the wondering game

just a poem i wrote a long time ago after going through so much in my life. and then over coming the problems that came my way.



sitting here alone, playing the wondering game.  i wonder where where i'll be in 10, 20, 30, years.  i wonder if my life will change for the better or for the worst. wonder if i will regret the many ways of my well being.



the day has begun but, yet i have no plans. no schedule  or days of event; no hellos or goodbyes. my mind starts to wonder into a place unknown; beyond mankind. beyond the blue skies and white clouds ahead. i wonder if god can hear me speaking of defeat. of giving up hope and letting go of my happiness; my well-being. i wonder if he hears my tears that fall from my eyes, down my cheek, hitting my pillow. i wonder does he hear my prayers for explanation, for an understanding of life.

                                          dear lord,

                                                      hear my cry, hear my prayer unto you. forgive me of my sins and make me a clean heart. save me from myself, from the destruction i've done to myself. save me from this wondering game, from the depression that wraps around me giving me an sadden mood. give me an understanding , and validation on life. oh lord please amen.



walking pass the mirror but not seeing my reflection staring back at me. it's as if i don't exist, as if i were never born. as if my place in life was never picked and my seed was never placed and watered. and my mom didn't wonder what it would be like to have a child. i can't stand it anymore, it's breaking me down. i can't win  this game, this game of tug and war. tugging at my head, trying to figure out the war inside me. release me, free me from this deadly game. dare i dream of me being free, release into the world with confident. dare i hope for a better furture. dare i tear down the walls of defeat and destruction, into the arms of life. i'm free, i'm free, i won. dare i say this game wasn't so bad after all.