Love, sorrow and undimmed stars: Part 4

The building’s foyer was quiet as usual. The barely noticeable whirr of a distant air conditioner and the soft mouse-clicks of the young doorman-cum-security guard playing solitaire were the only sounds filling the large space. The light marble flooring felt cold and unwelcoming. Fittings affixed to the high ceilings splashed bright light everywhere, leaving no shadows in which to hide. Katherine felt exposed. And she wondered if the foyer always looked this way. But then, she was unwelcome here now. She didn’t even call ahead, probably too afraid she’d chicken out if she did. So she decided to just pitch up, and wait. Even if it was a bit of a coward’s way, she thought.

“He’s been working long hours lately, Miss. Even on weekends, like now” a concerned voice said, directed at her. Katherine found its owner. Mr Garrety, the doorman who’d just started his shift. She looked up at him, and his face crinkled into a broad smile.

“Hello” she replied.

“I haven’t been working many shifts lately. Couldn’t shake this bug I picked up. Drove Phyllis up the wall. And before that we finally took that trip to Vegas I owed her. But its nice to see you again. Its been long…how are you?”

“Its nice to see you too, Mr Garrety. I’m okay. How are you?” she replied.

“Dear, dear girl, I’ve told you over and over. It’s Ian. Even this old fossil doesn’t like to think of himself as one. Humour me?”

She smiled in reply, adding “But I keep asking you to call me Katherine, and you never.”

“That’s because I’m a gentleman. And I’m stubborn” he grinned back.

Katherine shook her head, still smiling.

“I can let you in. He’s been working long hours, so says Jason over there. But of course you know that… Just no point you waiting out here for him. Mr Burrows leaves a set of keys with me; I can open up for you. I know he won’t mind.”

Mr Garrety obviously had no idea.

“No, no.” Katherine replied hastily, trying to explain.

“Let me go get his keys” Ian Garrety stated, turning to go back to the security counter against the wall, clearly not having heard her.

“No, Mr Garrety. Please, its okay. I’ll wait here. I’m very sure he will mind coming home to find me there” she said more firmly.

The elderly doorman looked at her, first in confusion and then understanding. His long absence obviously meant he missed out on some important, if sad, developments.

“That would depend entirely on why you’re there, wouldn’t it?” a third voice stated matter-of-factly. Both Mr Garrety and Katherine looked up to see David. His entrance went unnoticed by them both where they stood in the corner with the elevators and art-deco benches. Katherine’s heart sank. She wasn’t prepared to see him after all. And she now wished she didn’t follow through with this foolish ambush.

The doorman quickly left them, Ian Garrety far too experienced in life to not know when to make an exit.

“Hi…” Katherine started, nervously.

“Hello, Katherine” he said.

She didn’t know how to continue. Everything she’d planned to say disappeared now that she saw him. He looked different from before. He seemed sterner and there was less playfulness in his eye. And he looked like he didn’t want to see her, let alone listen to what she has to say.

“I need…David…er…could I have…” Great, she thought. Eloquence personified.

David looked at her. His eyes were unreadable. Katherine felt as if she were trying his patience. Suck it up, she thought. She took a deep breath.

“Katherine, I-” he started, but she cut him off.

“David, I need a few minutes of your time. You don’t have to give even a second to me, I know. But I need to see you.” She looked up into his eyes the entire time, wondering where she found the resolve to do so. She waited, and then added “after that I’ll go.”

David didn’t say anything. He looked at Katherine, and then away, behind her at the elevators. He took a breath, as if deciding something. Then he nodded. He moved to press the silver button in the wall, summoning the metal box to carry them upward. They waited in silence, painful and uncomfortable. The silver doors opened in front of them, and they stepped into even more discomforting silence. Katherine took to willing the seconds to move by faster. They arrived at his door, still not having said anything more to each other. David unlocked it, opened, and removed satchel sling from his shoulder. He softly announced ‘come in,’ stepping aside to make space for Katherine, and took off his coat. She pushed the door closed slowly, and turned around. David was looking at her, waiting, his face still unfathomable.

