bring her into this, Lee.”



      “As far as I’m concerned, she’s the cause of all of this. You’re blind to her, Adam. She’s acting for you, trying to convince you that she’s this sweet, innocent little girl. She’s lying to you, but you can’t see that because you’re too busy looking at her face to see the knife she has behind her back.”



      “I don’t believe you.” Even as I said the words, I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that Leah was telling the truth. 



      At that, Leah’s face hardened. “Fine, don’t believe me. Give it enough time, and she’ll show her true colors. You’ll see.” For the second time that week, she walked away from me, and again, I let her go.



      I walked back toward my locker, running my hands through my hair as I tried to figure out how to get Leah to talk to me again. I was beginning to wonder if Madison Barker was really worth all of this trouble. Before I knew it, she was answering the question for me.



      “What was that?” she spat the words at me, a disgusted look on her face.



      “Excuse me?” I couldn’t quite believe that such a harsh tone could be coming from her.



      “Adam, when I became your girlfriend, you chose me over her. But it looked an awful lot like you were regretting your decision just now, and I don’t tolerate liars.” She planted both hands on her hips and dared me to defend myself.



      “That’s stupid Madison. I didn’t choose between the two of you. I can have a girlfriend and a best friend that happens to be a girl at the same time.”



      “No, you can’t.”



      “Oh, really. And who’s going to stop me?”



      “I am!” By now she was nearly hysterical, and the other students were starting to notice our fight.



      Madison’s voice suddenly turned deadly as she grinned in the most malicious way I’d ever seen anyone grin. “You can’t have us both. It’s either me or her. And let me tell you now, if you happen to make the wrong choice, you’re going to be very sorry.”



      I was stunned. How could she? She knew how close Leah and I were. In hindsight, I realize that it was a good thing that she hadn’t heard what Leah had just told me about her. If she had, I would never have seen the truth of it, and this vicious side of Madison would have been a much greater shock.

      If only I could have known just how wrong I was about Madison Barker... 

      And so I did what I knew was the right thing. I walked away from her without another word. She had my answer. It did not go over well.

      A sudden, earsplitting scream made me stop mid-step. “You’ll be sorry, Adam Miller!”

     

      I decided the best thing to do was to keep moving in search of Leah. Don’t look back. She’s not worth it. Where did Lee go? I searched the emptying school on my way to the parking lot, but couldn’t find her in any of the halls or classrooms. As I stepped outside, the blinding sun struck me full force. After a moment of letting my eyes adjust, I noticed that there were only a few cars left in the parking lot, including Leah’s.

      She must still be here, then, I thought. But where? I started toward my car, thinking I would put my bag in the front seat before finding Leah. I had to tell her what had happened between me and Madison. 

      I had gotten to school early that day and parked in the front row. I scanned the lot as I pitched my bag in the car, noticing that Leah’s truck was parked in the very back row. Just as I was about to turn back to the school, a movement near the back of the lot caught my eye. It was Leah, emerging from her truck. I smiled and started to jog toward her. I was halfway across the parking lot when I heard the sound that would haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

      A small car careened around the corner, pulling into the lot somewhere around forty miles an hour. As it came barreling around the corner, its trajectory became horribly clear. Leah was starting to walk around her truck, oblivious to the danger she was in.  I screamed her name and started really running, waving my arms frantically to try and get her attention. She stopped near the back of her truck when she noticed me.

         

      “Adam? What’s wrong?”



      “Move, Leah! Get away out of the way!”



      I don’t even think she heard me. At that moment the car came around the corner, heading straight at her. She whipped around, paralyzed for the crucial moment before the deadly sports car came tearing down the lane, gaining speed as it raced toward her.

      While Leah was mid-run, trying to get away, the left corner of the maniac’s bumper slammed into her legs. There was a horrible cracking sound as her left leg snapped and she was thrown over the hood of the car, landing hard on her head on the other side.



