CYOA: You are SBAllen

ACT 1

You wake up on a warm summer morning and approach your computer. You call Ceej on the phone and he picks up. You call Ceej and when he picks up you hear the sounds of a wild party and attractive women. "Y halo thar!" you say. Ceej yells over the noise of the party. "Who is this? And why are you speaking in Internet?" You answer with "This is Patrick." Ceej plays along. "Is this the Krusty Krab?" "No, this is PATRICK!" you yell into the phone. You hear a seductive sounding woman say "Jeff, come back to the hot tub!" Ceej talks quickly. "Come on, who are you and what do you want?" You decide to be serious. "This is SBAllen. What's up?" Ceej sounds exasperated. "Did you call me just to say what's up?" he asks. You hear the seductive voice again. "Jeff, we're so hot over here, we're gonna take off our bathing suits, is that okay with you?" You get excited. You ask "Can I come too?" Ceej responds "No way man, this is my private party!" You make a sticky on CE. "ATTN CEmen," it reads, "I need about 10-15 CEmen in the area to help me invade CJayC's residence and crash a party. Hot women will be involved." One user says "b7 invasion." Enraged at this person's stupidity, you ban his ass. A few minutes later, 10 CEmen arrive at your house. After they're done groveling at your feet (a few want to take it a bit further), you prepare the invasion. Everyone gathers outside Ceej's mansion, where flashing lights and loud music can be seen and heard. Everyone hides outside the gate leading to the backyard. You prepare to send in the first wave of three CEmen. They rush through the gate and are immediately stiffarmed by Ceej-someone tipped him off!

Annoyed at the failure of the CEmen, you attack Ceej yourself. You whip out your homemade lightsaber and are shocked to see Ceej has his own. You begin dueling as someone turns on epic Star Wars music. Some of the girls begin cheering for Ceej and not you. You access CE and tell the girls a few Holder stories. Eventually they're so scared that they are left speechless. You turn around in time to be hit across the face by Ceej's saber hilt and fall to the ground. You kick him away. You ask "How did you know we were coming?" He responds "My pizza delivery boy is a CEman. He always delivers...or at least he did, before you took over! But you'll never know who he is!" Luckily, you know exactly who it is. You kick Ceej into his pool, where you notice he doesn't know how to swim. As his girls attempt to pull him out, you race to a laptop on the table in the mansion kitchen and access CE. You ban Butters and suddenly hear a small tapping noise. You spin around and see a hand grenade enter the kitchen, thrown by one of Ceej's bodyguards. You throw the grenade into the bathroom and hear a resounding BOOM. Poop and blood was everywhere. It turns out one of the party guests was in there taking a dump. Oh well. You hear two bodyguards breaking through the house searching for you. You prepare to ambush them. You notice a turkey on the kitchen table and hide behind a wall. As one of the bodyguards walks by, you slam the turkey into his head at full force, knocking him unconscious. The other bodyguard comes running, and you clock him too. You start running outside when you see a shocking site. Ceej has three of the CEmen you brought at gunpoint. The other seven are nowhere to be found. "I'm giving you a choice Allen!" Ceej yells. "You can save one of them!" At this point you realise that you don't know who these three CEmen are.

