A World Through Hazy Lenses

I remember who you used to be…

A flurry of leaves played about my feet in the breeze. They were every colour of warmth, reminding the world of the fading summer. Gold, tawny, yellow, auburn, red, orange, as though the trees had captured the blistering heat of the months before and were only now releasing it. My ears rang with the sound of excited screams, competing side-show tunes and a constant mechanic whining. The scent of doughnuts and hot chips saturated the air, every breath causing my mouth to water, even while my stomach was full. Gwinny squealed with delight as she tugged relentlessly on my hand, her blonde curls bouncing with enthusiasm.
‘I wanna go on that one, Jaya!’ she squealed, pointing to a ride whirling above and before us. I pursed my lips.
‘No way, Gwinny. Mum would kill me. Plus, your probably too young.’
Her little pink lips pulled into a pout as she gazed up at me with pleading blue eyes.
‘Pretty please? I wont tell Mum, promise! Pretty please with a cherry on top and lots of ice-cream and chocolate topping?’ she begged. I groaned.
‘Aw, come on, Gwin. Don’t pull the puppy dog eyes on me. You know you can’t.’ Her brows pulled together, her eyes tearing up slightly.
‘Please, Jay Jay?’
‘Why do you do this to me?’ I moaned, but she was already squealing with joy, knowing she’d won.

I clutched the tickets tightly in my hand as I stood in the queue, eyeing the threatening machine with trepidation. It glinted ominously in the buttery sunlight, a crouching beast of cold steel and brightly-coloured plastic, waiting to fling me through the air. Gwinny bounced on the balls of her feet, eager for the coming terror. I must’ve missed the courage gene…
I swallowed nervously as a large man with a beard opened the gate, beckoning to the waiting kids. The line began to move, people climbing the steps to mount the dormant monster.
Gwinny burst forward immediately, my reluctant feet dragged along behind her. Suddenly, a gust of wind snatched at her little blue ribbon, tugging it free of her golden locks. I reached out to grasp it, but it was whipped away from under my fingers, twirling through the air in it’s bid for freedom.
‘Hang on, Gwin, I’ll get it,’ I assured her as the wind released it and it dropped desolately to the ground, the escape attempt having been foiled.
‘I’ll be back in a moment,’ I told the man at the gate, and turned to chase after the runaway ribbon.
‘I believe this is yours?’ a voice said. I looked down to see a man bent over, handing my little sister her ribbon.
‘Thank you,’ Gwinny said shyly. He straightened, meeting my eyes. He looked to be about 18, maybe 19. No more than a few years older than me, in any case. His wavy hair was the colour of coffee, and almost shoulder-length. His eyes were a dark, bottomless brown. He smiled, his skin creasing into little ripples around the edges of his lips, and his eyes sparkled with some secret merriment. It was the type of smile that brought a responding grin to my face immediately.
‘Thankyou, good Sir Knight, for rescuing the damsel‘s ribbon,’ I teased. Gwinny tittered as he dipped in a mock bow, his eyes still on mine.
‘Ah, what a tough life it is. Ribbons can be so troublesome,’ he replied, a trace in mocking in his voice. My eyes narrowed.
‘Oh? Had a lot of experience with ribbons, have you?’
He flashed that gleaming smile again, ignoring my sarcasm. ‘Of course. Chasing them is a hobby of mine.’
I was shocked when a giggle escaped my lips. It was so school-girlish. Sensible, mature, grown-up Jaya didn’t giggle. It wasn’t like he’d even said anything all that funny. Gwinny was tugging on my hand again.
‘Come on, Jaya, it’s gonna start!’ she whined. I sighed, rolling my eyes at her, before turning back to the stranger.
‘Well, I, er, have to go,’ I explained awkwardly, edging away from him.
‘You riding this monster?’ he asked, pointing at the waiting ride. I grimaced.
‘Yep, that’s the one. Gwinny wouldn’t have any other,’ I replied. Gwinny moaned, tugging harder.
‘Well, would you mind some company? My friend whimped out on me.’
I laughed, suddenly nervous about more than just the ride. Stupid I thought. ‘Yeah, okay. Maybe I can land on you if it breaks and we go whizzing into the ground.’
The man at the gate cleared his throat.
‘Yeah, we’re coming,’ I said as I allowed Gwinny to tug me up the steps.
My hands trembled as I strapped myself in, the cold bite of the metal bars against my arms sending a chill of foreboding up my spine. Please don’t let the damn thing break.
‘I’m Seb, by the way,’ the stranger said as the ride’s operator shut the gate again.
‘Jaya,’ I replied, relinquishing my stranglehold on the bar to shake his hand. His skin was soft and warm, and for a moment my panic subsided. But then the ride began to spin and I broke the touch to grasp the bars on either side of my head. I sucked in a deep breath and let it out in a piercing scream as my surroundings transformed into a blur of colour.

