The Apology

Cause I’m that close,” I said. “To what?” I asked. I was talking to myself when you found me. “You’re that close to what?”
“To the end of reality,” I turned and answered as if you’d asked me. “You can come. It’s not too far. But you’ve got to want it.”

“You need to relax ,” you said in a slow gentle voice. The words hit my brain like a fire engine. Relax. Relax. Relax. It bounced in my head until it shattered into syllables and sirens. I clenched my fist and pulled my abs in tight. Making thoughts into words was harder than I’d remembered.

“No, I can’t. I can’t do anything anymore. I can’t even read a goddamn book for Christ sake.” You titled your head slightly and pursed your lips like you had just taken a sip of spoiled milk. My leg shook nervously, like it had for the last three days. “A goddamn book mom!” I yelled.

There was no delay left in my mind. My thoughts splayed out across the kitchen like bullets. You were caught in friendly fire. “Don’t you ever feel weird about being alive? I mean we are fucking alive, this is it. And this moment is gone, it’s just something I’m going to think about later. That’s how the years go. It’s like it’s not even real. And people don’t even care.” I exhaled letting all of the air out of my lungs then slumped onto the kitchen counter. “Mom, mom,” I had to stop and to pull your name from my mind so I could finish, “Mom…You care too right?” I shut my eyes and tried to go numb. But I want you to know, I could still feel the warmth of your hand when you took it in mine. And I could still hear your voice when you said, “You’ll get through this.”