The Signature

  The pen shook in my hand.  Shook so violently that I nearly lost my grip entirely and I fumbled to stop from dropping it on the desk.  I hoped my attorney and his assistant didn't notice.  I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly to calm myself.  Then, with my grip recovered and maintained, I poised the black tip on the dark signature line and slowly signed my name to the document. 

Final.  Over.  Done.  With the swipe of a Bic, black, fine point pen, 19 years of marriage dissolve and end.  Making the life we had shared nothing but a bitter memory.  Over, with the signing of my name...just like it had begun. I finished the line, took another deep breath, let it out and looked up at my attorney. My eyes were dry, yet inside I was broken into a thousand pieces...defeated.

" Is that all?"  I quietly ask him.

" Yes, thats all.  I'll file it with the courts this afternoon.  The judge should sign it and make it final within a couple of weeks at the most."  He paused looking up at me. Although not what I'd call an attractive man, he had warm, kind eyes that were fixed on mine.

" I know this wasn't easy for you and I'm sorry you had to go through it. But, after dealing with your husband over these last several months, I honestly can't understand why you put up with him as long as you did." He smiled.

" Thank you. " I muttered, trying without much luck to offer a smile back. 

  Little did he know I would have put up with it forever...thats how deeply I loved him and believed in our family.  So, I pushed the chair away from the table, grabbed my purse and stood up.  I shook his hand and turned to leave.

" Oh, we'll mail you a copy of the final decree once it is signed."

I nodded my head, the room feeling suddenly too hot and closed in.  I need air, I thought.  I walked down the narrow hallway, quickening my pace as I made it past the ever smiling and cheerful secretary.

"Have a wonderful day!" she offered as I pushed the down button on the elevator. My hand was beginning to shake again.

Inside the elevator I felt the tear slide down my cheek. I hurriedly swiped it away and looked to the floor as more passengers boarded the elevator.  Damn! Why was their office on the ninth floor? I prayed that no one would notice me as I shrunk further to the back as the elevator while even more people boarded.  Finally, after an eternity, the elevator stopped and everyone started disembarking.  I exited the elevator as another tear escaped my eye. My vision slightly blurred, I pushed my way out the heavy wooden door onto the busy, crowded street.  I could feel the tremors starting and my shoulders were beginning to slump against the weight of the grief held captive inside of me. My stomache was knotted in one big wad of despair.  I've got to get to my van before I completely lose it right here on the street corner!

  I had three blocks to go to get to the parking garage.  I forced one foot in front of the other, not really noticing the people or events going on around me, just following the crowd down Market Street. I was in a fog, yet completely aware of the tight rein I was keeping on my emotions.  Please, I prayed with each step forward, do not let me crumble into a jelly-like mass of tears and snot on this sidewalk...please!  I rounded the corner onto Thomas Street and stepped into the parking garage.  I took the stairs two at a time, the tears finally spilling over as I reached the top of the third floor.  I heard the sob escape my lips, fumbled in my purse for my keys and said another silent prayer of thanks for keyless entry systems cause there is no way I could see to put the darn key in the door lock, tears pouring uncontollably down my cheeks now.  I sprinted the last few yards, opened the door and threw myself into the driver's seat.  There,  the trembling, the sobs, the grief broke free of their restraints and I was consumed.  I had no choice, no longer any power over what my body needed to do....to weep, to yell, to curse, to pray, to question why this was happening?  I had no answers, I simply rode the tide...until there was nothing left... just the stark black and white vision of my signature written on that page.