Daddy Dearest

For the Love of Us



         He walked into my life when I wasn’t looking and swept me away like we were on the wind. He made me laugh until I cried, and cried until I laughed again. He held me in his arms at night and I felt that nothing could ever hurt me. One touch of his hand and he made me feel so warm inside and he made me tremble with feelings that enveloped me. He held me in his arms and I felt safe, we lay together entwined in each other’s arms. I wasn’t looking and he brought joy into my life and happiness, for what seemed an eternity he made me soar in the sky like a bird. I grew up believing that I could not, would not ever fall in love. I only ever saw life as living, never thinking that I would fall in love. He brought love into a life that knew not of it. I began to want more from life he brought out in me hope and desire.

         And then without a word he was ready to walk out of my life the way he came in. Like a ghost he was going to disappear like he was never really there. This time there was now way fro him to make the crying turn to laughter again. His touch still made me feel warm but now I knew that I was wrong, something could hurt me and it was that which I thought had kept me safe. They say that there is only one true love, a soul mate. I had found him and would have done anything for him, for the love of us.

         And for a moment in time I learned to trust before it was all taken away from me. But I had thought that if it was true love that which only soul mates can have, that it could work. That there would be more then hope, desire, that there would be a want for more. That my will could make it all work out in the end.

         What happens when some one falls in love and then it is taken away from them. I know that in me a void took over my heart the moment he said good bye to me. And that void ached so very much and nothing could possibly ever fill it again. I finally learned what was meant by dying of a broken heart, one doesn’t really die. With the way everything feels inside it becomes like you died. Everything slowly becomes a void inside there isn’t much left alive. It was so bad that I began to believe that I couldn’t even cry or laugh ever again there was no place inside of me that held such things anymore.

         I know now that for a moment in my life I had something so precious within reach of me. I had it with in my grasp and did nothing to hold onto it. I realized too late that there was something more I could have done for us. And I realized that I never made it clear how much I really did love him. Even though I would have done anything, said anything for the love of us. I didn’t do it.

         True love is a blessing for me, because I never believed I would have it. I didn’t search it out; it was placed in front of me to walk into one day. I don’t know if anyone else whoever truly fell in love remembers that first moment but I do. He walking and was introduced to me and I looked up and smiled and said hi and in that moment I knew something had happened. A spark had been created even if I didn’t fully realize it.

         Now I watch him walk out of my life forever, never really saying good-bye to him. Because that would crush the last bit of hope left in my heart, the only thing I have left to hold onto. That he held a special place in my heart that nobody could ever touch in my entire life or even begin to fill. To make me able to love again so purely, so open, without reserve, with everything I am. And now I realize that it wasn’t enough to keep us going simply because I couldn’t communicate it all.

         I couldn’t say everything he needed to hear or that was left unsaid. I couldn’t do it without choking on it because I was afraid to hurt him, myself, and us. I did it anyway by not saying anything at all, hanging my head in frustration and uncertainty. I always thought that woman were the ones who were supposed to be able to communicate everything and want to talk.  All I could ever do was get frustrated and get so upset with myself that all I could do was start crying not know what else to do.

         I thought so long and hard about why I was upset at his leaving and at first thought that I was afraid of being alone after he was gone from my life. That I couldn’t handle the thought of having nobody around. Or maybe I had to have someone loving me at all times fro me to feel like I was important. And that’s when I realized that it was none of these things.

         I fell in love and found someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I could see us together, growing old and laughing at each others wrinkles. I saw our children growing up and having children of their own one day and maybe if we were lucky we would live long enough to see great grandchildren. In a day and age when marriages don’t last more then half a decade maybe I should have known better. After all I’m not 7 hears old anymore. There’s no prince charming, no castles in the sky, or white knights in shining armor, and there is no happily ever after. There’s only the day after when it’s over and there’s nothing else to do but go on with my life and hope there will be someone else or something more to my life.

         Life does and will go on somehow; I will survive and dream another dream. After all hope is what makes us human, and human is what I am and I will hope to learn to love again. For my first true love that is out there, I have a few last things to say. You taught me to love, hope, to be happy however briefly. You also taught me that I must take what is given to me and hold on to it for however long it is granted to me and know that it may not last forever. And that love never really dies; my love for him will live inside of me forever even if we don’t see each other again.

         I also realize that I want that which I cannot have, the one thing in the entire world that every person wants at one point in time even if only for just a moment. I want it all! The fairy tales, the happy endings, the fantasies that are hold up in the imaginations of every person that has every dreamed something. Hoped for something totally out of reach even if only be a mere inch. That inch which I was unwilling to reach out for. Until it was too late and he was gone from my life forever.

         I look back at my life that seems like a long time in the running and know that I haven’t really lived all that long yet. 29 years isn’t long enough to know everything and I know that I will learn from every mistake, every moment that I live through and that which does not kill me will make me stronger. I have learned one thing in my short life span: that life without love is no life for me. I have known love and it was something wonderful that I will remember it until the day I die. I will remember him: he will remember me: and we will go our separate ways.

         I now say good bye to the love of us, to the love that will never end. To the love that will never die inside of me. To the love that is for only that special someone I found one day so long ago. That he may find that which I could not give him. For I now know that it was not in me that he could find it. I say this now for there must be and end for every beginning and there will surely be a beginning from this end. Forgive me!