never so...

if i go through with this meeting, does that make me a bad person? everybody around me thinks so. but the power that is being offered to me, its almost worth it. some might say, if its not in you already, you'll never have it. but i say, "its in there, somethig's just gotta happen to bring it to life" and you were my "something" that finally happened. it still hurts more then i'll admit to anyone. i still wish you'd call me. i still wish i would see your face with those eyes. and that every part of you would be saying, "i love you amanda, and im sorry" but that will never happen. NEVER. because i gave you all of me. and it wasnt good enough. i gave you everything i had and its been so long since i tried to take it back that i dont remember what it is. i dont remember who i am.i dont think i ever knew who i was. NEVER. but one day i will. i've always been curious about life. but lately all i want to know is WHY I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT SOMEBODY THAT DOESNT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME. why? so many times i thought i had it figured out. all the things that meant so much to me never meant a damn thing to you. i dont feel this way about ANYONE. why? its not fair.... i would have done anything for you. what did i do wrong? why couldnt you just love me and respect me. and care about me. am i just.... not your type. whats your type? a free spirited adventurous pothead, funny pretty caring intelligent loving girl... wait.... the girl i was when we met? im so confused. im sooo confused. i dont understand. you just... ugh... you fuck me up in the head. i dont remember why i thought it was good. because it wasnt... it was never anything but stupid puppy love. it was never real. i was such an idiot i tried so hard to hold onto something that i never fucking had. NEVER.