A collection of experiences. |
In second grade, a boy stole a necklace from his older sister and gave it to me. He told me he liked me; I said thank you. He got me a valentine and flowers; and asked me to go out with him. I said yes. But the flowers had a bee in them; and it stung me. I told him we had to break up. My very first relationship lastedabout ten minutes. But in second grade; that was historic. Matt Bagley was my first crush. The first boy I sought out. Then he moved away. I was heartbroken. Six years later; he came back. And we laughed about it. The first sign of my impending womanhood was fifth grade sexual education. Poor Mrs Terry couldn't say penis; and Hillary and I couldn't stop laughing. But afterwards. When I realized the valuable information I had just recieved; I looked at my dear friend Alec in a whole new way. I saw him as a boy for the first time. Then of course there was the first bra. I hated it. It got in the way when I went to climb things. And it reminded me of wearing a wet bathing suit under your clothes in the summer. But after a while, I got used to it. It was only the beginning of the things I'd get used to. Then, middle school. Suddenly it mattered what I looked like. It also mattered when I didn't get my period and all the other girls did. Now, it seems pretty gross that girls were happy about it. Trust me boys; it's nothing to celebrate unless the BC failed. It made me realize things were going to change. I got mine on Thanksgiving. It wasn't all that exciting, actually. I didn't even tell anyone. But I realized that I was in the club. And that made me feel good; to belong. And it did change everything. I've always liked boys; they just made me nervous. All the other girls were getting first kisses; and talking about it constantly. I thought about making up one a story I mean, just so they'd quit asking me. But on Kate's thirteenth birthday, I got mine. And all I can say is that I was unimpressed. Afterwards, I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and told Kate I was going to need some mouthwash. Not much has changed, really. I grew up the day my Aunt brought me a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves. Otherwise known as the Sexpedia. Too many diagrams. I hid it for a few years; then referred to it like it was a pocket dictionary. That's why you should never throw anything away. I've always been weary of boyfriends. I've had a lot of male friends; but we're more like siblings. But there was one boy who had my heart; long before I knew it was mine to give away. Our relationship might have moved slowly; but we were consistent. I felt that fluttery, jittery happiness everytime I saw him. And we could talk about anything. We'd take long drives at night; listen to the radio; look up at the stars and play the Where Are We Going? game. Like, where will I be in ten years? We used to think; well, if we get married, we should start thinking about what to name our kids; it was only fun because it was ironic; we both knew we would never marry; we knew kids weren't in my future anyway; and we never did agree on a single name. But we didn't work out for the reasons we should have; he was growing up to. and realizing he wasn't who he was when we started dating; four years ago. instead; we were going to have to settle as friends; something I'm still not completely content with. But hey; you can't have it all. But the one thing that is mine is the times we shared; the truth was tough; but I wouldn't change a day; neither would he. you never forget your first love. |