You were the carefree daredevil, who lived on raspberry liquorice and sunlight. It seemed that you never touched the ground, preferring to hover just above me, always with one foot in the stars. Courting luck on one arm and fate on the other, the world was whatever you told it to be. You blew into my life so quickly, and I liked it…

‘Come on, Jaya!’
I rolled my eyes at the display of stupidity before me.
‘You will freeze before you hit the water,’ I called. Seb laughed as he ran, his feet kicking up sand. I shivered as a cold breeze licked at my arms, raising goose bumps across my skin. Seb slowed to a stop at the water’s edge, then turned to me again.
‘Come on, Jaya. Don’t be such a spoil sport!’ he yelled.
‘It’s the dead of winter, you nut case!’ I cried. He shrugged, the wind whipping his dark locks around his face. He pulled off his shirt and threw it to the sand beside him.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked in alarm as he began unbuttoning his pants.
‘Well, you don’t expect me to swim in my jeans, do you?’
‘What if someone sees you?’ My eyes scanned the deserted beach automatically. It stretched endlessly onwards, the restless sea writhing on the shore, providing a background soundtrack to our banter. Dunes lined the sand, sombre sentries hiding us from the road beyond, enclosing us in a world that was all our own. The steely clouds above had leeched the colour from the beach, painting everything in shades of grey. It was eerily beautiful, a dreamscape. I heard Seb snort.
‘You said it yourself, it’s the dead of winter. No one comes to the beach in winter.’
‘No one but the completely insane,’ I muttered. The weak winter sun disappeared completely as Seb finished discarding his clothing.
‘Don’t blame me when a couple of old ladies come wandering along and see your butt-naked ice sculpture bobbing in the water,’ I shouted, my eyes appraising his bare backside. He whooped with elation as he plunged into the ocean. He disappeared beneath the waves for a moment, then resurfaced with a spray of seawater. I laughed as I watched him.
‘Come on in, it’s warmer in here than it is out there!’
I shook my head, chuckling.
‘I’ll take your word for it. I’m quite happy here.’
I watched, immediately suspicious, as a wicked grin spread across his face. He began moving forward, towards the shore again. The water dripped from him as he reached the sand, streaming over his shoulders and chest in rivulets. My eyes widened as I realised his plan.
‘Oh, no you don’t,’ I said, reaching my hands out as though to halt him. ‘No, no, no, you stay where you are.’
His grin widened as he advanced up the beach. I scrambled to my feet.
‘No, go away, go back to the water.’ I scampered backwards as he broke into a sprint. My attempts to escape into the sand dunes were in vain. I screamed as he caught me and scooped me up in his arms, holding me to his wet body. I wriggled and squirmed as we neared the water.
‘Put. Me. DOWN!’ I demanded between laughs and squeals. As the water rose to his knees, I clung to him instead, cringing away from the approaching cold.
‘Seb!’ I shrieked as he ducked into the water. I screwed up my face and screamed as I was submerged, fully-clothed, waiting for the bite of ice. It didn’t come. Instead, I found my skin stroked by surprisingly temperate seawater. It felt like I was wrapped in silk. I opened my eyes and gazed up at Seb in surprise.
‘See? Told you it’s warmer in here,’ he said smugly, and he bent down to kiss me. His salty lips caressed mine as I clung to him.
‘Yes, but now my clothes are soaked,’ I mumbled, my forehead pressed to his.
‘Well we will just have to leave them on the beach to dry,’ he murmured and he kissed me softly again, moving his arms so that they encircled my waist, allowing my feet to drop to the sea floor. It shifted beneath me, the grains of sand swaying to the rhythm of the waves. My hands drifted down his back, my fingers trailing over the planes of his muscles. I felt his hands glide up my body, and the next thing I knew my shirt was over my head…

My world was overturned the day you entered it, a whirlwind seeking out all sense, logic and reason, mercilessly destroying it. You were the missing parts of me, filling in the empty spaces and gluing me together. When I was with you, the world stopped making sense the way it always had. You showed me how blind I had been all my life by lending me your eyes…

