Seeing the Light

Sometimes I wonder how I could have been so clueless. Looking back on it now the signs were all there, I was just too blind to notice them. Maybe I had noticed them but just didn’t want to act. I have to admit I feel pretty stupid now…

I sat for days wondering how someone could be so heartless, how they can go entirely against your opinions of them and show complete disregard your feelings. No one likes to admit they’re wrong. Every excuse in the book is used; they seem rational at the time but deep down you know none of them are true.

There comes a point when you just can’t excuse their behaviour. They have hurt you so badly and you have no idea why. As humans we tend to blame others for things, rather than blame ourselves, in situations like these all you can do is put the blame on yourself. There is no rationality to it. You have no idea if you are at fault yet you blame yourself regardless. I’m guilty of that. I’ll stand up and hold my hands up high, I blamed myself, I did nothing wrong yet I blamed myself.

I carried the burden for a few days until I was asked the simple question, “What exactly have you done to deserve this then?” to which I could only answer “I have no fucking idea”. That’s when it truly dawned upon me; I had not done a thing wrong.

That realisation turned things around. I felt like I was seeing things with a new pair of eyes. Everything I had missed in the past, the flaws, the insecurities, the lies, everything became so clear. I was taken for a complete fool. It’s not nice to realise it but I was. It hurts to know that the majority of things you were told were lies, that everything that was said had no meaning, no substance. All the promises and plans that were made are now as worthless as a franc in France. It’s only natural to question why?

It seems unlikely that my question is ever going to be answered. Obviously they are lacking in balls or are too ashamed… I’m not a betting girl but I’ll put my money on the first option. It is not a comforting thought to know that someone you once thought so highly of could stoop so low in your expectations. When you were willing to give them every little piece of you and they just throw it back in your face… It hurts.

I want to stop hurting. There was a time when I thought she could make it better but she doesn’t want to anymore. I have to help myself up. I pop on another band aid in hope that this one won’t scar.