Change Is Real (Auto-Biography) Part 7

Relationships aren't about sex in my book, sex is just love making, sharing an intimate moment with each other and blocking out all problems and the only thing that matters in that moment is you, your partner, and the room that you are in with no other care in the world. A relationship is just a never ending series of goals that you set and try your best to achieve to make things work out. Relationships aren't perfect and aren't intended to be because we are humans, we all make mistakes and that is what makes humans the best creatures on this planet: Since we feel emotional pain, he understand and cherish the values of love and compassion. Without pain, love wouldn't be as valuable and there would be no need to progress in life. You should love everyone and value the gift of life since you only have one to live, regardless of your religion. Arguments or not, don't leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like might not like you in return.

None of that stopped them from arguing though and it just sickens me because there I was without a girlfriend and I would do anything in my power to be loyal and faithful as long as she is in return. It was harder for me because most of the types that i like only like white guys but in my honest opinion, I think I am this skin color for a reason because i can find the good in people easier because if they are racist, I would be the first one to know. I love rock and metal music, I use proper grammar and punctuation when ever i speak so I don't understand why people label me, I am not even black, if you look at me closely, I am brown. Why can't job applications put brown, why should i have to fill in "other" because technically we are all in that category. I grew to dislike people because of the way people think so i started my own way of thinking and to this day, it works out.

I don't trust people, but I don't hate people, I don't hate anyone or anything in this world, i cherish it and just the fact that I know people can change makes me cherish life even more. I value the people that I do have in my life and life is to short to hate anyone or anything, even with my arachnophobia i still love spiders. If someone doesn't like me than that's fine, they can simply not associate with me and I still love and care for that person no matter what. If that person is a terrorist, I don't hate him or her, I may just dislike that terrorist and not want to be around that terrorist. I don't jump the band wagon with stereotypes, I love everyone for who they are, but I will not associate with you if i feel any discomfort around you. If your white; great, if your black; great, if you are Asian; great, if your Latino; great, if your polka-dotted; fucking great, but just don't give me strange vibes that I am uncomfortable around you, that's all.

I don't care at all what people think, even if I paid to, I live my life and I have been through alot in my life but I don't regret anything in my life because everything that has happened in it was all beneficial to me some way, no matter how bad it may seemed. So I count my blessings and I just make goals and try to achieve them every day; that's all i can do.

I was still on SSI and Lynda had it direct deposited into her bank account and we barely got along, so I would just stay out of the house as much as possible, just working and hanging out at Drew's and Phils. I told Lynda that I would move out if she agreed to to give me my full SSI check every month on the first of the month, we argued and argued for a long time until she finally agreed to give me it and I paid Drew's mom to let me stay there and help out with the food and bills. Dawn used it on alcohol and drugs though, but I really didn't care what she used it for as long as I got to stay there. There was barely any food there but luckily I got free Chinese food at Manchu Wok and i was working more and more over at Manchu Wok but I would cover breaks at Flamers when ever they needed it, i would work in the back doing dishes, making the rice and cleaning up, mixing the General Tso's Chicken in the corn starch and he tried to teach me how to make the fried rice and the low mien noodles but i didn't really want to do that.

I eventually moved up to the front and ran register and served the food for the customers but I just had a hard time because I would spend time talking to cute girls and making friends with the customers and not focusing as much on my job but I just got warned several times about it, rather than just firing me. A days later I went to the mall and I seen this girl standing in this statue of liberty suit next to this income tax place called Liberty Tax. She seemed nice so i walked up to her and I said "wow, i bet your having fun, I wish i got paid to stand there and look pretty" and she said "yeah its a fun job" than I walked away. I went back about five minutes later and asked her how long she was working there and where she was from and other stuff. She asked me for my phone number and I lied to her and said that my phone broke that I am getting a new one but you can call my house phone.

She saved it as a contact than she gave me her number than I just went up to work and was working. I had low self esteem and figured that chick didn't like me, I didnt even know her name. That night I gave her a call and I said hey, she asked me who I was and i said "Ryan, that dude from the mall" and she said "heyyyy" and i said "whats your name by the way" she responded "...Amber" and i said, well its nice to meet you Amber and asked her when she was working next, she said tomorrow and i said oh that's cool. We talked for a few hours about our interests and stuff, and she really didn't have that much in common with me though.

This girl who worked at flamers had a huge crush on me and I thought she was kind of cute, but she was really skinny, her name was Valerie and she was from West Mifflin, she is like a year younger than me. Amber and I met up that day and she asked me if i wanted to meet her dad, I said "sure?" than she replied "really? are you serious" and i said "yeah? why not, I like meeting people" and she said "no one has ever wanted to meet my dad before, or was so calm about it". I don't really know what gave me the courage to, I am very ugly to the point where I hide my face by wearing my hood up, and my hair was very messy and curly and I just hated the way I look and wish I was attractive but for some odd reason I followed her back to Liberty Tax and that's where I met her dad, Ray Staab.

I could tell Ray was a nice man from the moment I met him, he was very respectful and actually showed an interest in me and I appreciated that. He asked me about Phase 4 because Amber quit school because her school district, Carrick is a horrible school district, even my cousin Steve even stopped going there, although he moved down to Mount Oliver and graduated and went to CCAC South. I told him it was an alternative school for people who couldn't make it, or didn't want to go to there home school. Ray and I spoke for a while than I eventually started hanging out and going to Amber's house. I met her very nice mom Elizabeth, her brother Branden, her cool cousin Caitlin and her two dogs; Jasmine and Ozzie. She lived in a beautiful home with a nice computer, a big screen TV, Branden had an X Box 360 and a huge back yard.