‘I hate you,’ I announced as I gazed at the receding blanket of white. ‘Today I truly hate you.’
An elbow nudged me playfully in the side.
‘Aw, don’t be like that. You’ll love it.’
I shook my head in disbelief as we continued to drift up the steep hillside. ‘How the hell did you talk me into this?’
I could almost hear Seb’s eyes roll in their sockets at my apparent lack of nerve.
‘Come on, Jaya. You’ve got to live a little.’
I could feel my breathing quicken, prodding my heart to follow suit.
‘I do live. I love living. The reason I don’t want to do this is because I want to keep living.’
Seb sighed beside me. ‘You’re not going to die, Jaya. We will go nice and slow for you. This is an easy slope.’
‘This is easy?’ I just about shrieked the question. Yep, panic was definitely kicking in. A gloved hand gently grasped my chin and turned it so that I was looking at Seb instead of the very thin and unstable-looking instruments attached to my feet. He was grinning beneath his dark ski goggles and bright purple beanie. My anxiety couldn’t sway his exhilaration.
‘Calm down. Breathe. I will be right next to you the whole time. You will get the hang of it very quickly. You can skate, right?’
I nodded numbly.
‘Well if you can skate, you can ski. Get ready, now, our stop is coming up.’
I began to hyperventilate as our ‘stop’ approached.
‘Remember what we practiced down the bottom? You just stand up and slide over to a flat spot, okay?’ Seb reminded me. He grasped my hand with his as he raised the bar, but the action failed to have its usual calming affect, due to the fact that our hands were separated by three inches of insulation.
‘Okay, ready? One, two, three!’
I stood, against all my better judgement, which urged me to stay on the chairlift. My skies hit the snow and I began to slide. My feet slipped outwards as gravity pulled me downwards.
‘Seb!’ I cried, just as I felt an arm encircle my waist. One hand gripped Seb’s jacket desperately as I tried to regain my balance, the other held my ski poles. Stupid, flimsy things. Like they would be any help… Seb pulled me upright and quickly tugged me out of the way of the next skiers. ‘This way, silly,’ he said, and he led me to a ridge of solid snow.
‘You know, you should have worn snow boots if you aren’t going to utilise the skies properly,’ he commented as I stomped behind him. I glared at him.
‘Well whose fault is that?’ I snapped. He simply chuckled as he rounded to face me, making his movements look all too easy. But, of course, everything was easy for Seb.
‘Well done, you officially exited the chairlift unharmed,’ he cheered. I scowled at him as he applauded, the sound muffled by his gloves.
‘Unfortunately, you survived, too,’ I growled. Seb clucked his tongue and shook his head.
‘Now, now, no need to get bitey. You’ll thank me for making you do this when we get to the bottom.’
I snorted. ‘Doubt it.’
He gestured to the slope leering before us. It was relatively steep, the powdery snow interspersed with a few stout bushes and trees. Skiers, their clothes so bulky I couldn’t tell whether they were male or female, whizzed down towards the bottom at alarming rates.
‘Shall we?’
My knees began to tremble. The snow looked soft, but I knew otherwise from our practices. It was cold, hard and really hurt when you landed on it.
‘Isn’t there another way to get to the bottom?’ I pleaded. ‘I’m rather fond of full body mobility.’
‘Stop stalling and let’s go.’ He tugged me from the ridge and onto the slope, where gravity got to work right away. I turned my skies inwards, halting my slide. A skier whooshed past me, causing my stomach to jump into my throat, scrambling to get out of my inevitably doomed body.
‘I don’t want to do this,’ I moaned, my innards performing various escape attempts that left me feeling nauseas.
‘Here, we can keep to the edge and go as slow as you want,’ Seb assured and, keeping a firm grip on my hand, he slowly pulled me to the less-travelled edge of the ski slope.
‘Now, ready? I’m going to let go of your hand-’
‘No!’ I cried, holding tighter.
‘You can’t ski holding onto me. Come on, you were fine before.’
‘On the flat snow, and even then I fell down,’ I argued. Seb pried my fingers from him.
‘Honestly, it’s easier to find your own balance. Just take it as slow as you want,’ he encouraged. He succeeded in releasing my grip and suddenly I was alone. I slammed my poles into the ground immediately, using them to balance me. Seb had already skied beyond my reach.
‘I hate you more now!’ I yelled as my poles started to lose their footing in the snow.
‘I’ll be right behind you,’ he called and abruptly I was moving. My poles evidently couldn’t be relied on. I was rushing down the slope, the slippery snow propelling me along. I shrieked. I was going too fast! Desperately, I snow-ploughed, trying to slow myself down. I felt my feet turn too far inwards and knew my skies were crossing over. Uh oh, not good I thought, and I felt my legs fly out from under me. My stomach lurched sickeningly in shock, before I hit the ground. The snow clawed at my face as I rolled over and over, my body assaulted from every angle. The pain spiked as I slammed into something, my tumbling halted.
I felt hands grabbing at me, rolling me over.
‘Oh my god, Jaya? Jaya! Are you hurt?! Come on, speak to me, Babe! Oh god, this is all my fault. Please, Jaya, say something!’
‘Ouch,’ I groaned, my voice muffled by my jacket. Seb exhaled in relief as my eyes fluttered open.
‘Are you okay? Does anything hurt?’ he asked, his brow creased with worry.
‘Ugh, are you kidding? Everything hurts,’ I moaned. He laughed lightly, the sound of the slightly hysterical.
‘Can you move everything?’
I tested, wriggling each of my fingers and toes in turn, then moving on to my legs and arms.
‘Yes, but I don’t want to,’ I replied. He stroked my cheek tenderly.
‘You just lie still, I’ll go and get some help,’ he instructed.
‘No way! The snow is soaking through my pants and there is a big lump of ice getting all cosy down my back. I’m not staying here,’ I complained. Seb laughed again, the hysterical note almost gone. He cradled my head in his hands and kissed my forehead.
‘I love you,’ he said softly. I smiled, despite the throbbing pain in most areas of my body. I never grew tired of hearing him say those words.
‘I love you, too.’
He gently pressed his lips to mine, my favourite place for them to be.
‘But, if I’d died, it would have been your fault,’ I added.