You decide to try and save all three CEmen. You distract Ceej by asking what he's done since leaving GameFAQs. As he explains, and takes a few cheap shots at your "nerdiness," you casually glance around for something to attack with. You see a banner that reads "Happy Birthday Jeff" stretched from the side of the house to the top of the fence. "So who will it be?" Ceej asks. Summoning your best action hero voice, you dramatically declare "All of them!" You suddenly grab the banner and rip it away from the house, swinging like Indiana Jones across the room and kicking Ceej out of the way. As he lays motionless, you free the three hostages: Houle, SArmstrong, and Knee High. The four of you start running when the two bodyguards return. "We've got to find the others," you yell to Houle, SArmstrong, and Knee High. "We got stiffarmed at the beginning," Houle says, "but I heard Ceej's bodyguards dragging something around as we lay there. I heard Ceej say "put them in the poolhouse."" The four of you approach the poolhouse and hear muffled screams-as well as something ticking. You go ahead and open the door anyway. Luckily nothing happens. You untie the other seven CEmen inside and prepare to escape. You run into the mansion and look for the exit. You decide to loot some consoles. You and the CEmen grab his Wii, 360, PS3, DS, PSP, 46" flat screen TV, Blu Ray player, and about 30 DVDs. On your way out, the bodyguards appear again and block the way. Your hands full of appliances leaves you helpless. Suddenly a man leaps out of nowhere and shoots both bodyguards. He turns to you and declares "It is I, Cyric!" Everyone huggles Cyric and then prepares to leave. Suddenly Ceej appears and knocks two CEmen down and ties them up, then runs off. You tell the other CEmen to find Ceej, then run over with Cyric and untie the two CEmen who were tied up. They're both injured, so you carry the CEmen over your shoulders. Suddenly, you hear another ticking sound, and look down to see a bomb strapped to the CEman's chest. You rapidly start untying the bomb, then throw it far away. You sit the CEman down near the getaway vehicle just as the rest of the group arrives. "Ceej is gone," Knee High says. Suddenly you remember Cyric still in the house with the other wounded CEman. Cyric starts to leave the house with the wounded CEman in tow. "Here I come guys!" he yells. "Start the car, we're getting out of---"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You desperately start to approach the wreckage of the mansion, but the metal and materials are burning hot and flames are everywhere. You see one of the bodyguards, burned to a crisp. You start sobbing when you realise there's no way Cyric could have survived. You hear police sirens in the distance and quickly hop into the van with the nine survivors of the raid.

ACT 2

It's been a week since the party and you're still reeling from the death of Cyric. His funeral is being held today. You give the eulogy at the funeral. You decide to merge CE and RI out of rage. Watching the CEmen and RIers go crazy makes you a bit happier. Suddenly someone calls you. A deep, scratchy voice says "I know who made the bombs for Ceej." Your heart racing, he tells you to meet him at CNET headquarters. By the time you reach CNET headquarters, it's around midnight. You brought the same nine veteran CEmen from the Ceej raid. They hide in bushes as you approach the darkened building. A man with a large hat, cowl, and trenchcoat brings you into the building and into a storage room with no security cameras. He removes the disguise. "I am Devon Morgan," he says, "and the person who supplied Ceej with the bombs is a longtime enemy of GameFAQs." "Who?" you ask. "It was--" Devon falls to the ground with a bullet in his back. You jump back to see a powerful looking man with an entourage approach you. All are armed. "Hello, Allen!" the man declares. "I am Kingpin!" Your fellow CEmen lunge from the bushes and tackle Kingpin's men. Although he outnumbers you, his men are weaker. You rush him and he pulls a pistol, but you tackle him to the ground before he can fire. You grab his head and smash it through a window, but he kicks you away and scurries for the gun. You lunge and pin him to the floor, then kick him repeatedly until he grabs your leg and throws you aside. He kicks you in the face as you approach, but you land near the gun and grab it. All of his men have been incapacitated and you are now holding Kingy at gunpoint. You pistol whip him, roundhouse kick him, then sock him to the floor, where you proceed to beat him within an inch of his life. Afterwords, you lean down to his level and stare at him. "Why are you working with Ceej? What is his plan?" Kingy just laughs, so you strike him again. "You silly boy," he says "You think I was ever Ceej's enemy? No. I've always helped him." You lash out again in rage that he would taunt you. "You're motivated by Cyric's death, but if only you knew the atrocities Ceej has done in the past..." "TELL ME!" you scream, but he only laughs. Finally, you give in and pull out the gun. "You're a pathetic fool!" Kingy laughs. "You will never stop Ceejus! NEVER! NEV--" BANG! You stare at his body before furiously unloading the rest of the clip into him.

