Rockin That Thang - part 2

Part 2

After the baths had been given and the nightly reading had been done, Nic and I are left in the living room watching Wonder Pets while Carly lays on me as I play with her hair. The exhaustive little girl had fallen asleep about twenty minutes earlier, yet Nic and I know that she will wake up if we try and move her just yet. Riley had already been put to bed, being a fabulous sleeper that fell asleep at nine, like every other night. It has been long enough since Carly fell asleep that Nic changes the channel to a program that’s more adult and we sit comfortably watching the show until it’s over.

As the credits start to roll, Nic comes over to the couch and picks Carly up. The look on her face is classically proud mother as she looks down at her sleeping daughter. I smile as I watch Nic head towards Carly’s bedroom, still proudly watching her daughter as she carefully walks down the hall. Turning back to the television, I try watching what’s on the screen, but can’t help remembering Nic’s hand on my arm before dinner and the conversation we almost had. I desperately want the feelings I have for my best friend to be returned, but at the same time I can only see heartache and the loss of a good relationship, and those beautiful children, coming from my saying anything. Also, it is quite obvious that Nic has never even considered me as more than her best friend and babysitter for her kids.

One of my other goods friends, Jamal, knew of my interest in someone. I refused to let him know who it was, or what the situation was, but he did know how much I doubted anything could ever possibly come from any type of conversation over my feelings. His advice, as usual, was sound and comforting, just not plausible. “Honey, you just gotta grab the girl by the boobs and tell her how you feel. You’re hurting as it is, at least this way you’ll hurt in the open.” Jamal certainly had a way with words, but he was right. There was simply no way I could imagine sharing my secret lust with anyone, but especially not the woman for whom I lust.

Sighing, I lean across the gap between the sofa and the loveseat and grab the remote to change the channel. As soon as I lean back a body vaults over the back of the sofa and lands next to me. I rocket up from the momentum of the other body on the cushions and glare down at Nic as she starts giggling quietly so to not wake the girls. Immediately, I fall on top of her and start tickling her sides, knowing this will shortly leave her gasping for air, as she is ticklish and a kid at heart that enjoys playing silly games.

Minutes later we’re both trying to stifle our laughter. Nic lays on the sofa with her head on my lap just as Carly had a bit earlier. She pouts up at me. “My turn?” I nod and she relaxes while closing her eyes. My fingers immediately start going through her hair and gently rub her scalp every time I restart the path.

After a while of playing with her hair I realize I’m watching every movement she makes. I follow every breath, wait to hear any noises that say I’m hitting the right spots and avoiding the wrong ones. Nic’s eyes remain closed and not a word is spoken between us. The television is a mumble of voices that doesn’t penetrate the bubble of our moment.

We had done this plenty of times, with her being the giver while I received, even. My heart is beating too fast though. It feels different somehow. After the near miss of having a key to the house, something that clearly shouldn’t be a big deal but is to me, every moment of this feels different. Feels so incredibly right, yet somehow like I’m cheating myself. I’m tricking my best friend into giving me the relationship I want, yet not really having the title. Doing everything I promised myself I would never do, never rely on someone when they wouldn’t give me everything when that’s all I’m trying to get.

I must’ve stopped playing with her hair because her eyes open and she asks, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Something snaps in me. “Nic… Nicole.” I pause not for sure what I’m going to say to brush her off.

Then…

“I love you.”

My heart stops for a second and I realize what I said. And I know I can’t take it back. Can’t stop it from being heard. She sits up. Pulls back a bit. Just looks at me. Understanding dawns on her features even before I can say anything. The look on her face, it’s not love. It’s a mix of sadness and regret. I can’t handle it.

She starts, “Kaycee… you know you’re my best friend.” I stand up as she talks. She follows suit. She continues, “But I just don’t-” She pauses. I head towards the door and grab my keys. “Kaycee I don’t feel that for you…”

I hear nothing else as I open the front door. “I’m sorry.” I think she’s telling me to stop but I can’t hear it. Can’t follow what she’s saying. I just ruined my own life. Finished off the best relationship I’d never had. As I close the door on everything I had ever hoped to have in life, I whisper one last time, “I’m sorry.”