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Rated: 13+ · Survey Form · Comedy · #1520308
Because even Supreme Overlords must start somewhere.
Logo of SHREWD: Society for the Hiring and Recruitment of Entrepreuners in Wicked Deeds.
Society for the Hiring and Recruitment of Entrepreneurs in Wicked Deeds
"Because even Supreme Overlords must start somewhere."


Congratulations!

You have been pre-qualified for one of this year's coveted SHREWD sponsorships!

We at SHREWD believe in the promotion of the independent spirit among evil doers everywhere, and we are proud to offer you this unique opportunity to further your dastardly plans. Our applicants are drawn from the prestigious Who's Who of Aspiring Overlords and are then screened by a rigorous internal committee to ensure the quality of our final candidate pool. This letter is to inform you that you have therefore passed the first hurdle on the long, rewarding path to infamy. As the next step in the selection process, we ask you to please complete the following form and return it to our office within two weeks of your receipt.

Thank you, and we look forward to our future correspondence.

Best regards,
Board of Directors
S.H.R.E.W.D.

(Note: If, on the other hand, you believe that you are receiving this communication in error and that your name does not actually belong in the WWAO database, please fill out and return the enclosed self-addressed, stamped postcard so that our office may correct this oversight. You may then wish to get all of your worldly affairs in order as quickly as possible so that there will be no further complications when we dispatch a ninja hit-team to your place of residence to ensure the continued secrecy of our organization. Thank you in advance for your cooperation and we apologize for any inconvenience.)

Fine print:

SHREWD is an organization dedicated to the encouragement of innovative thought in the field of evil while at the same time preserving the time-honored traditions of villainy for the oppression of generations to come. In recognition of these tough economic times, we strive to foster those among us whose dark ambitions may be stifled by lack of sufficient resources or mentorship. To that end, the SHREWD sponsorship was established, with grants and donations from past members eager to give back to a community that cradled them in their own first bumbling steps toward notoriety.

A SHREWD sponsorship offers many things to the aspiring villain. Among these are: capital with which to start your nefarious campaign of terror; a mentor to offer advice, guidance, and bailout money should the occassion arise; twice-weekly classes on the classic characteristics of evil overlords, and how to adapt them to the modern world; discussion groups focused on current issues and events and the best ways of manipulating them to your benefit; and much, much more. Those chosen for a sponsorship will also have access to SHREWD's state-of-the-art facilities, among them our missile control board (codes not included), cutting-edge laboratory, authentic ancient castle with underground dungeon, executive suite for business meetings, and Olympic-standard gym with attached sauna and jacuzzi.

Competition for our sponsorships is often fierce, and we appreciate -- in fact we encourage -- candidates to take matters into their own hands should they so desire. Feel free to remove bothersome rivals to help us narrow the field. Not only does it cut down on the hassle of the selection process, it shows a proactive spirit ready to tackle the challenges that lie ahead.
Multiple submissions allowed | (R) denotes a required field.
1.   Moniker. Every would-be super villain needs a Dastardly Designation, a name with which to strike fear into the hearts of innocents everywhere and sow confusion among those pesky law enforcement types. For those who do not see the glamour of an alter ego, worry not; your DD is non-binding and may be changed at a later date or in the event that you feel secure enough in your evil powers as to no longer require its use. (R)
     
2.   Gender. This should really be self-explanatory. (R)
     
3.   Villain type. SHREWD is an equal opportunity employer. We recognize the valuable contributions made to further the cause of darkness by those from all walks of life. That being said, which one of the following categories most closely describes how you view yourself? (R)
        Mad scientist
        Criminal boss
        Dark magician
        Lab monster
        Extraterrestrial
        Fallen knight
        Evil robot
4.   Minions. We at SHREWD understand the difficulty of building a reliable network of minions from the ground up, and we are therefore prepared to offer our assistance in this regard provided a suitable rate of return may be negotiated at a later date. If you require start-up funds for this purpose, please fill in the circle most appropriate to your situation. (R)
        I already have hordes of minions catering to my every whim.
        I have a respectable number of minions and already have the resources with which to increase them.
        I am currently a minion myself but plan to destroy my master and acquire his network.
        I am currently a minion with no workable plans for acquiring power.
        My minion collection is not what I could wish. Assistance would be welcome.
        A few pitiful bootlickers who couldn't find their own arses without a map. Help please.
        My minions consist of my mom and that three-legged dog who wandered into my garage, uh, lair. Help!
5.   Priorities. Time management is important to any new business. Given a situation where you may only choose one, with nothing else being guaranteed, would you rather: (R)
        Take the gold.
        Keep the prince/princess.
        Destroy the hero.
        Expound on your genius.
        Take the world down with you.
        Drink all the alcohol.
        Run away.
6.   Role model. This is the part of our application that gives a nod to all the great super villains who have passed before us and laid the groundwork for so much of our success. Which of the following would you say has provided the greatest inspiration in your own work? (R)
        Lex Luthor
        The Joker
        Voldemort
        Raistlin Majere
        Cruella de Vil
        Dracula
        Big Bad Wolf
7.   And why? That's great! We all need role models in our lives to look up to. Now, tell us why you picked whomever you chose. What is it about that particular baddie that floats your boat? On the other hand, is there anything you might have done differently or improved upon were you in their situation? If your selection in the previous list was not your "perfect" fit, tell us who you have in mind and why. (R)
     
