Please burger

Ugh, if there’s one place to see gross stuff, it’s at a fast food restaurant.

Not the food. I think it’s awesome. I love greasy cheeseburgers and French fries covered to the hilt in lovely, sensuous ketchup. I love ketchup. No, I L-O-V-E ketchup. You just don’t understand. If ketchup were a dance, I would have mastered it. If ketchup were a constellation, I’d have memorized every star within it. If ketchup were…well, you get the idea.

Anyway, I get fast food a lot. I’m too impatient to wait at the drive-thru when it’s crowded, so in those kinds of tough times, it helps to have a back-up plan. Going inside!

I go in, order, get my food and realize the 7 year old manning the cash register didn’t give me any damn ketchup. Again! Luckily, I know where the ketchup is, so I won’t let “The Man” keep me down. Or, in this case, the looks so young he could be in grade school. Punk.

I walked over to the island which contains all the condiments when I see a little kid wander over, then, he proceeds to take ALL the ketchup. Which immediately made him my sworn enemy for life. It’s really sad when your nemesis is a 10 year old kid. Really sad.

He runs over to his table and sat down in the company of some woman whom I’d assumed to be his mother. She looks at him briefly, then continues on with her meal. The kid apparently didn’t know how to open ketchup packets, so he starts squeezing the absolute shit out of them. Finally, one bursts and sprays his mother in the face.

God help me, I started laughing right there. It was great. I’d pay to see stuff like that on a regular basis.

I thought she was going to get mad, because she looked it. Very menacing. She looked at the kid and you could tell from her eyes that she was a step away from breathing fire. But, that look soon went away, and, using her finger, wiped some ketchup off her nose, then ate it. (The ketchup, not her nose.)

She kept this up until her face was relatively clean. She then grabbed one of the ketchup packets and started squeezing it.

Now, I thought I knew what was going on. She was going to spray her son in the face, as he had done to her. Funny, right? Oh no, I was way off…

At the last possible moment, she turns her hand and lets the ketchup packet erupt on her face. At this point, I’m sure even the kid was thinking “WTF??”

That’s something. The kid. He wasn’t laughing. He looked scared. Scared that his mother had now found something altogether disgusting to do. It takes a special person to out-gross a kid.

She takes another packet, squeezes it and coats her face. I’m watching in a mixture of horror and shock. 2 more packets and she looks like a murder victim. Meanwhile, I’m starting to get pissed because they’re WASTING KETCHUP!

The woman starts laughing. Not a normal laugh. A sinister sounding one that made my blood curdle. Opening her mouth wide, sticking her tongue out, she laughed like a hysterical mad scientist.

All the while I’m thinking, “Boy, if she used mayonnaise, this would really take a different turn.”