You decide to blow up the CNET headquarters. You tie up Kingy's henchmen, then set the bombs. You and your fellow CEmen walk out as the building explodes dramatically behind you. Suddenly you hear a helicopter approaching. You and the CEmen wait near the wreckage as the helicopter lands. A man in shades and a suit exits with a few others. "Hello," the man says, "I am a representative for CNET. Can you tell me what happened to this building?" "YOOOOOOOOU blew it up!" you say. "Uh, what?" he asks. "Sorry, I mean, Soulja Boy blew it up." "Really, am I supposed to believe that? Who are you, anyway?" You glare at him. "I'm Allen Tyner, *****!" "Oh, well in that case, I'll call the police and get him arrested right away. By the way, do you want a lift back to your place in our chopper?"

"WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO GET IN YOUR HELICOPTER PEDO?" you scream. He looks at you oddly for a moment, then says "Because you live far away and I wanted to be courteous?" "Oh, in that case, let's go!" you say. You and your fellow CEmen pack into the chopper and you fall asleep. When you wake up, it's 3AM and the chopper is still flying. "Hey you," you say to the CEman in the seat next to you, "Why is it taking so long to get home?" Suddenly, you realise the guy next to you is dead, and there's something carved into his chest, a phrase: ~EndlessDoom. You have about two seconds to contemplate this message before someone hits you in the head and you black out.

ACT 3

You wake up in a cold, pitch black room. You feel around and find another person. "NO!" the man screams. "What? It's me, SBAllen!" "Oh, thank god!" the man says. "I thought I was the only one left. I'm Minx. Every hour they've come down here, taken a CEman, and carved "~EndlessDoom" into their bodies. Me and you are the only ones left!" Suddenly you hear the door open. You and Minx hide behind a large crate that you can barely see in the darkness. You grab a rusty pipe as two men walk down the stairs and turn on the lights. "Where are they?" says one. "We captured ten guys and killed eight. The others must be hiding." As they approach, you lunge out and whack them with the pipe, killing both. Suddenly the shades-and-suit man returns. "Very impressive Allen," he says, "almost as impressive as my hundreds of suicides..." "Endless Doom!" you yell, enraged. He smiles, then pulls a gun and shoots Minx in the chest. He approaches you and tackles you to the floor. Suddenly Minx leaps up, somehow unharmed. "I wore a bulletproof vest to the CNET headquarters in case of a confrontation," he says after knocking Endless Doom unconscious.

You wake him up, then proceed to smack him in the face. He reels backwards and his face meets your foot. As he wipes the blood from his nose, you smack his head into the floor until he starts yelling. "Stop! Stop! What do you want?" You look at him. "Are you working with Ceej?" "Yes, yes I am" he says, trying to stay calm. "Why are you working with him?" you ask. He looks at you and thinks for a moment. "It all started with Kingpin," he said. "He was hired by Ceej to put life in the boards through fear. He would suicide users and then get banned by Ceej. This cycle repeated itself for years. Soon others like myself joined in. The CNET acquisition was done in order to expand Ceej's power. He got richer and richer and began to plan to mass suicide many users on GameFAQs. But suddenly, he retired. I don't know why. But he's been recruiting us again, for something. "What is he recruiting you for?" you ask. "A horrible plot...we're going to suicide so many members of GameFAQs..." "How?" you ask. "It's very simple," he says, "But it involves accessing a database...that's where he's going." "What database? Where is it?" you ask him. "It's at--" BOOM! The sound of a shotgun silences him. You have about a split second to comprehend the shotgun cocking, then lunge away as the next shell digs into the ground where you were sitting. You and Minx hide behind the wall as someone approaches.