Ray owns his own business called Staab and Sons. Heating & Air Conditioning, Elizabeth worked as a secretary, Amber was at Liberty Tax and was working at giant eagle in Brentwood, and Branden was just going to school. Amber and I started dating shortly after and I started going to Phase 4 to finish up school. Drew & Barb,and I got into an argument over his brothers, they thought I was trying to replace Drew as there big brother or some nonsense like that. That was not my intention, my intention was to be there friend because unlike Drew, i hung out with them a lot and not just hung out with my girlfriend and have sex all the time, and talk on the phone for hours upon hours till either her, or i fell asleep on the phone.

They also got upset with me because I "worked to much" and "had no time to spend with anyone", well excuse me for wanting to work for a living and have money and progress in my life and get my priorities straight. So i eventually moved out and lived with Amber and her family which to this day i seriously appreciate them letting me to. I stayed in Amber's room and after about two weeks of going out, she lost her virginity to me and told me that at least she lost it to someone worth it. Drew and i talked about the whole situation and we were basically friends again, Spencer and Drew were fine but Spencer and I barely hung out. Adam was neutral with the whole thing although him and Barb still had there drama about friendships and who spent time with who more. I was just going to school, working, and spending alot of time with Amber.

Amber isn't really that pretty but I liked her for her, she isn't skinny but she wasn't obese. Amber used alot of slang though and I could barely stand that but I just really liked her and loved her family and what they did for me. Ray was like my hero because he is a successful business owner and a great father/husband and in all of that, he never stopped smiling one bit; he was always happy no matter what. Amber gave me a lot of confidence in myself and showed me a different side to the way I looked and I eventually got a hair cut and cleaned myself up a bit, I started wearing band T shirts because i love music and just showing the world good bands, not really as an advertisement, but just the representation of good music. I started to gain a little bit of weight because of the free Manchu Wok and i started caring a little more about my life.

Amber and I started arguing about stupid stuff as well, I always acused her of cheating because of past experiences and always talked bad about myself and I was still in my depressive state and thought the world was out to get me and that fate was real and that all of this good stuff is just to get my hopes high and than my whole world starts burning up and crashing down all my good feelings. I didn't trust her and people were saying stuff about how she was cheating on me and they seen her with another guy and stuff and I didn't really believe them, but I did question some stuff. She drank alcohol and went to parties and that made me seriously nervous and paranoid about everything. I would over analyze so much because my mind would get a thought and It would just keep on building more and more thoughts till I just started crying and questioning things to her. It was like a huge cycle, and the sad thing was; she was faithful the whole time.

Phase 4 was seriously the worst school I had been to, I barely ever went there because I would rather just work and make money and have fun than do it because of how boring it was. My senior project was me having to write a stupid Auto-Biography that had to be two whole pages, people were complaining about how long that was, so i just opened up Microsoft word and wrote forty pages of my life. I just named it "Ryan's Auto-Biography" and i started it by saying "On July 27th 1990 my mom Margaret Emmel gave birth to me" than just explained everything about my life up to where I just wanted to be with amber and how much i loved her and how much i appreciated what her family has done for me and thanking her for letting me live with her and that we were gonna get married and start a family. After writing it, i printed it out and gave it to Mrs. Cathy, the boss of the school and she said I am a good writer and how my life is so sad.

I don't think she read it because all she said was my life was sad, and didn't give me any details, what a load of bull shit. She said okay you pass high school and don't worry about the rest of the work, I think she felt really sorry for me but I didn't question it. I was done with high school and I was ready to enjoy my summer and than go to ITT Technical Institute for computer programming, because I always had a passion for computers. Ray owned a cabin up in Pymatuming, PA so during the summer every weekend Amber's family and I went up there and stayed there. It is so beautiful and peaceful up there, we drank alcohol, built camp fires and went fishing on his boat in this big lake under the causeway bridge which separates Ohio from Pennsylvania. It was so nice up there it sort of reminded me of butler county, there was this ice cream place called Yorkie's and it was had some real good ice cream. We went over to Ohio and went to this grocery store and than we went to this pizza place called Pizza Joe's, and i got this very good buffalo chicken pizza.

On the week days i would continue to work and play X Box and i eventually bought my own just so Branden and I could play each other at Call of Duty 4 and so i could play other games, although my whole life I sold everything i basically ever bought because I lose interest in things. I quit working for Alice and Jesse once again because I was tired of all of the comments I was hearing about Amber, I mean when ever Valerie seen Amber she instantly hated her, okay yeah me and Valerie could of had sex and messed around in her car the couple times she drove me home and i probably would of enjoyed it, but I was loyal to Amber. So I was living with Amber with no job and no source of income because I was taken off of SSI and i refused to go back on to it. I made a change and i had faith in myself, and something amazing happened. I went into burger king and got hired instantly so i had a job.

Drew eventually moved out of his moms and Adam moved out of his grandmas and they rented a place right on eighteenth street near west street in Munhall and they just split the rent. Barb eventually moved in and i came around and visited here and there. Spencer and I would go over there and he would bring his X Box 360 and so would I and we all would play. Adam would throw parties there and he would smoke weed and drink alcohol, but I never really was the party type, I just liked meeting girls and people.

After working one day, I went to a party at Adams and there was this girl named Pam, she was a lesbian or bi-sexual, i couldn't really tell, nor did I care really. Her and her girlfriend Jess was over there, they were all drinking and I had a few sips of some Bacardi or something than I was in Adams room with him and Pam. Pam was talking to me and saying nice things and she knew I had a girlfriend but I didn't care. I was making out with Pam and I wanted to have sex with her really bad so I was like "Pam, you wanna fuck?" and she said "don't you have a girlfriend?" and i said, "yeah but so what" so we were still making out and than i started fingering her and Adam was in the room.