“David, I know nothing I say will make up for what I’ve done, but I-”

“You’ve done nothing, Katherine. Both of us made assumptions.”

“The ones I made meant I wouldn’t get hurt” she said softly, knowing that didn’t hold true any longer. David flinched.

“You don’t have to be here” he stated, “doing this.”

“Yes I do.”

“No. Not if you think you owe me an explanation. Or because three weeks ago we happened to run into each other at that coffee place, no.” He shook his head, insistently, speaking faster than usual. He wasn’t making this easy, he knew. But he wasn’t trying to hurt her either. It was just too painful to see her standing there - back in his apartment where they spent so much time together, his thoughts now assaulted by every memory he had, tainted with the knowledge that he meant nothing to her. Why couldn’t she just leave?

“I’m not here because I happened to see you three weeks ago…” she started again, seeing the pain in his eyes now as his carefully presented façade slipped ever so slightly. “And I know I don’t owe you an explanation” she said, voice heavy. “But I am sorry, and I’d like to explain, if you’ll let me.”

“Katherine, please stop…” this was too painful for David. He was still hurting. And what’s worse, now Katherine could see him. He felt even more exposed.

Seeing that, something changed within her. Whatever reason brought her here, however Tom had managed to convince her to come here today and ask the impossible of David, even as she allowed the possibility to play on the fringes of her thought, she now knew she couldn’t. She’d explain herself as much as she could, as much as he would allow. And then leave. Sometimes there is too much hurt between two people to ever go back. Too much pain caused by one and suffered by the other to ever make something whole again.

“I’ll leave, now in a minute, David. But I wanted to say…I am sorry” she began slowly, “For everything.” She paused again, still looking at him. “Nothing I can say would be enough, and I know you’ll find anything I do say meaningless. Which is okay, because there’s no reason you have not to… We both did make assumptions, and…” she took a deep breath, “and my reasons for seeing you now do seem hollow and fake. And if I were you I’d think nothing of me, too. But I,…I’m not someone who just sleeps around on a whim. As stupid as it sounds I did think carefully before I decided to have a meaningless fling since I’ve never been one for fuck-buddies” her voice lost some composure “you’re only the second man I’ve been with, …But that’s not the issue here” she tried to collect herself, knowing she was veering off topic, “And I’m not changing my story now... I did have a fling with you. And I did set out to do so. We should have spoken to each other. I should not have assumed things about you. I wish I could go back and change things… I’m sorry…”

Katherine trailed off, feeling she was beginning to ramble. And realising how annoying she must seem. “I am sorry, David” she said once more, not knowing whether she was apologising for hurting him before, or assaulting his ears now. Probably both. “I’ll go now” she said in conclusion, and turned around to make for the door, her heart heavy.

“I don’t think nothing of you, Katherine. I don’t think you sleep around...” David said. It pained him that she assumed he thought these things of her.

She turned back when he spoke. She nodded, and continued for the door. She could feel that twitch you get somewhere behind your jaw when you feel as if you’ll cry.

“Katherine…wait.”

“Its okay. I didn’t come here because I wanted to protect what you thought of my character. I came here…” she paused, knowing she would tell a small lie next “I just came here to tell you I’m sorry. I see now I shouldn’t have. And its just ego and vanity that I wanted to do so. And I rambled. So it doesn’t matter, you can ignore what I said.”

“What were your reasons?” he asked soberly, cutting through her ramblings.

She looked at him, confused.

“What were your reasons for deciding to date me?” he asked again. “I mean, I’m sure other men have asked, and you’ve dated since your husband died, but why my bed, and no one else’s then? Was it because you knew you could feel nothing for me, even then?

“I haven’t dated since Peter died. I didn’t want to. It’s not about your bed over anyone else’s, it’s not how you think” she answered, her voice a defeated whisper.

“Then what was it about, since you didn’t…don’t have feelings for me? What was it that makes you now say they were hollow and fake?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Katherine flinched now, hearing his words. She did feel for him now. And she knew it was over.

