lost love

How dangerous it is to get used to your own misery, when we are so deep in our pain we get so damaged that we don’t want to get out to the outside world as if it’s more dangerous than where we are already in. yesterday I got divorced from a man I was so much in pain with but I had no choice than to stay with him or that’s what I thought for four years and I wonder why is it that I got used to him and got used not to ask more out of life or is it that I love him or I’m just afraid to face myself and the world without him . I had to leave the house and I had to gather all my memories, picture and my clothes in garbage bags to be store d with a friend till I find a place and as if all these four years with its pain, love , happiness can be summarized with 10 garbage plastic bags ! And as I lie alone in bed in the hotel I miss his breathing, snoring, the warmth of his body and his scent. how can I explain these feelings to the people around me , to my friends and to myself  they say it’s a temporary phase that will go away by itself but a pain of four years how long will it take to heal ? And how long is life to live it in pain than to try to heal the pain? Am I back living alone isn’t this what I wanted deep inside? Have I lost my love or my soul? today we said our goodbyes and we shook hands like strangers even  when we first met we hugged and back than we were also just strangers but seems with the divorce papers around the corner we are more strangers than before . I am now alone in a strange room in a cheap hotel waiting for him to call and say it was just a nightmare and its over everything will be back to normal to the normal that was not normal and deep inside I know what was broken can never be fixed and the papers has to be signed and the relation failed and what once was love and the waiting to be under one roof was nothing but a dream that ended with a nightmare…