Your mind and heart were as open as mine were closed, a shelter for all that is shiny and new. You wanted to experience everything, to create a lifetime worth of memories within a moment. And most amazing of all, you wanted to create them with me. But through your strengths bloomed your weakness, for while letting in the light, you let in the darkness…

The heat was stifling outside, even though the sun had long since set. The air conditioner battled with the temperature valiantly. Expectant cardboard boxes stood around the room, some already half-opened. A small pile of newspaper and discarded belongings rested next to the bed, having been hastily abandoned in their journey from the box to the bookshelf. I absently traced patterns on Seb‘s chest, chewing my bottom lip. The candles on our bedside table cast flickering shadows across his caramel skin.
‘I’m so glad you moved in,’ he murmured as he stroked my hair. I continued gnawing on my lip, my mind preoccupied. Seb placed a hand under my chin and tilted my face towards him.
‘What’s wrong, babe?’ he asked, his brows contracting with concern. I sighed.
‘I’m worried about you,’ I admitted.
‘Why?’ He ran his hand across my forehead, trying to smooth out the creases of anxiety.
‘I just… I don’t think I’m comfortable with what you and Tyler are getting into.’
Seb wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.
‘There’s nothing to worry about, Jaya. It’s just a bit of fun. It’s none of the serious stuff,’ he soothed. That’s what he said about everything. Nothing to fret over. You worry too much, you‘re going to go prematurely grey… Well, he never worried, so I had to do all the worrying for him. And generally, there was something to worry about… I shook my head.
‘I’m not so sure, Seb. I’ve seen how you get when you go without. And it might just be mild now, but what happens when Tyler gets into stronger stuff? I think you should stop-’ Seb pressed a finger to my lips.
‘Sweetheart, it‘s nothing, honestly. And if it does become more than just a bit of fun, I promise I’ll quite straight away. You just say the word, and that’ll be it.’
I stared pleadingly into his dark eyes. He smiled crookedly.
‘You’re so cute when you’re anxious.’
I poked my tongue out at him and he caught my chin in his fingers before I could turn my face away.
‘Come here, sexy thing,’ he said and pressed his lips hungrily to mine. I kissed him back, and he rolled over so that he was leaning over me.
‘You haven’t had enough yet?’ I whispered as I came up for breath.
‘Of you? Never,’ he breathed.

