Smells Like Teen Spirit

Smells Like Teen Spirit



My mind goes to a dark place when I drift off with the music, my heart starts to match the kick drum and the vocals tell the story of a infant cast out to a black sea. Forgotton, unforgiven, confused.
I believe you can dissect a person by their music, if you escape to a dark NIN song, or bebop to some shit on the pop station, your obviously different. It all has to do with relating, I imagine my own personal hell…. I wonder what it would be like? For me it’s a lightly lit room, small room. Living there for eternity, that’s my hell. There’s someone in the corner of the room, he never speaks, he folds himself into a box and rocks back and forth. He seldom stops to stare into my face then cries and rocks again. I see myself climbing the walls, I look up a scream for help but no one answers. No one ever answers. I try to climb up the concrete walls to no avail, my fingers bleed in the sad, unaccomplished attempt. I am their forever, no drowning, no starving, no suicide, no nothing. I am going mad.
Caitlin’s soundtrack, is full of old Jimi Hendrix tracks, Frank Senatra, and catchy techno bands…there’s no screaming, no subliminal messages, no scary lyrics, or misread information. Shes a very safe, normal, plain jane, if you look that deeply. Caitlin’s never had to deal with the late nights of your parents beating on each other... calling each other “Stupid Mother Fuckers”. She has never had to climb out of her window at 2am to avoid the drunken rampages, she has never been subjected to those dark undertones of life, and I pray to god she never has to, ever. I pray she remains, in the solemn, dreamland, of suburbia, never to wander the dark lit side streets of the real world. I pray she never has to work the midnight gas stations, with jailed windows, and hooded customers. I pray that for Caitlin, that she forever can survive on the sunny side of truth, the light side of life. Where everyone smiles, and has perfect teeth. Where no ones mind wanders to inappropriate places, where we all dream of white picket fences, big screen TV’s, and shiny cars….because isn’t that success? I hope to god, that is where Caitlin dwells forever, because I cannot be her shadow, and watch over her when she decides to venture out, as much as I would like to.
My story is quite the opposite, after leaving my suburbia nightmare, it only began. I filled my car with my most precious belongings, my 35 year old fender electric guitar, and five hundred dollars to my name. I didn’t look back, I don’t want to ever think of my family…not after that night. I never want my father to explain how worthless I am, how I was never meant to ever enter this world, how I will always be a soiled stain on a new white carpet. I never want to watch my mother break light bulbs, and cook up her escape. I never want to walk in on that ever again, its to painful for me to think about. There’s too much history in that tiny light bulb. I never want to watch my brother mask it all, it’s all ok with him, as long as he doesn’t have to deal with it. As long as it isn’t taken out on him, as long as I am their to receive the light bulbs aftermath. As long as Lee is there to hide in the corner, while my door shakes on its hinges.
….shudder…
My brother is okay with the addiction as long as he is free on the weekends, as long as he can have sex with his girlfriend whenever he wants. I couldn’t deal with the environment any longer, the suffering was to great, and there was no time to heal. But the streets on the city will not hold your hand, if your new, it is very quick to backhand you and see what you made of.
But I am going on month 8 of being on my own, with a 2 room apartment, 66 Camaro, and 2 jobs…. Apparently the backhand wasn’t strong enough.
The ear bud ripped quickly out of my ear…Caitlin was standing up, some letterman-jacket wearing guy… I think his name is Gary, or something like that. I laugh to myself, and fall back to the earth. Caitlin stands to his shoulder almost, the one ear bud still in her ear, the other dangling in space. I right myself to get a better look at this fellow, football player defiantly, sort of looks like my brother, but I know its not. I sit cross legged, pulling my cargo jacket closer around my neck. The wind was picking up, and it whipped my dark hair around my face. Caitlin kept shifting from one leg to the other, smiling, she had taken the ipod out and was holding it like her little brothers hand. Gary reached for a stray pieced of her hair, and tucked it behind her ear, Caitlin smiled, but looked a little uncomfortable. I righted myself to stand next to her, stretching my long arms and placing them around her shoulders in a half hug. Garys/? Eyes darted from my hands to Caitlin’s chest, to my eyes again. He looked nervous for some reason, maybe it was the assembly incident last year.
“And you are…?” Gary asked
“Oh, this is my friend Liam” Caitlin explained. She smiled up at me, and bent down to gather her belongings… Garys eyes stayed fixated in my blue eyes.
“You play football Gary?” I asked, with a huge smirk on my face.
“Yeah, I play the offense mostly, not big enough to play much defense….” His voice trailed off as he noticed I wasn’t interested.
“Then you know exactly who I am, and what I am capable of, so don’t play dumb with me” I smiled
“Lee! Don’t be rude, Brian wasn’t talking to you, he approached me thank you very much!” Caitlin half yelled at me…. Damn I knew I had his name wrong!
