My Nights/My Dreams

my nights

    The clock strikes three. another night deprived of sleep. i clinch my eyes and hold my breath, hoping to pass out. it doesn't work. fearing death is near i turn on the lights and start to write. from left to right i begin to fill the page. one meaningless thought after the another. its almost four now and no sandman in sight. the music from the stereo seems to be coming from farther and farther away. now there is nothing but me, a pen, and a piece of paper. my imagination begins to explode with possibilities as i begin to write faster and faster. the walls start to melt as i stare off into the mirror looking into my own eyes. my own deception causing me to lose track of what is real or not. whoever said the eyes never lie must have been lying. now i am lying here on my bed dying of boredom at the same time having too much to do and to much on my mind. thoughts become twisted, and tiny snakes come out of the end of my pen wrapping around my arm and cutting off circulation to my hand and fingers. now i have no control over what is written on the paper. more meaningless thoughts i presume, but no. the letters  begin to spell out "help." NO i will not help. i have already lost it all. lost all control. too many words wanting out of my head, but im not able to let them all out. now they begin to push and shove starting a riot in my head only heard by me. the sound is so intense now. i feel that my head will never stop hurting. the pain moves to the back of my head and down my spine taking over my entire body. outside my window a man in disguise, a man i despise the skies in his eyes only lies. he is trying to depress my thoughts but how depressing they are causing me only pain. these people around me only make it worse. who do i blame there is no one to blame for this curse. this curse of stress. sometime i wanna strangle myself. sinister thoughts now take control and its only five. my throat now burns as i hit the last cigarette for the first time. the smoke enters and exits my lungs with little resistance. the cherry glows an orange almost yellow color in the red glow of my porch light. down to the filter it is almost gone like so many that came before it. as it leaves my fingertips and hits the ground. i watch as it burns out. it seems to take an eternity, but its only six. as i turn off the lights the darkness engulfs my body and my room. knowing that i am forever haunted i close my eyes and see a long dark road. 10/6/03

my dreams

      As the road becomes darker i can't see more than three feet in front of me. i stumble and fall, too tired to get back up i lye there in the darkness of the night, only the moon to keep me company. in the distance i can hear the thunder. now the storm moves in closer. the sky begins to bleed teardrops from heaven, from the fallen angels weeping as they know all too well how i feel. i feel the sickness trying to escape my body. oh the pain is..... is unbearable. wishing to die, i lay there almost beginning to enjoy the pain as it takes over and there is nothing else left. a faint smell of something in the air catches my attention, as i begin to let go of all life in my body, it smells of sulfur and the sky turns to a crimson red color. the moon is now so bright like the bightest part of a flame. burning my eyes so all that i can see is the light. now i begin to feel the demons racing through my blood and taking over my brain. no more thoughts, no more pain. i feel my back tear apart as the decrepid wings take shape. now it is all to real to escape. the drugs have not kept it away this time, but why? suddenly i feel fine. i open my eyes and see the sky. was it not my time to die? clouds cover the moon, but a glow in the sky gives me a warm feeling, knowing its still there leading the way for all of its children. the sky still falling causing the breeze to become terribly cold. with the air beginning to freeze my throat and lungs as i breath it in. the warmth of the moon is gone again. i cry out, "why do you do this to me?!" as i begin to feel love it is ripped away causing only pain. the temperature drops causing the blood to freeze in my veins. my body becomes stiff unable to move. the rain crushes into my skin as i falls. now there is no light only darkness. i begin to wonder if i will ever be normal, will i ever be able to kill the pain? i've held it back behind a smile and tried not to let my anger tear that apart. now i awake, i'm in my room, in my bed. i'm ok now. i begin to clear my head, and start my day. laughing, smiling, and knowing that tonight will be the same...! 11/05/03