The house that panic built

chapter one




I don't know what started it. I don't know what made it happen all I know is that it happened. I swept into my life and took me out with it. It destroyed me to my core. Broke me as a person and caused me more hurt than I ever expected.
When most people think of anxiety they think of that stomach churning feeling that they get right before they have to take a hard exam at school.
Anxiety to me was a monster...the devil actually is a more appropriate name for it. this devil took me under it;s wing and took for for the worst ride of my life. Those 8 years I'll never get back.
Everyday tasks became a struggle and a nightmare. I couldn't walk into a grocery store without the feeling of death creeping up on me. The saddest thing was that I did nothing about any of it but take pills. I thought these pills were going to cure my life. Make me a better person. All they did was cover up the true pain. The real hurt that lay dormant inside of me festering.
I was a pitiful 14 year old I hid myself behind black clothes hoping no one would notice me. I sliced my arms open to let myself try and feel something...anything at all. People just laughed at my fears told me I was stupid. But to me they were very real. So real I couldn't get them out of my head. I remember laying in bed one night so terrified I thought I was hallucinating. I thought the walls were closing in on me.I hardly slept at night anymore.
The person I saw in the mirror was a complete stranger. My eyes, nose and lips all were the same nothing had really physically changed but you couldn't tell me that. I was a stranger in my own body. I walked through life in a druggie fog. Nothing matter, no one seemed to care so why should I? That was my philosophy, as terrible as it really was. I didn't care. I was scared to death to die and scared to death to live. But the real terror was just about to begin....