Bound

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         Within a week, he loved her. In two, he was head over heels in love. He hadn’t expected her, hadn’t been looking for her but fate had thrown her into his path, into his life, and into his heart. He had never experienced anything like it before.

         Little did he know at the time, she loved him too. It caught her completely by surprise and once she realized that, not only did she love him, but also she was utterly in love with him. She had never felt this way in her life.
She was everything he never knew he wanted or needed. She was more than he could have dreamed of even if his imagination was to grow three times its size. There was something hauntingly Dark about her. It amazed him.
He was a bright beacon, Light in her world of Darkness and it awed her. Until she met him, she hadn’t been aware of how dark things had become, not until he brought his Light.

         One night after their love making, they lay together. She sat up on her elbow and stared down into his loving eyes. He cupped her cheek in the palm of his hand and returned her gaze. In that instant she felt, in his touch and in his gaze, that they could spend the rest of their days like this. Before she even realized it, a binding had started in her heart. As she looked into the eyes of her beloved, she kissed the palm he had placed on her cheek and spoke. “Mine,” she said. He smiled. She kissed his forehead. “Mine,” she said. Down the bridge of his nose and his cheeks she kissed, saying, “Mine,” as she went along. Down his neck and arms and across his chest, “Mine. Mine. Mine.” She kissed along the plains of his stomach until she came to his hips. Taking his arousal into her hands, she looked up and into his eyes and whispered, “Mine,” for the last time. He held her gaze, the warmth of his love and the heat of his desire dancing in its depth, and spoke the final words to the binding she had unintentionally started in her heart: “Yours. All yours.” She took him into her mouth and relished in the tangy, saltiness of him. She pleased him. His pleasure was her pleasure because he was hers. But all magic cuts both ways. Just as surely as he belonged to her, she belonged to him.

         After that night, the fabric of their lives was completely woven together. Their days were marked by their interactions: every touch, conversation, outing or, even sometimes, an argument, became a reference point for every day. It was the happiest they could ever recall being. Even when other things were grim they looked to each other and found joy and their love continued to grow. But nothing lasts forever.

         Life threw an increasing amount of obstacles in their way but at first, their love weathered the storms. Though this was new to both of them, she was better equipped to brave it, being used to Darkness, disquiet and chaos. Even when things were bleakest, she was able to keep her faith in herself and their love, and she carried them through when, sometimes, his courage and faith failed him. He had not expected it to be this way.

         He grew bitter and resentful toward her for the Darkness they had encountered. Bitter and resentful that the haze that had prevented him from seeing the Darkness in himself and in his world had been blown away by the storms. Bitter and resentful that she could stand it and not be cowed by it but blossomed. Resentful that he could not, would not, take away anything from the Darkness, not even the learning of Self that comes at the end of it. He began to curse her. He began to tell her that she was wrong and not enough and that her Darkness, and only hers, was affecting them and that she needed more Light. She shone as brightly as she could, but the brighter she shined, the more obvious his Shadows became. So he began to betray her. And then he strayed for one less than she, but with less Darkness. But although he strayed from her and tried to deny her, he loved her no less.

         She couldn’t believe it. She was stronger than he was, but she loved him no less. Though his weakness vexed and irritated her, she loved him the same. She didn’t understand why he cursed her, called her, “witch,” and left her behind. She didn’t understand how he could stray and cast his eye on another. She couldn’t understand his betrayal. She couldn’t understand how his Light, which had appeared so bright, could turn out to be so false. How could that Light have been an illusion that covered up such Bleakness, for even Darkness has a depth and quality that is REAL. How could there be, under that Light, under his Light, past the Darkness he hadn’t wished to acknowledge, such Bleakness where there should have been kept the knowledge of Self.

         For weeks on end, she was filled with sorrow. Through her prayers and chants, she found little peace. The binding still tugged at her heart and would not be dismissed. It was worst at night. Sleeping alone after imagining that she would never do so again caused the sorrow to grow and the binding to ache until she could not breath from the pain and heartbreak. One night, the sorrow was so thick that she was blinded by her tears and did not see him approach in her mirror. Her sobs were so loud, even as she sobbed into her folded arms, they covered the sound of his shoes on the floor. She was so ensnared by her anguish that she did not feel his shadow fall over her prone form. It was only when he touched her hunched, shaking shoulders that she knew he had come Home. At his touch, her tears dried up and she stared at him in the mirror of her vanity and was silent. She did not know how she felt at the first sight of him, for she felt too many things at once; relief, rage, love, hate and too many other contrary things, so she was silent.