“It does to me, Katherine.” His voice was soft now, resigned. “I thought we had something, and I was so very wrong.”

Katherine looked at David then, and her heart broke. He was no longer the accomplished, confident man she had met six months ago. He looked hurt, almost like a little boy. She could see pained and wounded eyes looking back at her, his focus wrapped in her, waiting for an answer.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to give him one.

“If I said I knew exactly why I said yes to you I would be lying. I can admit some of it was because you’re much older. And that you were never married. I assumed because of that you would not be interested in anything else besides something uncomplicated. And I wanted that because…” she paused now, wondering if she should continue. She looked up, and into David’s eyes again, and knew she had to. She took another deep breath and then said “and I wanted that because…because I reached a point where I believed that people get together for every reason but because they fall in love.”

David didn’t say anything when she stopped speaking. He looked intently at her, trying to understand what would make her feel that way.

“Why, Katherine?” David was no closer to understanding Katherine, and this futility she admitted confused him. What caused this in her? What happened that this was taken from her?

“That’s not important.” She was now losing her battle to maintain composure and knew she had to leave.

David, as hurt as he was, as painful as it was seeing her again like this, saw her struggle, and wanted, once more, to take it from her. He could see that he would not get an answer because she would not share that with him. There were many mysteries to Katherine and he could not unravel them. But he knew to leave that alone because he didn’t want to see her hurt. He thought of Peter Sanderson, and Katherine’s hurt shock the last time he mentioned the dead man’s name. He wouldn’t do that to her again, even as he contemplated that Peter must be the reason she lost faith in love. Her first love had died, and she would mourn him her whole life.

“I am sorry, Katherine” he said slowly, his thoughts on their young love torn apart so soon and how it affected the woman he fell in love with.

Katherine looked at him. She turned back as he said those words, and her insides shattered into pulpy shards. Any other man would have torn into her. Any other man would have been angry, perhaps rightly so. Here David was, hurt, innocent, yet apologising to her. It would be better if he was sarcastic, or mean or petty. He was none of that, and it killed her over and over in those unending seconds since he said it.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, David. I’ve made the big mistake here. Not you. Please don’t say you’re sorry. Please?” her voice was close to a pleading, plaintive sob.

‘Big mistake?’.

He looked at her searchingly, her words and tone were more than just a woman apologising for misplaced assumptions. His pulse quickened because he realised that they might be talking about two different things. Was it possible that she was not thinking of her husband just then? What did she mean when she said she’s made the ‘big mistake here’?

She looked at him in silence, while David’s mind raced all over the place. Once again, she turned to leave. She wanted to say goodbye, but the word rendered her incapable; its finality was more than she could face. The realisation that she was walking away from David for good was painful in its sudden, cold awareness.

“Katherine…” once again she was reaching for the door handle when David’s voice called out her name. Both their mind’s darted to the last time that happened. “What do you mean ‘you’ve made the big mistake here’?”

“It’s irrelevant now…” She cursed that she let those earlier words slip out.

“What’s irrelevant?” David’s pulse quickened.

“Nothing. I must go. I’m sorry Davi-”

“Please stop, Katherine. Just stop!” he cut her off. Took a few steps closer to her. “Why did you come here, Katherine?”

“I know I shouldn’t have, now. But I came to say sorry. I wanted to try to explain and I-” she knew she was lying again. She looked away from him, afraid of what he’d see in her eyes.

“No, Katherine…please! Why did you come here?” he asked again, more insistent now yet voice still calm.

She looked at him not knowing what to say. Had he been able to see into her so clearly? What was it these days, had she no more secrets left?

“David-” she began, but she was found no words.

“You didn’t just come here to tell me you’re sorry” he stated simply, his mind now going over everything that had just happened, his voice reasoning out loud what he was surmising.

Katherine’s heart and stomach lurched and flipped, she was sure they traded places inside her body. She could do nothing but stand there in silence, not even look at him as she lost whatever courage she had left.