“So you coming to the homecoming dance this weekend?” Brian asked, his body pointed toward Caitlin.
“Oh, that’s this weekend…I’m actually going to a show, and a family reunion this weekend…sorry.” Caitlin said.
Brian looked a little hurt, he slumped his shoulders and looked over Caitlins shoulders. “That’s okay, maybe some other time? I have Sundays off from work usually?”
Caitlin looked a little confused, but flattered “Yeah, I have church in the morning, but after that I am pretty vacant.” Brain smiled, “I will call you then… see you!” Brain waved and turned around…. Then I saw him. A group of jock/badass wannabes wandered up to Brain exchanging handshakes and “Whats ups? We met eyes for a second but he broke the stare. Caitlin saw him to, saw me tense every muscle in my body, saw me become fixated, like a dog ready to attack. Her soft hand enlaced in mine, my mind jolted out of attack mode, but my eyes still were fixated.
“C’mon Lee, we gotta go” Caitlin begged.
The wind was really picking up now, I could feel it pushing me to my doom. Then he started laughing to the sky, pushing his bigheaded friends out of the path toward me.
“Hahaah Brian, What the Fuck are you doing talking to the burnouts?” He asked
Brain jogged up to his side…” ummm.. nothing just poking fun I guess” Brain exclaimed like a dog with his tail in-between his legs.
“Caitlin, gorgeous Caitlin I thought I told you last time… you gotta try out a real man sometime, sometime when you nice and surprised, I know where you live, you know!” He said with a smirk and a horrible angst to his voice.
“Fuck you Wade!” Caitlin yelled at him, her grip tightened, and she rested her other hand upon my shoulder. I looked deep into his eyes, it was like looking into the mirror, some sort of fucked up mirror that shows you the worst part of your darkening soul.
“What, no quick comeback, your not as snappy as last time. So what time should I be expecting you, are clothes optional?” Wade asked.
“If you come within 100 feet of her Wade, I will kill you!” I said
“Oh, big words! I would have the cops on you so fast, you wouldn’t be able to stand. They don’t believe you, remember last time this happened, when you left and tried to put dad away. I didn’t work, and you’re a liar.” Wade said with a hint of anger in his voice.
“If you think that I was lying, your blind, your so fucking blind” I said in almost a cry.
“Do you still have that nasty scar on the back of you head?” Wade asked as he reached for my face. I don’t wait anymore, I don’t wait for anyone to make a first move, I felt Caitlin backup and my hand wrapped around Wades neck, he pulled back coughing and swearing. Then he came a little faster, his fist met my lower jaw, I staggered back as my mouth started to bleed. I grabbed Wades jacket from the back and pulled him to his knees, throwing him face first into the black pavement. He stood up, wobbling, holding his face in a bloody hand.
“Mother fucker, you broke my nose!!” he screamed
He came swinging again, he missed, and I manhandled his right arm forcing it behind his back, twisting it until his screams were so loud, that I couldn’t take it. I pushed him to his knees screaming, blood pouring from his face. I heard his shoulder pop, and I let him fall. He didn’t get up this time…. He righted himself to sit and scream holding his arm, falling onto his back. Students and teachers surrounded him. Then I felt someone grab my arm and twist it behind my back. I pulled away, just to have someone else take the other arm and handcuff the two together.
I sat in the principals office the rest of the day, for 3 hours I sat there my arms tight behind my back… maybe this was my hell. Then the door opened… our principal and I know each other well, this isn’t the first time. We’ve had this talk many times before, and he wasn’t happy.
“Mr. Cain, we cannot have this behavior on our campus, we have warned you, suspended you, and warned you again. This CANNOT go on!! We have gotten Wade’s side of the story, and a young man named Brian gave us an interesting statement. You will be extremely lucky if Wade doesn’t press charges.” He said
“Are you serious, of course they will press charges, their only my parents, they only hate every part of me that lives and breathes. They want to see me waste away in a cage” my blood was boiling, “why the Fuck does he always get off scott free, is it because he screams louder, does his blood read different then my own? He threatened my girl, you never ever do that, you threaten her ever, and I will hurt you, I will hunt that mother fucker down if he ever gets close to her!” I yelled. “Do you even know Caitlin has a restraining order out against my brother... how fucked up is that? How would you feel if the scariest person to you was right in front of you, threatening rape right in front of your eyes… are you serious?”
“Well, no I didn’t know he threatened Ms. Cross, she has been waiting outside wanting to speak, but I didn’t think she had a role in this.” The principal looked confused and angry in the same facial movement. The secretary soon came in and led me to the lounge outside of the office. She sat their knees together, eyes darting nervously, one foot restless, eye makeup smudged, holding her bag so close to her chest. She saw me and went bolt upright, holding back everything.
“Ms. Cross please, Mr. Baker wants to talk to you.”
