wedding rituals

"I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." Thats what the note read. After five amazing years together he ended just as quickly as he started it. Really...a break up letter...on the back of a chinese menu? Was this even politically correct? This was all I deserved after everything we had been through together. And just like that it was over... I taped it to my rear view mirror just for a reminder everyday. A reminder that he didnt love me anymore and i wasnt aloud to feel loved by anyone or feel complete or happy. He was supposed to be the one. We had planned on getting married, had talked about a fall wedding. It was to be a beautiful outdoor wedding with burgendy or chamgene colors. He dumped me in the fall, my favorite season. It was complete bullshit. The irony of this is two of my dearest friends were both engaged the summer before all of this had taken place. I was the maid of honor in one of the weddings. By one of the weddings, i mean that i was the maid of honor for a girl i didnt even like anymore. Hated her actually. She was one of those people that just had to make sure she was always right, had the best of everything, and if you didnt have the best she made sure to make you feel like the biggest piece of shit. Mandy had requested me to go wedding dress shopping with her. We went dress shopping one week after the post-it ordeal took place. Mandy, Brittany, and myself had all meet up and went together to help her pick out a dress. I was in a bridal store one week after my life as i knew it had ended. Sick, terrible irony...I hate my life..
As we walked up to the bridal store, the window display made me want to hurl. It was clique`. A huge white wedding dress with so much glitter on it that it looked like tinkerbell threw up all over it and rose petals everywhere. "I love the dress in the window!" she exclaimed. Of course you would i thought to myself. Mandy had exceptionally bad style so it was no surprise that she would like something so ugly and tacky. We walked into the store and the two of them took off like they were running a marathon. One of them engaged, the other no where near getting married. Ewwing and ahhing over everything together. I felt nausease...this was supposed to be me. I was to be the happy couple. Together forever and always he would always whisper in my ear.... The more i thought about it the tighter my chest got, and the tighter my chest got, i started to see black spots...
I woke up with my face pressed against the ugly pink shagg carpeting of the bridal store. I watched three or four different pairs of stileto heels moving around me rapidly and then as everything finally started to come into focus i heard a couple of women yelling. "Get her some water and cold towel!" "Someone help her up!" I pushed myself up and the women tried to help me up, only making matters worse. "Here hunny, have a seat. Take drink." said one of the older sales consultants. She sat down next to me even though i didnt want her to. I was humiliated. "Oh dear this happens all the time. Don't worry about it. Women always get cold feet when there shopping for the dress for the first time. Now what kind of dress are you looking for?" Correction, i was not longer humiliated; i was pissed. I looked her straight in the eye and with the most monotone voice that i had ever heard come out of my mouth i said, "I not getting married. He stopped loving me." That moment was the first time since the post-it that i realized i was alone. The sale consultanat apologized profusly. I didnt nothing but walk away.