8.   History. All right, enough about other people. After all, as every evil mastermind knows, there is only ONE most important person in the universe, right? So go on, tell us something about what lured you to the path of evil, what rewards you hope to reap, and what destruction and despair you plan on wreaking upon your enemies. (R)
     
9.   Strengths. What do you view as your greatest strength? (R)
        Psionic powers
        Super brain
        Muscles of steel
        Control of the fabric of reality
        A vast network of bribed and corrupted officials
        Dominion over the undead
        A truly maniacal cackle
10.   Weaknesses. While most aspiring supreme overlords deny the presence of any weakness, SHREWD finds that honesty in this matter (and probably this matter alone) generally increases the Lag Time to First Arrest (LTFA). So, of the following list, which would you say is your most dreaded weakness? (R)
        Sunlight
        Darkness (it's all right, we all have those moments)
        Cute fuzzies (includes kittens, puppies, bunnies, etc.)
        Spiders
        Chocolate
        Brussel sprouts
        Pixiedust
11.   First evil deed. Was it holding up the lemonade stand of the kid down the street? Was it murdering your mentor because he couldn't see the beauty of your dark vision? Whatever your first evil deed was, we want to know! Please include references, if pertinent. (R)
     
12.   Greatest achievement. Go on. You know you want to brag. Whether it was how you swindled that kid out of his lollipop or the elaborate scheme you executed to disposed of those inconvenient bodies in the back yard, SHREWD wants to know what you view as your greatest achievement to date. (R)
     
13.   Ambition. Of course, the greatest driving force behind any super villain is that over-arching ambition that defines the shape of our very existence. It can be as consuming as greed, as diabolical as ruler of the underworld, and as obsessive as being the sole possessor of all the original Beatles albums in their authentic vinyl form. Although such lofty dreams are, of course, incomprehensible to mere law-abiding mortals, SHREWD understands; our career counsellors will be happy to tailor your sponsorship to your specific aims. Please use the following space to tell us of your goals. (R)
     
14.   Superheroes. Although not every hero is a superhero, the latter group is a particularly irritating nuisance and a potential blight on the careers of self-serving megalomaniacs everywhere. While aspiring candidates are not expected to have dealt with any to date, SHREWD appreciates applicants who have given some thought to this issue, as one that affects numerous aspects of our field. In that spirit, please use the following space to tell us your thoughts on this pestilence. Possible themes include: which superhero would you most like to destroy and how; theories on how they can maintain their meddlesome, self-righteous ways despite an obscene (but rather exciting) amount of latex; which sidekick seems most open to swaying to the dark and why; etc. You may also feel free to expound on a theme of your own choice. (R)
     
15.   Down time. As in any high-stress career, supreme overlords should not hesitate to take some time for themselves or suffer the risk of burnout. What would be your down time of choice? (R)
        Spending time with my harem. Yeeesss...
        Torturing prisoners using Easy Cheese and a pair of bifocals. Don't ask.
        Forcing some random, unlucky minion to walked naked across a plank over a tank of pirahnnas.
        Strolling around my necropolis listening to the sounds of wailing and despair.
        Lying on a beach in the Carribean with one of those little drinks with umbrellas.
        Two words: petting zoo!
        Other
16.   Tell us more... If you answered "Other" on the previous question, or if you just want to elaborate on your preferred method of R&R, feel free to use the space below. (R)
     
17.   References. SHREWD recognizes that supreme-overlords-on-the-make generally leave few behind to tell the tale. Nevertheless, please list at least three people, alive or dead, who can vouch for the vileness of your character. Our seance specialists will be standing by for those no longer of the mortal plane. Please also include a short blurb telling us of their relationship (current or former) to yourself and any special precautions SHREWD personnel should take before approaching them to discuss your proposed sponsorship. (R)
     
18.   Appearance. Finally, we ask for a detailed description of your physique. Please include such traits as height, weight, build, hair and eye colors, complexion, etc. Our on-staff design team will need all of these as they work to compose your very own super villain outfit -- one that will send ripples of horror through the huddled masses even as they admire how your attire brings out your eyes and complements your skin tone. (R)
     
19.   Latex. Please check below if you suffer from a latex allergy, as this is the favorite material of our design team and we dislike our candidates dying of asphyxiation after trying on their outfits. Note: such asphyxiation is grounds for immediate disqualification; no refunds.

Yes, I am allergic to latex.
Note: SHREWD is not liable for any damages, up to and including death, that may result from use of our products.
      Check this box to agree with the above statement.
20.   Thank you for your interest! Our recruitment committee with be reviewing all applications over the next few weeks and will contact our finalists as soon as possible. In the interests of perhaps hurrying things along, please check below to indicate whether you would like to receive a comprehensive list of judges (to bribe) and other competitors (to off). Thank you, and we wish you the best of luck in this and all future dastardly endeavors!

Yes, I would like my comprehensive list mailed to my residence.
Note: SHREWD guarantees the privacy of your residential information, except in cases where requested by your sponsorship rivals.
      Check this box to agree with the above statement.
*Note* Disclaimer: The information submitted will be sent to silverfeathers Author Icon. Do not submit anything private or confidential.

       

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