Shell of a Man

oldest daughter’s thoughts:

difficult to speak,
choke on words,
cannot look at you,
tears come again.

forgotten anger—
only coursed unnoticed—
rages like an inferno.

tears stream,
thought I’d cried them all,
tears help none,
release is incomplete,
does not heal.

scared for you,
not the same man,
you’ve given up,
you’ve lost it all.
destroyed yourself.

nothing left,
just the shell of a man,
fading fast,
scared you won’t last.

i pity you
you are him no longer
that inner strength
is vanishing

do you remember
a fair day in the park
toy rockets soaring
three little girls cavorting
we were family then

I miss those days
can we go back to that?
is it too late?
even now?

middle daughter’s thoughts:

daddy’s little girl from the start,
daddy’s girl forever more,
but can’t look at you now
want to break down and cry

it's how you live,
how you look,
its heartbreaking
how did it happen?
and why?

where are your dreams?
where are your desires?
i wish you could find them
i know they’re there
still
just buried deep

things don’t work out
you know that best of all
i learned this from you
when they don’t,
we do what we don’t want to
just to live
just to survive

i see you,
you’ve given up
i’ve lost you
I never see you
never talk to you
but your still there

I fear:
i’ll forever lose you soon.
this fear of mine
hurts
don’t you see the pain?
shared by sisters three?
we don’t show it
but inside
we cry rivers

you’re not him
the dad of our youth
and we miss him
want him back

we lost something
joy of childhood
we were mad, angry, upset
we didn’t understand
we still don’t

perhaps you didn’t either
you were angry first
and now
slowly giving up
on life

to watch you fall
it kills me
i wish I could help,
but that’s your job
to be strong
for us

youngest daughter’s thoughts:

daddy’s little princess,
i stand up for you
they talk about you
their anger with you
i don’t understand why
tell them so

don’t see you often enough
no one lets me
they say it's your fault
i don’t believe it
what they say you do
you’d never do around me
i’m your princess

you’re different now
sick and thin
no real home to live in
not the strong man
i grew up with

wish for more calls
to see you more
short trips are not
enough
fleeting hours

the fathers view:

out of the blue
lost a wife,
an inferno of anger
took over me
raged against her,
left her with little.

i spent time
with my girls,
teaching them
to ride quads,
shoot pool.

years went by,
slowly they slip away
poor choices,
and I lose the house.

see them
now and then
is that pity,
is it hate,
what is it
i see
in their eyes?