“Katherine…please?” David asked again. His own voice trembled now. And again her heart shattered for this man. He was so open and honest. He only wanted an answer.

“I did come here to say sorry, David. I’ve wanted to say sorry for so long” she began. She looked at him. His face was keen, waiting for her to continue. “But you’re right. That’s not the only…” she took a deeper breath, knowing she was about to say the words that would make her ‘that’ girl, the girl arrogant enough to hurt him yet want more, “…its not the only reason” she openly trembled now, nothing she could do would hide that. “…I came here to ask the impossible, David. And when I got here, I knew I couldn’t. Knew I shouldn’t.”

“Ask what, Katherine?” he was unable to read her, unable to make sense of her. An idea formed in his head but he was afraid to think it, afraid for the thought to coalesce, only to be hurt so deeply again.

“I can’t ask that of you, not after I know what you feel. Not when I don’t know what I feel…for you” she looked at him shaking her head as if in protest, heart aching. “I can’t ask that of you, David” she ended simply, “I won’t do that.” She knew she didn’t even have the courage to say the exact words out loud. It didn’t matter. The realisation dawned in the open mouth and widened eyes on David’s face. Seeing him like that her heart ached more painfully with weight of pressure, wishing she could go to him to hold him, and press her lips to his. “I’m sorry David, I know I have no right to even think you’d want anything to do with me-”

“Katherine…” David’s voice was heavy, tremor-laced. Her name played on his lips. His mind didn’t want to comprehend what was happening while his heart bolted around violently in his chest like a giddy child with the keys to a toy store. He moved right up to her and pushed the door closed, his hand over hers on its handle.

“Katherine…” he said again. This time he wiped the tear that had appeared, hovering delicately at the corner of her eye. As he did so, she moved her hand to meet his, shifting it away. She didn’t want his comfort; she deserved much less. He didn’t let her. Instead he just looked at her, caressing her face softly while looking into eyes brimming with more unshed tears. And for the first time ever, David saw there something different. There was an openness, and softness. The hardened veil was gone now; a wall breached. He hadn’t even realised it was there before, yet now seeing what was behind it the difference was immeasurable. He knew he was seeing her for the first time, and her beauty was even more wondrous than before.

“David” she began, trying to speak. Her voice cracked and her chin collapsed, about to cry, “I can’t ask that-” It was hopeless.

“But you can kiss me, Katherine” David whispered, his unexpected words surprising her completely, shock written on her face. He moved to close the small gap between them, breath catching slightly in his throat. “If you want to, that is, you can kiss me…” he added, almost self-deprecatingly.

He understood a little why she wanted to run, why she thought it impossible. She had said why; she had said she’s not sure what she feels while they both knew he loved her. That didn’t matter. The faintest chimera had become a glimmer, only infinitesimally less capricious and indecipherable, but it was enough for David.

It was all he needed to cling to.
It was what drove him that night to tell her even after he learned his disastrous truth. It was all he wished for, hoping merely for a chance to show her his love. And right now, he wanted nothing more than a confirmation of that glimmer in a kiss from Katherine.

Katherine heart stirred. She looked at David, and she saw how beautiful he was, wondering how she never saw that before- sad yet light eyes and soft hair, slightly grey at the temples, looking like it needed a trim as she felt an urge to tuck unruly wisps behind his ears. She knew she must have run her hands through them many times but couldn’t remember what that felt like. But more than that, there was beauty in his heart, in his manner, in his voice and in his soul. And now, she saw it for the first time.

Hope.

She looked up at him once more, and wanted nothing more than to give him what he asked for. She stood on her toes, hands reaching up feeling the soft hairs at the back of his head, and kissed him gently. She took his lip between hers, and pressed softly while breathing in deeply. Something shifted within. She pulled back, catching her breath. It was a simple kiss, but it was the first time she had done so with an open heart. And she was unprepared for how she would feel. Her heart raced and she wanted to kiss him again and again. But Katherine knew David had to decide what he wanted.