As the man approaches, you once again lunge out with the rusty pipe-except this time the man grabs it, bends it with ease, then smacks you away with the shotgun. He aims it at your face as Minx lunges and knocks him over. He knocks him away, then scurries for the shotgun. "Who are you?" you ask, kicking the shotgun away from him. "I am the legendary Amir!" he declares, kicking you in the leg and grabbing the shotgun. Minx starts strangling him from behind, making him drop the weapon. Suddenly Amir's phone rings. "Pick it up," you say, pointing the gun at him. "Hello?" he answers. You can hear the unmistakable voice of Ceej on the other end. "The time is now. Get to the GameFOX database." You look at him in confusion. GameFOX? Amir hangs up. "Why does he need to go to the GameFOX database?" you ask. "Because...he's going to ban anyone who uses GameFOX. The GameFAQs admin is not allowed in the GameFOX database for security reasons, that's why Ceej retired. Now he's going there. Please don't kill me." You toss him aside. "We'll follow him to the database," you say.

ACT 4

After Amir gets in his car and drives off, four large vans arrive, driven by CEmen. "We're here to escort you to the GameFOX database," the one driving the most armored van says. You hop in. As you drive along the roads through the city, you notice a car following you. You decide to take no chances and tell the CEman in the backseat with you to fire an RPG at the suspicious car. It explodes...and behind it, you see another car with several armed men. They tricked you into destroying an innocent car! The men in the car start firing, and the CEmen in the convoy fire back as you drive through the crowded city streets. You turn to the RPG-toting CEman. "BURN. DOWN. EVERYTHING" you say. He starts firing the RPG everywhere, trying to hit the car. Police cars and a helicopter join the chase. One of the men in the other car uses his own RPG to shoot down the chopper. The convoy vehicle in front explodes and flips over the median. You look at the driver of your vehicle, none other than Zhuge Liang. "Tell them to go faster! Run over everything in your way!" you tell him. Zhuge tells the car in front of you and the one behind you to pick up the pace. Finally you leave the city and see a large building overlooking a cliff. "GAMEFOX DATABASE, AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY" reads the sign in front of the structure.

You ignore the other vehicle and rush the base with your fellow CEmen. Zhuge Liang and Math Murderer are among the forces assembled. You hear the enemies entering the Database. You guys hold them off," you say to the group of CEmen. Then you, Zhuge, and Math Murderer go looking for Ceej. You find a large room overlooking the cliff. A generator is on a platform hanging off the side of the cliff face, hundreds of feet deep. You see Ceej down at the platform, messing with some controls. You sneak up on Ceej, but he suddenly spins around and decks you. Zhuge and Math Murderer leap down and attack, but Amir leaps from the shadows and tackles them. Zhuge kicks Amir in the crotch, then punches him to the edge of the platform. Amir kicks Zhuge away and punches Math Murderer. Ceej looks at the device. "This is it Allen!" he says. "The culmination of years of work! I was not allowed access to this building when I was admin, but now that I'm retired, I can walk right in! GameFOX users, get ready to be banned!"