He stared back at his beloved and felt a deep shame. The redness of her eyes was an accusation, the tear streaks, the uncombed hair and weight loss were the evidence but his undoing, his execution were the eyes themselves. Eyes that used to crinkle with joy and love when they fell on him now stared at him with dull recognition. He fell to his knees and begged her forgiveness. He told her of the void in his life where she had been and of how profoundly her loved and missed her. He took back all the mean, spiteful, hurtful things he had said to her and how intensely sorry he was for his betrayal. He grabbed her hands, she had turned to face him, and told her that no one could live in his heart but she. “Will you, can you have me after all I have done?” He asked her, a supplicant hoping for mercy.

         And because she loved him so truly, she took him back. After they made love and he lay sleeping, curled around her as if he would never let her go, she lay awake staring into darkness. She knew she loved him and she knew, even through his treachery, that he loved her, but she was very apprehensive and did not fully forgive or trust him. Lying there, she did something she had refused to do when he had left. Turning to face him, she placed one had over his heart and the other on hers and closing her eyes, strengthened their binding. She did not add anything to it, she merely restored it to when it had been strongest, the night the intensity of their love had caused the binding to occur. She masked some of her Darkness, determined that he should not be able to leave her for it again.

         She awoke to him smiling happily down at her. An answering smile spread across her face as she saw that his Light shined along with his Darkness. She had despaired that they would never have such mornings together again. He made her breakfast to show her how much he loved and appreciated her and kissed her constantly. Every morning she woke up to a fresh bouquet of flowers on her vanity. In time, she let go of her apprehensions and trust began to grow once more. She believed that he had learned his lesson and now fully appreciated how deep and irreplaceable their love was and that he had gained Self-knowledge while they had been apart.

         She did her best to show him how truly she loved him and how committed she was to their continued happiness. But even her best efforts could not touch the Bleakness he still had not confronted. As long as the Bleakness remained, he could only be half of a man and not equipped to deal with dance of Light and Dark that is Love.

         It started with silence. The carefree conversations grew stunted and forced. His tone and demeanor gradually turned colder and more distant. She grew afraid and confronted him. He told her it was nothing and he became less distant. For a while. But he lapsed back into silence and distance and nothing she said or did could pull him back to her. Inevitably and to her utter despair, he left her again even as she begged him to stay. He told her that the weight of their love was too much for him to bear and that he could not, at this time in his life, carry the happiness of two.

         This time the it was too much for her to bear. She took to her workroom. With her pestle, she created a paste that would numb physical pain for a day. Lighting candles on the floor, she began the working that would allow her to remove the binding. She rubbed the paste onto her left breast and raised the knife. She sank the blade into her chest. Once the cut was large enough, she put her hand inside her chest and removed her still beating, heart. She placed it in an enchanted velvet-lined case and in its place, she placed a block of ice. The ice heart allowed her to go on for a week before she would have to take her heart out of its case. She had to wear her own heart for one day before it could be replaced with the ice. On and on she went trading her fleshly heart for one made of ice until her mind had mostly forgotten him and the binding had weakened. But he had not forgotten her.

         As the weeks passed, his shame at deserting his beloved filled him. Though he had found another to amuse him and occupy his mind so that he would not have to think of her, the shame and longing built within him. He missed the softness of her skin and her voice, the steadiness of her character and the odd mixture of Light and Darkness that made her so compelling and unique and REAL. His missed her vitality and the way she loved him. He tried to quit her from his mind but the binding on him never let him completely forget her. He resolved to find her and do whatever it took to regain her trust and, if need be, her love.

         He went back to where he had last seen her, last held her and was distraught to see she was no longer there. That was when he first felt the stabbing pain in his heart. He asked around for her and was told that she had gone a month ago. He was told to look toward the North if he were to find her. He journeyed North, always one step behind her. Every time he was told that he had just missed her, the stabbing in his chest would begin, leaving him doubled over with the pain until it passed.

         After two weeks of traveling, the nightmares began. He dreamed that he was trapped inside a case where no one could hear him pounding and screaming to be released. Then the dream would switch to a total blackness that held nothing but extreme cold. He would wake up shivering with a throat raw from screaming. He wanted to find her quickly so that the warmth of her love could chase away the cold that lingered after his dreams.