The shadows leached at the very foundations of who you were, your vitality, your spirit, your daring, and, most of all, your freedom. Yet, you didn’t see them. You didn’t notice their hungry steel jaws tearing at your flesh. I watched them suck you dry as I battled to show you what they were, but you refused to look, preferring to close your eyes, encouraging me to do the same. It’s okay, it’s alright, don’t be afraid, be brave…

I slammed the front door, the sound reverberating off of the bare walls.
‘Seb! I know you’re in here!’ I bellowed, my anger echoing back at me. I rounded the corner of our bedroom, and the sight that met my eyes fed the flames within me. Seb was sprawled on the mattress, the evidence of his addiction scattered around him. He raised his head to look at me, his eyes unfocused.
‘What the fuck are you doing?! You were meant to work today!’ I yelled. My eyes raked his bare arms, picking out the bruises the needles had made.
‘Yeah… I couldn’t…’ he moaned, his head dropping back to the bed.
‘How the fuck do you expect me to keep everything afloat alone, Seb?! I’m already working double shifts just to keep us going, and you wont even go to fucking work! I have to pay for your fucking drug addiction as well!’ I roared. Seb sat up, swaying slightly. There were shadows under his dull eyes, once so vibrant and full of life. His skin was sallow, his hair lank, the flesh hanging from his bones. I felt a pang within me at the sight of him.
‘I was fired,’ he rasped. I tried to bite back tears, a mixture of anger and deep despair.
‘Of course you fucking were. You can’t do anything anymore, so how the hell could you hold down a job?! You’re a fucking loser, Seb. A nothing’
He didn’t say anything, didn’t even look at me. He just stared glassy-eyed at the cracked ceiling above my head.
‘Look at you, you’re just a worthless fuck. You’re always out of it, lying there wasting your fucking life away. Well I’m fucking jack of it, Seb. I’m not paying for another dose of heroine. You can go to hell!’ Spite saturated my voice, daring him to defend himself, just asking for him to fight back. He didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t even blink. Why wouldn’t he say something?!
‘I’m leaving! Do you hear me? I’m fucking leaving you!’ I screamed. He tilted his head towards me, locking his hollow eyes on mine. His eyes were so unbearable to see, anguished, tormented.
‘Please don’t go,’ he whispered, sounding so completely helpless and despairing that the anger drained out of me. I slumped onto the end of the bed and covered my face with my hands, blocking out the peeling, dilapidated walls.
‘I can’t do this anymore, Seb. I can’t live like this. I can’t stand looking at you anymore. I don’t even know who you are,’ I sobbed as the tears broke free of my control. The bed sheet rustled as he moved and I felt his hand press gently onto my shoulder. I couldn’t even sum up the energy to shake it off.
‘I used to want to spend every moment of my day and night with you. Now, I can’t even bare to come home because I know what I’ll find.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured.
‘You’re always sorry, Seb. But nothing ever changes. We used to have fun, remember? We used to laugh as much as we breathed. I have all these memories of mad adventures, lazy summer days and spending hours snuggled up on the couch keeping each other warm. Do you remember that picnic we went on, where we lay in the grass until the sun went down just looking for pictures in the clouds? Or how about that time when you dragged me out of my cosy house just because you wanted to dance in the rain? What happened to our lives, Seb? We live in a shitty little flat in a slummy neighbourhood and the only times we see each other we fight. What happened to our dreams?’
I raised my head and gazed at him through my tears. In his eyes, suddenly clear and focused, I saw a faint flair of the boy I used to know; a fierce longing to end my pain and make it right.
‘I can change, Jaya. I know everything is shitty now, but I’ll make it better. I’ll bring those days back,’ he pledged. I shook my head.
‘I don’t think you can.’
‘Don’t say that. I know I can. Don’t write me off. I can change,’ he repeated pleadingly. I stared into his heartbreaking eyes and sighed.
‘You’d have to give up the drugs.’
He stiffened, his eyes hardening, his brow furrowing. I bit my lip, waiting.
‘Okay,’ he replied. I stared him down.
‘You have to really mean it this time.’
He nodded. ‘I do.’
I crumpled, flinging my arms around his neck and melting into his embrace. He stroked my hair.
‘I’m so sorry I did this to you, Jaya. I promise everything will be alright again.’
I nodded into his chest, too exhausted to smother the hope that was growing inside me. A hope that brighter days were ahead…

Why was my whole world constructed on you? If I’d really stopped to look, I would have realised what a shaky creature you were to build on. Audacious, limitless, with a need to live to the extreme and a disregard for right and wrong. Your were quicksand, constantly shifting, swallowing me whole the moment I stumbled across you. And once I was in, it was impossible to pull myself out…

I hugged my knees close to my chest as a stray tear slowly slid down my cheek. My half-empty glass of vodka stared silently at me, reprimanding me without words. I was crying again. When would it end? The empty days, the sleepless nights, the crushing loneliness. Would it ever end? Would the rest of my life be spent in mourning for my broken heart? The TV blared at me, the noises running together so that it was all just meaningless sound. I thought back over the conversation with my mother earlier that day.

