Trust issues

I got what I wanted but I was miserable getting it. I woke up at seven am without an alarm clock. I was so cold. The blanket wasn't enough. I need to get a damn comforter. Comforter...ha. They do actually comfort though. You can hide your face in them and hold them tightly and they'll hold you back as long as you needed them to without complaining of back problems.

So I didn't get to take the easy way out and be asleep when he got home from work. I was actually watching a movie in the bedroom. He came in. He had brought me some cookies, the rat bastard. I wanted to be mad but I had forgiven him the second he had smiled at me. He would let me watch the damn movie in peace. He brought me out to the computer room and showed me his email. He thinks I have his password which I don't but I wish I did. There were only four pics from that Jayne chick and most weren't even the ones I remember. Had I been going crazy remembering shit that wasn't there? I don't know. I'm sure there were not only pics of her in a bedsheet which there was but also more pics of her in bra and lacy panties.

We sit there and he brings up how I went on 'dates' as he calls them with guys in Pensacola. Um...I went out to hang out with a bunch of people who happened to be guys. I mostly have guy friends. Sorry but its true. He talks about how hurt he was that I had been out and about on 'dates' with them. I let it go because no matter what I said, he would still have had something to say. He's pissed right now. We were seperated for six months. Six long fucking months. I can imagine what army wives have to go through.

He tries to worm his way out of it and talks about how I had seen 'gifs', pics from the internet....probably from a porn site. If these were pics from a fuckin porn site, I would not have cared less. Its porn. This is totally different. These pics were intentionally sent to him through email from a chick in Canada. Way fuckin different. I explain that to him but like most men, he doesn't see it my way. He brings up how in the past, I had gotten naked pics of guys. First of all, they had been disgusting and I have never, I repeat never requested them. I had been too much in love with him. I still am.

So this ends up with me silent and him begging me to talk but I know its useless to even open my mouth. Its always pointless when I try to fight because I'm not a fighting type of person.

We end up in the bedroom with me trying to watch Mad Max and him sitting cross legged trying to talk to me.
He tells me that he thinks its ridiculous that I'm getting this upset over something so small. Ha. Small to him. Its fuckin hurts.

I finally open my mouth and tell him why it hurts. "Yes, I was mad about the pictures (hurt more like it but I'll die before I tell him this) but I was also upset (hurt) because I was insecure about my own body." I am a slender Asian. That means a petite body with small boobs and a small ass. This chick had boobs and ass and no rolls. Even I have rolls. Damn, I need to exercise. He tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful. We make up with a kiss and he goes to take a shower. I still make him sleep on his side of the bed but I'm miserable anyways.
I would push him to his side of the bed but what I really wanted was for him to hold me close and safe in his arms. I guess he didn't get the message. I needed him but he didn't give me what I needed most at that moment. Assurance. Confidence that what he says is true. That he really thinks I'm beautiful. He spoke the words but he didn't touch me and kiss me. No makeup sex either.

Yeah...so here I am writing out my pain. I can't be vulnerable to him just yet. Even after a year together, I still have to hold something back to keep him guessing. When men get settled, they start taking you for granted. Its as simple as that. Kinda like a dog who just ate and all they'll do is sleep or be lazy.

I'll try to get over this. I probably will but my heart feels like it hasn't spoke what it has needed to say. My heart feels like he hasn't heard what he needs to hear.

Oh, he told me that I could delete the pics. I told him he could do what he wanted to do with the pics. Its his computer.