From the Ones of Many

What do you do when you can’t see?
When you’re blinded by what you used to be
What do you do when he crawls under your skin?
Burns his way through you
Making you feel dirty and used
How does it feel to be back on that street?
Back in that body, the one you like the best
Because you feel the worst for it
You might be willing to trade a second
Of now for then
How do you forget what you are?
Fuckable
Small and easy
“I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave”

What do you do when they can see it plain as day
Written across your face?
They know, they know, they can’t understand
Good gone bad
Can’t be happy without the sad
Break from the definition
Walk on a different plane
But remember the look, the hunger
Not to appreciate but to break
Not craving something sweet but devouring the meat
Dress it up, make it look like something else
But inside you are still
Fuckable
Small and easy
“I’ll whoop your scrawny ass bitch”

Do you desire you’re demise?
Do you like to remember or
Would you rather forget?
Is it easier?
Safer?
Smarter?
Are you?
If this were a movie you wouldn’t be alone
Someone might want to hold you
You might be willing to jump off the mountain
But not you now
All you have to hold onto is what you still are
Fuckable
Small and easy
“Nice legs what time do they open?”

Isn’t this just the way?
So close to your new day
But you only have the old ways
Did you really crawl out from the junkyard
Or can you still taste it on your own skin?
Can they?
Do you know yet what you want to say?
What do you want?
All you have to do is figure out
If it’s still better to be
Fuckable
Small and easy
“I want to turn my key in your keyholes, if you know what I mean”

Does it feel good to remember from time to time?
Does it feel good to have your definition down pat?
Do you feel right when your pleasure is your pain?
It may have been what you’ve known
But is it still how you are?
You’re still there; you’re still willing to walk down that street
Willing and able and fearful
What exactly have you gained?
You will spit their words back to them
You will become something else
You will escape
Fuckable
Small and easy
“Beating me down, beating me, beating me down, down”

Do these words give you comfort?
Have any of them
All this time
Given you any peace of mind?
You don’t know what you were meant to be
You don’t know what you wish
Or what you dream
You say you wouldn’t change it
Never take back a single thing they said
So that you might still become who you are
Who are you?
Will you die
Fuckable
Small and easy?
“I have a green condom, it says kiss me I’m Irish”

It is timing gone wrong
Or have you gone bad?
Your sense of timing makes you sad
But you still can’t shield yourself
Still can’t fill the holes
You won’t ever say a word
You haven’t changed
You’re still the very best olive oil
They can pose you
Paint your face
Let you dance like you lived without those dates
Times that take over memories
But you’ve forgotten their names
You can’t say you don’t miss it
You can’t say it isn’t the norm to be reminded of what you are
You still can’t go the night without being
Fuckable
Small and easy
“So how old are you?”

Why do you still feel him?
How can you still let him flow through your veins?
Why do you, how can you, what can you do?
You won’t cry for him
But you wonder if the tears are for you
Where was your goodbye, your happy sacrifice?
It still makes you sick
Bile and vomit tickle your throat
And you might be loving it
Let it go, let them fall
But you can’t and wont
You barely remember how to feel this
But you know how to know it
You know
Fuckable
Small and easy
“Watch your language”

Do you still think you were lucky?
Attacked by a shark
But chose not to wither and die
How lucky can you be with that scar on your arm?
You still think of him
Suck him in, breathe him out
Never, never cry for him
Never, never die for him
You know his kind
You hate to love their eyes
But you think you might
What can you do?
Because you know you’re still
Fuckable
Small and easy
“He always gets his girl”

Be what you were
Taste it and laugh
Is it grief, what you feel?
Knife, knife, no
Lost, lost, go
You’re blind now, always have been
Always will be
You wish you had a god
So that you might curse at someone
Other than yourself
Let your words spill over as if they liberate
You’re exhausted but forget how to sleep
You’re afraid to lie down and think
You may never forget
Fuckable
Small and easy
“How am I going to leave him?”

You have nothing and no one to hide from
You bathe in their looks
You crave them because you understand them
You know what it means
What do you know?
Stupid lucky little bitch
You don’t understand what you wish
Crave a new condition
6 years, nothing new
This will change too
You’ve lost the place
Your place
But you haven’t lost
Fuckable
Small and easy
“You’re smart. My hands are cold”

Why do you dwell?
You dwell here still
Home is where the heart is
Where did you lose yours?
Don’t take it out if you don’t want it lost
What is this nonsense?
Why is there no sense?
What a shame
You blame you for what you could have been
How do your habits, patterns, plans feel
When they are all that makes this real?
Dress the doll up
But someone can still see beneath
Someone will always see
Fuckable
Small and easy
“Just let it happen”

You should find those holes
And replace what he stole
Was he your death
Or your destiny?
You should change
Repaint your canvas
Rewrite your page
You know what you should do
But you won’t, won’t erase a thing
Love the days and die all night
You may have created this thing
You may have loved to let you die
And now you pay and pay and won’t hope
For the day you won’t feel it
One day you will forget and it won’t change a thing
It won’t change what you are
Once a victim always a victim
Once and always
Fuckable
Small and easy
“See, I was close to being raped a few years ago…”

Soak it up
Scream it like it's yours
You know what tomorrow may be
One out of every three
And you know it will be you
You hate your fate because you know it’s true
And ugly
Is this the only way for you to survive?
Why can’t you let that other being die?
Why wont you?
It gives you something else
Donates the strength to face the days
At the cost of the nights
Nights filled with knowledge
And memories of
Fuckable
Small and easy
“Isn’t it past your bedtime?”

When you’re blind it’s not dark
It’s wet and cold and brilliant
Do you know colors already
Or are they all you have left to find?
Of course he can’t see
Why would he care to know?
They see themselves in their mirrors
But you can’t see you
Was it your standards you raised too high?
You should never have had them at all
You didn’t deserve them
All you deserve is
Fuckable
Small and easy
“Hey honey, come over here”

Do you hate you?
Do you hate that you can only burn him out?
Bleed him out
If there’s a different way, is it better?
If there’s a better way, why can’t you know?
But you do know
You know that you can survive the nights
But you won’t let him poison the days too
When the sun sets you are his
But you will not surrender before that
Dirty, dirty, dirty but they can’t see
This waste is the only thing that makes you real
You are the waste
You are
Fuckable
Small and easy
“If I buy a bag will you smoke it with me?”

Build your wounds into a tower
Stand and hold your scars as armor
Forget your dreams
You can’t protect both
It’s them or you
Ready, set, bolt
Way too close
Remember the fear and smile
Smile or die
They know how to use you
And you know how to use you too
You can use
Fuckable
Small and easy
“Oh, you handled that well honey”