      “Oh, God! Leah!” I ran toward her as quickly as I could while the small red car sped off.



      It was immediately clear that she was very badly hurt. Her leg had broken and was facing the wrong direction. One of her arms was thrown over her head in such a way that her shoulder had to be dislocated. There was a frightening amount of blood around her head where she had hit the asphalt. I could see by the shallow movement of her chest that she was still breathing, but mercifully unconscious. I shouted at her, trying to get her to open her eyes and talk to me, but I was afraid to touch her in case her neck was broken.

      I called 911, and by the time the paramedics arrived, a crowd of teachers and students were standing around us, staring at Leah in horror, whispering together. I didn’t hear anything they said.

      I remember begging to be allowed to ride with her in the ambulance, fighting with the paramedics – they said that only immediate family could ride in the back – and finally getting my way. It was a small thing, but I think they could tell from the desperation in my face that I needed to stay with my friend.

      Of course, once we got to the ER, the police wanted to take a statement from me. At first, all I could think of was that my best friend’s life was hanging by a thread and I couldn’t even talk to her. But as their questions began to sink in, I knew that I couldn’t avoid the real issue any longer.

      Because just as that little red sports car had struck down Leah, I had seen the driver. In that one moment, horror, betrayal, shock, dismay, and disbelief rolled over me in a fierce wave of emotion that overshadowed, yet somehow mingled with, my fear for Leah’s life.

         

      “Son, I need you to tell me who was driving that car.” The officer’s voice brought me back to reality. “We’re lucky you were there to witness the accident at all. A lot of hit-and-runs go unnoticed by bystanders nowadays.”



      For two seconds, I hesitated, not sure if I could say the name out loud. But then the thought of Leah lying broken and bleeding on the ground gave me resolve. “Her name is Madison Barker.”



                                                                                                  *********



      Within the week, they arrested Madison; but the car she had been driving was nowhere to be found. It was my word against hers.

      Upon questioning, she told the police the story of our break-up, but with it was definitely not the version I remembered. She claimed that I had been abusing her, and when she confronted me, I had threatened her life. She then said she had gone home and cried herself to sleep. Her parents confirmed that she had been home when the ordeal with Leah had occurred, and because of the dark tint and high speeds of the car, my simple testimony seemed much more unlikely than hers.

      Meanwhile, Leah was fighting. She had suffered a broken femur, two cracked ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a massive concussion and some internal bleeding. She was fighting, but she never fully woke up, and by end of the third day, she was pronounced dead.



      The ensuing weeks were a nightmare of court cases, sleepless nights, and overwhelming grief. Leah’s funeral was too much for me; I had to leave in the middle of the service, not able to face the fact that I would never see her or talk to her again.

      The date of the trial was even harder. The security camera videos from that day were brought out, but without the car itself, it looked as if Madison was going to going to literally get away with murder. Then, just as we were giving up all hope of justice, the dive team found a red 2005 Mustang in the bottom of Lake Ford. Upon further investigation, it became clear that this was the vehicle we had been looking for.

      But even with the proper evidence in hand, Madison got off relatively easy. It seemed that because she was “mentally unstable”, she was protected by the Mental Health Act of 1983, and was only sentenced to 60 years in a psychiatric facility. 

      When I heard that, my parents had to hold me back so that I wouldn’t murder her myself. The strange, almost smug, look on her face as she walked out of the courtroom didn’t help.

      Years later, I found out that Madison Barker had managed to commit suicide only forty-two months into her sentence.



                                                                                                  *********

         

      And now here I sit, old and alone. My family seems to have forgotten that I exist. My days are characterized by a blankness that scares me when I think about it, although every day I find it easier and easier to forget; every day the little pile of medicine that I don’t take grows a little larger. One day soon, those pills will come in handy.

      My body is tired, and my mind craves peace. Soon I will see my best friend again.

      Sometimes I wake up smiling, but I always fall asleep numb.