When she touched her lips to his it was unlike any kiss David had ever got from Katherine. They could have been six years old in a schoolyard; it was that innocent. Yet he fell ever harder for her. When she pulled away, he saw her look at him, unsure eyes staring back. She was giving him an out. She was waiting to see what he wanted.

He answered her silent question, scooping her into his arms and kissing hard.

Aching and desperate and needy.

This time they clung to each other, and at the end, their breaths were ragged and pained. He kissed her once more then, a soft encore to the desperate pull of before, followed by another. And another. Chased by a grin on David’s face, who now, indeed, looked like a big kid. He pulled her closer, and Katherine smiled against his chest as his arms circled her. She felt warm. So did he. They stood there a long while until Katherine pulled away suddenly.

“David,” she started nervously “I want you to know…I mean, we messed up before because we made assumptions about each other… and I want you to know…” They were still holding each other, Katherine now looking up at him, hands resting lightly on his slim hips, her face a study in concern. She was damned sure she would never hurt this man again, not by making the same mistake. She had to be clear this time, even if it meant losing him.

“I know, Katherine” his soft reassurance was calm, belying the pounding inside.

“David, I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t know where we will go-”

“I know. I know” he said softly, sensing her growing unease. “Katherine, I know there are no sure things. I know that you didn’t just wake up this morning and decide you’ve fallen in love with me – I know there are things I don’t understand about you” his face was pained as he said this. “But… I do know that now you are standing here, in my arms. And if you want to see me, really see me, get to know each other, and try, it will be worth any risk. More than any” he repeated in a low whisper, playing with wisps of hair that had broken free of her ponytail. “You swept me away, Katherine. We both know that. All I want is a chance, an honest chance. That’s all I ever wanted.” His tongue flicked over parched lips, his throat equally dry. Katherine had so much sway over him, and he knew it. He started again, changing his tone, trying to ease the heaviness around them “If we still don’t work out, I’ll live. Oh, I’ll be that crumpled wreck punching in every morning at Unsworth & Emerson. Ruined. Less than whole. Probably wearing a full beard, too broken to care. And you know, I was never one for full beards. Very itchy.” He grinned at her. “But I’ll live, Katherine.”

Katherine chuckled softly through the tension between them. David was happy to see her smile.

“You’re far too amazing a man” she said in whisper, pulling him closer as she reached up, arms going around to hold him. She meant it. He owed her nothing. But he gave her everything.

“Oh you have no idea. Wait till you see me pick up satellite TV with string, dinner plates and a wristwatch battery.”

This time Katherine laughed heartily. She almost giggled; all her emotions now finding release in his off-centred comeback. When their laughter died down she kissed him again. All she wanted was to shower kisses on this man; simple, soft, long, sweet kisses.

“Come with me?” David asked, in-between the delightful tastes of Katherine’s lips.

“What?” she asked, pulling away from him and into the present, his kisses having sent her somewhere far off.

“Come with me” he took her hand in his, his large palm smothering hers, their fingers snaked between each other, and headed for the door. Outside, on the sidewalk, he grinned mischievously at her, refusing to tell her what he was thinking. “Lets” he stated when a clunking tourist carriage pulled up. He wanted nothing more than to celebrate right now. Katherine had come back to him, and he wanted to be outside, basking in sunlight to match the joy inside. He half dragged, half-led her onto it, and up the stairs to sit in the open air. They were alone. He pulled her close for a deep kiss when they sat down. They had no idea where the bus was going. Neither cared. They just wanted each other.

Before the bus ride was over, and after the invasion of the tourist group, Katherine had made her plans with David. There were things she needed to tell him. As lovely as he has been, as patient and understanding as he was, as caring as he was, she knew she had to share things about her life with him. It was time.

***
Katherine carefully placed the steaming coffee on the coaster, dragging the ear one-hundred-and-eighty degrees to offer him the handle. She took a seat next to him on the sofa in her lounge, her right foot tucked under her body. He leaned over to kiss her as she sat down, and smiled at her when they parted. The smile she returned was tentative and he saw her breath deeply, the familiar mannerism of someone about to do something risky.