I know it took all of Caitlin’s strength to walk to that room, this wasn’t supposed to be public, people were really going to hate us for this, but I don’t think we cared right now. Caitlin stopped in front on me and she reached for my cuffed arm…”Can you please take those off? Liam didn’t do anything wrong” a tear ran down her face. “Take them off please” she demanded. The cop found the key and let my arms free. Before I could inspect them myself, Caitlin had her arms around my shoulders, standing on her tip toes to reach. I could feel the tears through my T shirt. I kissed the top of head, whispering that it would all be okay.
Caitlin told them everything, and Wade told everyone about the restraining order, and the threats. Maybe people would see him differently now? The rest of the complications were settled at the police station and neither of us where incarcerated. All I was thinking about was how I needed to get out of there before my father saw Wade, he would follow me home and probably try to kill me or run me off the road. Caitlin sat next to me, her head on my shoulder. My jaw killed, but it wasn’t bruising yet. Wade sat adjacent from us, a sling around his shoulder and white tape along his nose. His eyes were wild, but they didn’t dare meet mine.
“Ok, Liam Cain, and Caitlin Cross, you are free to go, and Wade Cain, we still need to ask you a couple questions, but your parents are here and want to have a word.” The officer implied. My stomach did a flip-flop, and I swallowed hard. My father was the one person I was petrified of, for one good reason, the scar in the back of my head. I looked up to the ceiling and closed my eyes, this wasn’t happening, not now, please. Then they walked in, Caitlin sat up, and I put my head in my hands, in my knees. Can I be invisible, am I in a nightmare?
I heard my parents voices for the first time in 8 months, for the first time since I tried to bust them for illegal drugs and warrants for their arrests. I was crying, I was really crying. My moms voice was weak and hesitant, and in my direction. My father yelled swear word after swear word, how badly this would effect Wades upcoming season, how scouts will be disappointed… then he stopped, everything stopped. And I was against the wall, I heard someone screamed, the back of my head hit the concrete so hard, my mind went black, my stomach hurt, and I relived my scar.
I woke up minutes later with a women cop with an ice bag on my head and a medic looking into my eyes. Wade, my parents and Caitlin weren’t here.
“His vitals are good, just going to have a bad headache the next couple days, a really bad one!”
I was able to stand up, and could see straight again. Walking was a little weird, and the women cop walked me out of the room into a waiting room.
“Where is that Son of a Bitch…?” I asked
“They are discussing this matter somewhere more secure.” She exclaimed.
“Caitlin, can you get him home okay?”
Caitlin… I knew that name, what was going on?
“Yes, I can thank you guys so much.” Caitlin said
I righted myself, and say straight, my head was killing me.
“No, I can drive, you don’t know how to drive a stick .” I said
“Lee, you are not driving, you will kill us, and yes I can, just get in the passengers seat!”
My 66 Camaro sat in the police parking lot, alone, in the dark, the faded black paint bounced off of the street lamps. I rested my throbbing head against its side, Caitlin searched for my keys, I didn’t protest. She righted me and folded me somehow into the car. Halfway to my place, I started to come to, I could see and hear. And the pain pills where kicking in. Caitlin, was driving my car…wait, what!
“What are you doing over there?” I asked
“Driving, yeah im okay as long as its 3am, and no one else is on the road. You took allot of shots today Rocky, you need to rest up.”
She swung into the crowded parking lot of my apartment complex. I was able to let myself out and find my bag in the backseat. Caitlin swung her backpack on and glanced over at me.
“Can you walk okay? or do you need a walker?” She laughed
“Can I have a scooter please?” I asked.
We climbed the three sets of stairs to my place, I was feeling pretty good now, only a slight bit dizzy. Caitlin was having trouble with the keys, and handed them over. Once inside Caitlin took both our bags, and locked the door behind her.
“Here , your going to need 2 more of theses before bed..”
I took the pills, even though I felt okay, tomorrow was going to be rough. But I felt awesome, I wonder if the meds are laced with morphine or something?
“You okay, you’re eyes are a little glazed over” Caitlin asked
“It’s the meds, man… im sorry, today was really bad first impression. Tomorrow is going to be awful.” I said.
“Oh, we are not going to school tomorrow you need to rest.”
“But I feel amazing!”…. I felt Caitlin around the waist and started a slow dance around my tiny kitchen. She laughed and threw her head up. “Your going to get all dizzy again Lee.” I went to spin her, and she disengaged. “Im tired, long night in the police station, UFC fighting, you know the normal, huh!” Caitlin said.
“Yeah me too, umm, you can have the bed, I’ll catch the couch” I said as I pulled off my shirt and headed for my couch that took up most of all my living room.
“Your sure” Caitlin asked.
“Yep.” I said, Caitlin walked up to me, “Well, goodnight then, I will see you in the morning.” She reached to her tip toes again and kissed my bottom lip, I kissed her back, and she smiled. “That’s just because of today, don’t get any ideas.” She said laughing and kissing me back.