Reminiscence of a Broken Heart

There really isn’t a right word to describe heartbreak. I think I would rather be hit by a bus then ever feel this way again. Well, I know I would rather be hit by a bus.  If you get hit by a bus, the actual impact lasts only seconds, and the time spent in the hospital would be accompanied by pain pills. So you wouldn’t feel the pain. There is always some kind of drug to subside physical pain. There is nothing they can prescribe to make your emotionally debilitating pain better.  A therapist could give you some Prozac, but that is used to curing chemical imbalances within the brain. Being let down by a loved one doesn’t “create” a chemical imbalance, your born with that tribulation.  Feeling dejected by someone you legitimately love with all heart, whether it is a romantic relationship, friendship or kinship, is worse than any pain you can physically feel.  When you have a cut or an infection a doctor can give you a relative idea of how long the pain will last. However, no one can give you any time frame of how long your heart will hurt. It feels as though it will last forever, it’s hard just to face the day. When someone is emotionally unhealthy, everyone in their life is affected. No one can make it better, even if you the one who put you in the position you’re in can make much of a difference. The past cannot be undone. There is no simply forgetting the pain that was inflicted upon you. The devastation prohibits you from having successful relationship.

A romantic relationship ending is the perfect example of the worst kind of heartache you can feel. When a significant other leaves you the emotional turmoil contains several emotions.  Jealousy, anger, fear, loneliness, helplessness, invalidated, depression, and you feel betrayed. All of these create a concoction harmful enough to debilitate life from moving at a regular pace. If a person has solely based their life around a relationship that comes to an abrupt end it feel as though life is over. In a way it is. You live with this person, sleep with them, eat with them, spend holidays with them, you literally spend a whole fragment of your life around them. A future for yourself, maybe your children is planned with them in it. The list is never ending.  When someone in your life who you consider to be your best friend. Someone you always lean on, who’s  suppose to be your backbone through thick and thin ends the life they shared with you it’s hard to figure out which direction to move in. Suddenly the house is empty, or you have to relocate to another home. The bed you’re used to sharing is half empty and there are two pillows with no use.  Your whole way of living, thinking, and feeling is rearranged without your consent. It feels unfair that someone else has so much control over the way carry your life. You didn’t want anything to change; it’s not your choice. There is not a worse feeling than having someone deny the love you offer them. Its feels impossible that the person you have shared years with suddenly doesn’t want you in their life anymore. It takes one day, and your life, in a way, is over. You have no other option but to hold your head up and start from scratch again. The world won’t stop for you, everyone keeps moving through the motions of their day and you have to keep up. It really doesn’t matter to anyone else that you are being forced into a position you don’t want to be in. Not a single person on this earth can stop their life just because yours has. You go through this mile stone alone. You grieve on your own, you cry alone. Family and friends may have pity on you for the first few weeks. However, everyone will get sick of being around a miserable person. You will be expected to snap out of it, you are supposed to get over it. The thought of your previous relationship isn’t suppose to bring you to tears months after it ended. You may always miss this person in your life, but after an amount of time, you are expected to be desensitized to the whole situation. The debilitating, burden of pain your carrying around is expected to gradually not be as intense. Friends won’t care to hear your sob stories anymore because you are the one who won’t let your past go. It has been months, and you still can’t go one second without thinking about, could have been, and should have been, what could have been done differently in order for this to never have happened. You find a reminder of the previous life you shared in everything you see, do or say. The thought of the person you love most in world, caring for and simply spending the day with another person makes you sick to your stomach. If seeing or hearing about  him or her moving on happily without you beside them still brings you to your knees , what is one suppose to do? The only option is to fake it and plaster on a smile. In order not to run away everybody in your life you must search for other topics to talk about, and you have to choke back tears.
I’ve done this every day since I was forced to open a new chapter in my life. It has been several months since I was cast aside and forced to face my days alone. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to be able to live my life like I’m productive member of society. I would like to go out with friends and not worry about what he is doing. I don’t want to feel pure hatred towards every other woman in his life. I want to let my mind wonder into more peaceful thoughts. I am lonely. I wish I could work towards another relationship. Every time I am lying next to someone else I close my eyes and I still smell him. When someone hugs me I still try to press my face against his chest. I still glance at the clock and think that when 5 o clock rolls around he will be on his way home to me, on his way to our house. I can’t get used to him not sleeping next to me every night, so every morning I wake up and roll around to find him missing. I’m only half way living because the other half of me is still desperately fighting a losing battle to regain something that doesn’t belong to me anymore.  I can’t even get peace from my pain while I’m sleeping. Every dream I have is consumed by him, so when I wake up I expect this all to be a nightmare and for his arms to be around me. I am so beyond stuck in this horrible place and I don’t know how to begin to move on. I want so badly to let someone in and have another relationship. I can’t seem to give myself the opportunity to fall in love again. I can’t imagine my life without him. I planned for us to share the rest of our lives hand in hand in each other. I assumed he would always be for me. He told me he would, and I whole heartedly believed him. I feel like I took for granted the fact that someone loved me so much, that someone thought I was beautiful no matter how crappy I thought I looked, and I had someone that was always on my side and to catch me every time I got close to rock bottom. He told me he was always going to be my best friend and I can’t understand how he is moving on so smoothly when I hardly know how to breathe without him. I feel like no one will ever love me with the intensity or the unconditional purity he offered me. I don’t deserve to be put on the pedestal he had me on. He made me believe I was something when I thought I was nothing. He made me strong and guided me through everything tough in my life. I don’t know how to handle this pain without him. He was the one who helped me cope when something went wrong. I can’t do this myself, but no one can do it for me. I’m waiting for someone new to come around and make the ghost of him go away. I want someone to give me my heart back. I need someone to remind how it feels to be worth something, someone to teach me all over again how to love.  No one can do that for me, I have to figure this out all alone. Obviously I am not doing it right.
I remain in first gear when I should at least be in third by now. I have no concept of the future, I can’t bring myself to rearrange all the plans I had meticulously made for me and him. I’m still waiting for him to come back and tell me it was all a mistake, and that he needs me as much as I feel like I need him. I know he’s not going to. I know he is fine without me. I don’t understand how he’s living and going about everyday as if I was never in life. He made me believe he loved me so much that this wouldn’t ever happen. It’s simply unfair that I can’t face the day. Everything feels like it’s in slow motion, and with every passing day I get more, and more lost. I can’t be like this anymore and I he has my instruction booklet about the standards of living a happy life. I miss him so much sometimes that I can’t even fake a smile, but I’m forced to make a up a damn good reason why I’m not in a good mood. If I were to share how bad this still hurts me I would be ridiculed and blown off. I need to be better for my sanity. I am living in the past and unwilling to just let him go and accept my life without him. This is the single most devastating feeling I have ever experienced. Instead of getting better, happier and being a step closer to finding someone new I digress every minute and become farther away from my goal of just being alright. I don’t even ask to be perfect  I would settle for ”ok”. I want to accept that he is happy without me. It kills me.  Another female is going to be in my place, sharing the menial tasks and errands of the day with him. There’s a chance she might do it all better, and he will feel a love for her more strongly than he did with me. Those are the thoughts that debilitate me, make me cry and make me unable to do anything towards moving on. It should not be defeated by this anymore. It is not healthy for me to constantly either be depressed, and using the effort it takes to appear as though I am fine. I would sell my soul to feel the security his companionship offered me again. I can’t do so until I let him go, let my past go. I have to begin my new start in life. I simply don’t know how, therefore I am scared to even begin.