“Katherine,” David started, his hands in her hair “it can wait.” He moved to kiss her flushed cheek, “there’s lots of time. I can wait.”

“No, David, it can’t.” She shifted her weight and kissed him gently then, pressing her lips to his with an intensity that overtook her. She closed her eyes as she did, consciously noting the feel of his lips, and his scent, and his warmth. Sitting back down she looked over at her bookshelves and remembered David’s curious questions from the living area as she made dinner a few hours ago. She remembered him teasing her about the Barbra Streisand CDs and concert tickets he’d seen there, playfully refusing to accept her explanation that they were gifts for her mom and Angela. She smiled to herself, remembering also how he’d tricked her then.

“What?” he asked, her pleasing expression causing his own eyes to twinkle back at her, if in a little confusion. His hand was still gently playing in her hair.

“You really had me going there for a while, you know.”

“Hmm, did I now?”

“Oh, definitely! Sent shivers down my spine and everything.”
David laughed at her feigned horror.

“Does Ms Streisand hold that much dread for you?”

“Only as much as the seven circles of hell,…and fluffy pink stuffed bunnies. So, yeah. Don’t be telling me you’re a passionate, devoted fan. Ever.” She playfully tugged at his shirt to emphasise her point while trying very hard not to look amused by his earlier scam.

“You should’ve seen the look on your face!” David laughed back at her, still amused that for once he had managed to trick her the way she always did him.

“Bloody hell, I nearly did what with the out-of-body experience I had almost had.”

They smiled at each other a few more seconds until Katherine grew serious. She placed her cup on the table, and said:

“I’ve stalled long enough, haven’t I?” lips curled in an attempted smile.

She didn’t look to him for a response, nor did he offer one. Instead, he reached out to lay his hand in gentle reassurance lightly on her jeans’ waistband, and looked at her a long while before smiling.

“Nothing you are about to tell me will change the way I feel about you” he said finally in a low whisper.

Katherine’s head flicked up at that, and smiled at him through her jangled nerves. “Its not that what I’m about to say will be a big deep dark secret, David”, feeling her fingers with her thumbs, watching the circling movements she was making with them with sudden interest. “Its an explanation…to you. And it’s about things that happened long ago with Peter.”

David nodded at her. Katherine took another deep breath, but said nothing for a long few moments.

“I never mourned Peter” she eventually punctuated the silence, still staring at her hands.

David tried to look at her face but her head was bowed.

“Katherine, what do-“

“I never mourned him. Never grieved for him.” This time she forced herself to look at David. He saw pregnant pools forming in her eyes as his own narrowed in confusion. She swallowed a pained breath and faced David again, straightening her shoulders.

“He was coming back from a conference at a lodge upstate when his car slammed into the freeway barricades” she continued. “When I got to the hospital he was unconscious. He died the next day.” She looked down again, feeling skin at her fingertips. “Diana was also in the car.”

David looked searchingly at Katherine wondering who Diana was. Before he could ask the question, she continued, realising that she’d need to explain.

“Diana and Peter worked together on almost all their accounts. I found out that day that they were seeing each other.” Katherine looked down at the couch again while David’s eyes widened, cursing Peter Sanderson in his mind. “They were together for almost three years…our fourth anniversary had just passed….” She trailed off, wanting to stay on topic and not create pity for herself in David’s eyes. “What I mean is that Peter was never really faithful to me, not even when we were still in our honeymoon phase.” Once again she let out a breath, adding “whatever that means.” There was no bitterness in her voice.

“Maybe I refused to look, or didn’t want to see what was happening. Things weren’t great, but we had a marriage, you know. We were still close. Just…he was closer to Diana. He loved her.”

An unfamiliar anger started a slow boil within David. He’d obviously never met Peter Sanderson, but he was now overcome with the sudden urge to kill a dead man. He reached his arms around her wanting to hold her close.

“David, wait…” Katherine stayed his hands, holding his in hers. “Its just that…you know how people say they fall in love in a moment, how it all happens in the blink of an eye?”