You’ve got to stop this, Jaya! All this moping, it wont do you any good. You’ve cried for him enough. It’s time to move on.
Do you think I don’t want to? Do you think I like my empty husk of a life? Do you think I choose this?
Yes, I think you do. I don’t think you want to move on. You keep waiting for him, Jaya. It’s time to let him go.
But I can’t. I just can’t…

I let the memory fade, realising she was right. I was waiting for him. Waiting for him to stop tearing himself to pieces. Waiting for me to become more important than the drugs. He was like a man telling his mistress he would leave his wife. I will soon, I promise. Just let me figure everything out first…Except he never did. It was always ‘soon’, or ‘tomorrow’, accompanied by every excuse under the sun. I had to accept it. There just wasn’t enough room for me in his relationship with heroine.
A fresh tear made the long journey down my cheek, falling from my chin in a way that I felt like copying. I had done the right thing, hadn’t I? I did what you were meant to do. I had packed my few remaining belongings and left the desolate house we shared, moving in with a friend. But if I did everything right, why did I feel so wrong? Why did I lie awake at night, hugging myself tightly, trying to keep the demons at bay?
I still hadn’t gotten used to sleeping alone. I would finally drift off in the early hours of the morning, tossing and turning my way through a few measly moments. Sometimes I was lucky and didn’t dream at all. Other nights his face filled every second, flashing from the laughing Seb with shining eyes I had fallen in love with, to the sunken-cheeked husk that I barely knew. I always woke with a start, automatically reaching across to the other side of the bed for the protection and reassurance he had constantly given me. The moment of sickening shock hadn’t lessoned every time I found him gone.
And it had been months now.
I grasped my glass as though it was my life support. I didn’t normally condone drowning my sorrows with drugs; that was what I had left him for. But tonight was a special exception.
It was hard to believe that four years had passed me by since he had entered my life. Four years since he had secured a seat next to me with a winning smile and teasing charm. It seemed that we had never gotten off of that fair ride; it had continued to fling us around long after the machine itself had stopped. We were whizzed to extreme heights and depths, always moving so fast that everything around us was just a blur. But that is how it was with Seb.
I wondered if he was thinking about the same things I was, about how far we had come in the four years since we had met. He’s probably too off his face to even remember the date I thought sullenly, taking another sip of vodka. The bitter liquid charred my throat, burning at the stinging edges of my emotions. The fog it created in my head made them easier to endure. He probably can’t even remember my name.
I picked up the remote and flipped to another channel, trying to concentrate on the coloured lights of the screen. I wished I had gone with Jamie. She had practically begged me to go with her to the club in another of her increasingly desperate attempts to get me out of the house. I thought tonight would have been harder than ever to be around other people, holding a smile on my reluctant face. I didn’t realise it would have been far easier than being alone, with nothing to distract me from my thoughts.
If I could do it all over, would I have left Seb? Or better still, would I have accepted his company at the fair that day? I knew the right answer, the proper answer; I would have brushed him off so he never entered my life. But the truth was, I had no life before Seb. I was alive, sure, but I wasn’t conscious. I was cautious, practical, safe. Asleep. Seb shook me awake, dangling me by the ankle from the top of mountains, forcing me to look around and feel things. Now he was gone, and I just wanted to go back to sleep. The pain wasn’t worth it. God, I missed him.
I was startled out of my reminiscence by the sound of my mobile’s energetic vibration against the table. I stared at it blankly as is wriggled, the screen flashing, announcing an incoming call. I reached out and picked it up, reading the caller ID.
Seb.
My heart jumped into my throat. I knew what I should do now. I should push the little button with the red icon that would sever the call. My thumb moved to the red button, but then drifted over to the one with the green icon, the one that would answer the call and suck me back into my previous life. I bit my lip, dallying between them, deciding. I set my jaw with determination, and pushed the button…