You decide to let Ceej play with his little toy, and run over to help the mods fight off Amir. You hear a countdown: "Shutdown in 60...59...58..." "Dammit!" yells Ceej, "I didn't know there was a countdown! Otherwise I wouldn't have aimlessly monologued!" Meanwhile, you help Math Murderer to his feet as Zhuge grapples with Amir. You run over and get knocked to the ground by Amir. Suddenly you notice a combat knife in a sheath on his boot. "I suppose you should have killed me when you had the chance!" he taunts as he pushes you off the edge. "Yeah, well I don't make the same mistake twice!" you yell dramatically as you pull the knife from the sheath and stab him in the chest. He yells out and releases you, letting you kick him away from you. He staggers off the side of the platform to his death. You get a radio transmission: "SBAllen, this is Malfion, we've got this place surrounded with air support CEmen. I've picked up the rest of your group. All you've got to do now is take out Ceej." "We have to destroy that thing!" you yell to Math Murderer and Zhuge Liang. The three of you run to the device. Math Murderer tackles Ceej. "...29...28...27..." the countdown says. You start fiddling with the wires that connect the device to a terminal. You hear a scream-Ceej has pulled a knife from nowhere and stabbed Math Murderer. You start sweating with fear but ignore his death and focus on the device. "...19...18...17..." the countdown continues. There are three wires: red, green, and blue. You decide to take a risk and cut every wire. To your surprise, this isn't a cliche movie, and no particular wire sets off the device. Instead, you hear it powering down. You take a sigh of relief right before Ceej hits you over the head with the hilt of the knife. You kick him in the hand, making him drop the knife. You punch Ceej in the face, then kick him aside. He grabs you and punches you in the gut, but you manage to break his nose with a well timed counter. As he staggers back, you glance at Zhuge, who seems to be signalling Malfion. Ceej tries to punch you but you kick him in the chest, then try to flip him over your head, but he grabs your arms and puts you in a headlock. You kick him in the knee to release yourself. You go for the knife, but Ceej steps on your hand and grabs the knife himself. You kick him in the chest and he drops the knife again. It slides to the edge of the platform. You ignore the knife and swing your fist at Ceej. He catches it in midair and twists your arm. He tries to shove you off the side but you kick him in the gut and push him away. You see Malfion approaching with a large helicopter, and several other CEmen-piloted helicopters. You lunge for the knife at the edge of the platform, but feel Ceej throw himself against you. You fall onto your back, half-hanging over the edge. You see the knife fall off into the endless abyss. Ceej pins you down and starts strangling you. "You will no longer be a threat to me!" he yells as you start losing consciousness. "Do you have any last words, Allen?" he screams over the roar of the helicopter rotors. "Yeah," you say as dramatically as you can, "Gain some weight!" Ceej looks at you in confusion right before you effortlessly pick him up and hurl him over the side of the platform. You turn to see Ceej fall screaming into the abyss and breathe a sigh of relief.

ACT 5

You slowly pick yourself up and see Zhuge waving to Malfion to land. You make sure the device is thoroughly broken before turning to look at the canyon. Suddenly you hear a gunshot ring out. You spin around to see Zhuge fall to the ground with a shadowy figure behind him. You scream dramatically as the shadowy figure steps from the shadows. "Hello, Allen" the figure says. The figure is missing his arms and legs and has cyborg replacements instead. As the figure gets closer you stare in shock. "Cyric! You're alive!" you exclaim as you run forward for a huggle. Suddenly cyborg-Cyric grabs your arms and shoves you to the floor. You hear something break and wince in pain. "You left me to die," he growls. "You never warned me about the bombs! You wanted me to die because you were angry I was more popular than you!" You look at him in fear as he points the gun at your head. "You weren't as popular as me anyway!" you declare. Cyric grabs you by the throat. "Fool! I should just kill you!" "What do you want?" you ask desperately. "I can make you an admin..." You hear the sounds of Malfion's choppers approaching. Cyric throws you to the platform and approaches, his heavy cyborg body straining the platform. "I can't even type with these metal fingers. I have nothing left! And now I will make you pay!" You run straight past him but he stiffarms you and you collapse to the floor. Malfion's choppers start landing and the wind nearly drowns out Cyric's voice. "This is the end for both of us!" Cyric yells. He pulls the gun out and prepares to shoot you. "You will regret betraying me!" "I didn't betray you!" you shout, "I tried to warn you but it was too late!" Cyric's face screws up. "Liar! You will die!" You start sobbing, unable to restrain yourself. You see a bit of humanity in Cyric's face, but he returns to pointing the gun at you. Suddenly, something inside of you tells you that now is the time to move. Right as Cyric pulls the trigger, you lunge away, off the platform, to the main structure. Your movement combined with Cyric's heavy weight causes the platform to break away from the rest of the structure. You turn to see Cyric, with a calm expression, fall into the void. Malfion's choppers land behind you, and you sadly get on board.

EPILOGUE

You return to your house, still shocked at Cyric's return and death. The GameFOX users have been saved and GameFAQs is no longer in danger of destruction by CJayC. The surviving mods make a memorial forum for those who were killed. Malfion and Minx become mods for their help in defeating the forces of evil. CNET is reformed as a less corrupt organisation and GameFAQs prospers under your new role as head of CNET. The world of GameFAQs is a better place, and everyone will live happily ever after.

THE END