         Finally after a month of traveling, he heard of a woman fitting his beloved description. He hurried toward her, a dull throbbing starting in his heart. The closer he got to her, the colder he felt and the more intense the pain in his chest became. When he finally reached her, he could barely stand. He fell to his knees before her feet. He looked into her eyes and was chilled to his bones. She was Ice. In the depths of her gaze, he saw his nightmare. There was nothing but coldness in her eyes. He reached out a shaking hand, beseechingly, but drew it quickly back to his body when he felt the wintry wind against his palm.

         She felt nothing but cold as she stared down at him. It was the seventh and final day for her icy heart and she was glad that it was beating in her chest instead of the heart he had corrupted. He looked twisted to her. Where she used to see the man she loved, she saw a scared, piteous creature. When he raised his hand to her, she released the coldness of her heart. She let him feel in person what he had been feeling in dreams. She smiled to see him recoil from her. It was a glacial expression.

         “Please.” He said. He did not know if he was asking that she make the pain stop or for her to accept him. 

         “No.” She said, not caring which question she answered as she walked away from him. Gathering her things, she set out once again for the North where she could live with her ice heart forever.

         As she put distance between, the stabbing pain lessened until it was just a dull ache. He was shaken to his core. He had turned her into that. He wasn’t sure how he knew this to be true, but he did. The shame was overwhelming and it threatened to destroy him. It pushed him to the edge of his Darkest self and he had no choice but to confront the Bleakness of his character. Where they should have been knowledge of Self, he saw excuses. Now he could see his beloved reaching out to him, giving all of her Self to him in an attempt for him to confront the Bleakness. He saw visions of his beloved shrinking back from him, from the insults and blame he had heaped upon her to avoid dealing with HimSelf. He had not seen the original damage he had inflicted on her and her Self-Esteem. He stared at all the denials he had stored in place of knowledge and was overcome with sadness.

         With no other choice, he searched his mind, his heart and his soul for Self-knowledge. He set aside all of the junk he had accumulated and the Bleakness became Self-Awareness. It was full of Light and Dark, but mostly importantly, it was full of Him. The difference was extraordinary. He rushed after his beloved with renewed vigor. He reached her just as she was about to cross over into the North and out of his grasp forever. The stabbing pain and cold had come back in full force but he pushed through to get to her. “Stay with me!” He yelled.

         She laughed an ugly, frigid laugh. “I have no wish to stay with you. I have done much to rid myself of you, in fact.” She placed a hand over her heart, the other held the case with her fleshly heart. The heart that was still bound to his. “In here, there is ice. With ice, I am safe from you and in the North, I can keep the ice here for all time.”

         “Stay with me, please. Cast your icy heart aside and come back with me.” Trembling, he stood up. He clutched at his chest and his teeth chattered with the cold that was all around him, inside of him. He lurched closer to her and barely managed to stay standing.

         “No. I have suffered enough at your hands.” She dismissed him. She turned prepared to cross the border. Before she could take a step, his hand closed around her arm. She cried out as she felt a stabbing pain in her chest. She turned, prepared to push him away but was stopped by something in his eyes. Something new burned there, something she had only seen bits of. She gasped when she realized what she saw.

         “Yes, my love. I have dealt with my Shadows. I know who I Am now. It took seeing you like this for me to confront the Bleakness in me, but I have and it is no more. I understand no one is all Light or all Darkness. I now know that Love is full of both and now I am prepared.” He let go of her arm and stood back. “I can tell you nothing other than how ardently I love you and how truly sorry I am. I know you have no reason to believe me but I want you for now and ever. I’ll swear any oath if you will just come back with me.”

         She wavered. She could feel the binding rebuild itself on her fleshly heart inside the casing. She knew that if she went back with him, she would be just as bound as she was before and it would be her own fault. As she debated, she could feel her heart began to melt. She had to decided quickly. Go to the North and be safe in the ice and cold forever or bind herself to a world of warmth and risk again. She stared at this new man in front of her with Self-Awareness burning inside of him. She looked closely and saw the Light she had first loved and the Darkness she had learned to love and saw that they were no longer separate.

         She closed her eyes and handed him the case. A look of pain and defeat crossed his face. He opened his mouth to plead his case when she reached out her hand and placed it upon his lips. It was warm.

         In disbelief, he opened the case and saw a heart-shaped block of ice nestled in the velvet.