He nodded.

“..I fell out of love like that. Instantly. There was no doubt. No lingering anything. And then…I got angry. I was so angry for so long. I didn’t want to be his wife, his widow, the woman everyone paid their respects to.” She took another deep breath, “…I was even glad he was dead… for just a few moments, yeah, but I thought it.” Letting the breath out, she licked her lips and looked at David, guilt and shame playing on her expression. “It wasn’t that I chose not to mourn him, but something took over. Maybe it was autopilot, I don’t know. Self-protection?....god knows I had long enough to think about it. When I realised he stopped being my husband long before his death, I realised that I wasn’t his wife. I hadn’t been for a long time, and never in the way I thought I was, if that makes sense.” Another long pause followed before she added in soft defeat “I never grieved for my husband, David.” With those last words she looked at him again but found David staring down at his knees, mulling thoughts over in his head. An excruciating pang of fear darted through Katherine, and she pulled her hand away from his, not wanting to feel it turn cold in her grasp.

Unending seconds passed as Katherine searched David’s face for a clue. Her throat grew dry. In a softer tone, she said slowly:

“I’m far from the saintly, young widow everyone always thought me to be. It sounds mean, I understand, but that stony numbness is the only thing that got me through. I’m not the only woman whose husband had an affair on her, I know this. But I had no place to direct any the bitterness I felt. In the space of a few hours I lost the man I loved, and the thought of the man I loved. Cutting myself off was the only way I knew how to survive.”

The cold she had feared she’d feel in David’s hands found its way into her centre even though she had let go of him. Unconsciously, she backed away from him where she sat on the couch, and hugged her arms close to her.

Still she wished for a clue to appear on David’s face.

“David, I-“

“That’s why you didn’t want his money?” David asked suddenly, cutting her off without even knowing she had begun speaking.

At first Katherine blinked at his question, then saw his meaning written on his face.

She nodded.

“Oh, Katherine…” David’s face fell with her confirmation of his thought.

“If he loved me it might’ve been different. But he didn’t, so I couldn’t take that money. It didn’t feel right to me. I didn’t want it. It wasn’t a ‘fuck you’ to him. I explained that to his parents. Diana probably had more right to that money as the woman he loved. After the months and months of going in to Unsworth, I realised that his money was better off not with me, but with Gaby and Alex…his mom and dad.”

“That day, the day we met…in my office…I thought that…”
“I know.”

“Katherine…” he breathed deeply.

She tried to stop herself from crying, knowing what David had thought all this time; that she and Peter had been a storybook romance. She would have laughed bitterly had the pain she caused not been so aching in its ability to inflict damage.

“I think I must be the only woman who felt the need to divorce a dead man” she said instead. And David at once understood her “I can bleat on about closure and psycho babble, but I think that’s what I was doing by signing away his life insurance. I could…should have been a better person, but I wanted out. Its damned hard for a widow who is supposed to grieve her saintly husband, so giving back his life’s worth in money to Gaby and Alex somehow made sense to me. I wasn’t being a martyr, I was being realistic.”

The clarity given to David was pristine in its beauty. Everything made sense to him, finally. His thoughts jumped to the first time he begged of her to let him love her, and he felt cold in sudden awareness. He had hurt her that night, and only now he realised how; telling her over and over how he understood how Peter must’ve loved her. He understood finally why Katherine, beautiful, young, vibrant and alive in every way nevertheless admitted defeat the way she did when she came to his apartment. Again he found a well of feeling deep inside inclining him to inflict pain on the man that took this from his Katherine. Her own husband.

Instead, David made a silent promise to himself, and reached for Katherine. He pulled her close, her smaller frame caught in surprise when he moved to hold her, effortlessly. Katherine gasped and clung to him. She realised then that she was biting back tears, and his touch and warmth around her gave it release. He held onto her tighter as he heard her ragged sobs, kissing her neck tenderly. She held onto him tighter, and stayed there, letting the thoughts and feelings she’d shared with no one else before flow from her in relieved and freeing tears.