When i finally found my two friends they had no idea what had happened. I didnt tell them either. Some friends i had. Both of them, key word being both of them were trying on dresses, even though only one of them was engaged. Both of them were frolicking around like ten year old girls, giggling and laughing as they stood up on the show boxes to get better look at the dresses. Of course Mandys dress was hideous. "what do you think of the dress?" she asked. She didn't have any boobs to fill out the dress, and it was about six inches to long. She looked like a little kid playing dress up. "Its gorgeous." i replied. I was lying of course. I mean really if i couldnt have the wedding of my dreams i was sure as hell going to make sure that she at least had an ugly wedding. Brittany had a gorgeous dress on. I fit her personality perfectly. Over the top. The dress itself fit her like a glove, almost like it was made for her. "I think I'm gonna buy it.." she said quietly and then turned to look at my reaction. I didn't give her one to go on. My thoughts however said clinically insane. She wasn't even engaged, not even close. She had only been dating the guy that she was with for eight or nine months and if you asked me he wasnt marriage material. A nice guy but thats as far as it went. Mandy lost her shit. "You can't buy that dress. You're not engaged! We're supposed to be here for me, so that i can get a dress." It always had to be about her. "Buy the dress," i told Brittany, winked at her. Mandy's eyes got huge. "What the hell is wrong with you two?" she said pratically making a scene and bring attention to herself. "Well since we're not going to make this about me, why dont you go ahead and try a dress on too?" mandy said. She meant it to hurt, and it did. Brittany turned and get me a sympathic look of apology. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, that was the last thing i wanted. I looked Mandy straight in the eyes, stood up and walked over to the dress racks. I pushed threw a couple of dresses on the racks and as i reached up to push one out of the way i realized how bad my hands were shaking. I hoped that no one else noticed. I looked through a couple of different one. All of them too tacky and cliched` for my taste. Then i remember it didnt actually matter...it didnt matter at all, he didnt care. I reached for the next dress my hand touched and ripped it off the rack, making a little to much noise and drawing attention to myself. I walked back to the fitting room dragging the dress on the floor behind me. I didnt give a damn, i didnt have to anymore. Everything that i had once cared about had already turned its back on me. As i stomped back to the dressing room Brittany was still oggling herself in the mirror and still remained in the dress. Mandy was now in a different dress, equally as ugly as the last one. I walked into the dressing room and slammed the door behind me.
I closed the the dressing room door behind me, hung the dress up and stood there starring at myself in the mirror. I looked...different. I didn't feel complete. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't feel...anything, and i want to feel...something, anything. I had dark circles under my eyes, that even the best and priciest makeup obviously couldnt cover. My eyes were blood shot from crying for so many days, and my pants were about a size to big because i hadnt been able to eat. I looked like shit but i didnt care. I took the white satin dress out of the clear plastic bag and hung it up again running the material through my hands. It was long and satin, snow white in color, with rueshing in the middle, a sweetheart neck line, with crystal flowers to connect the thick straps. It felt beautiful, sleek and smooth. I didnt feel worthy to put it on. I took in off the hook and held it up next to my body and looked at myself in the mirror. My long dark brown hair with lose curls, porcelien skin and red lipstick made me look like i was in the 1940's. I had to convience myself to put on the dress, to prove a point to my two friends so that they wouldnt feel bad for me.
I stared at myself for a long time in the mirror with the dress on. It looked amazing...but made me feel worse about myself. I needed to get this over with and show the two barbies that were waiting on me. I closed my eyes and opened the door to the fitting room. Brittany was sitting on the floor, still in the dress. "Damn...go look at yourself on the box." Brittany said. I wasnt sure that i wanted to but i did anyways. I walked over to the box like i was walking to a death sentence. It was interesting, i guess. I dont know. I wish he could of saw how good i looked. I thought to myself maybe if he saw the way i looked now, that i could change his mind. That he would want me back but that thought left as quickly as it came, he hadn't left me because of the way that i looked, he left he because he didnt love me anymore and that was what hurt the most. Mandy came out of the other fitting room in yet another dress on. She stopped to looked at me. "What do you think?" Brittany asked her. "It's a real shame that you won't be needing that dress." she said to me with out ever even looking at me. She smirked at me then at Brittany and walked to stand on the box next to me. I didnt need this shit right now. I turn to Brittany "Buy the dress." i told her.
Storming back to the fitting room i started to pull at the dress. I was getting flustred, and hot and angry. Brittany saw my frustration and stood up as quickly as she could with the king size comforter around her waist (the dress she was still wearing). "Get me out of this dress. Unzipp the damn thing." i yelled at her. As she unzipped it the tears began to fall once again. I shouldn't of came here i thought to myself. After she unzipped me she gave me a tight hug and left the dressing room. I changed back into my clothes, hung the dress back up and stormed out of the store. I hadn't stopped crying when i had walked out of the bridal boutique and i had gotten more then one obsence look from clients and consultants has i marched out.