Footsoldiers - Chapter 1

“You moron!”

“Oh, that’s nice, call your commanding officer a moron.”

Private Dave was sitting on the small bench of the oddly large holding cell deep within the basement of the keep that was currently in control of the invading swine army. Captain Ellig stood by the door to the cell, holding onto the bars.

“You are a moron!” Private Dave yelled.

“What the hell did I do to make me a moron?!” Ellig said turning around and waving his hands around.

“You got us into this mess, you got onto your knees and begged them to not hurt you!”

“Look, as your commanding officer, I assessed the situation, there was just the two of us, and I acted as I saw fit. It was for the best interest of our platoon, we couldn’t just bust out all willy nilly and try to take them all on!
Remember our motto, don’t be a hero.” Ellig said as he saluted.

“Willy nilly? There were 4 of them! Smaller than us, not nearly as well equipped, and from the looks of it, nearly a sixth of the training.”

“A sixth eh? So what’re you, some kind of math major now? How’d you end up here as a foot soldier if you’re a math major.”

“I’m not a math major!” he exclaimed.

“That’s what I thought.” Ellig said as he crossed his arms defiantly.

“Alright.” Dave said with a deep sigh. “I’ve got a plan to get us out of here. When the guard comes down to give us some of that slop they call food, I get him in a headlock, and you kick him in the stomach.”

Ellig thought about it, then nodded. Then waited. They waited for awhile, quite awhile. In fact, they waited for so long, Ellig fell asleep. Dave stared hard into Ellig, wishing for his death. How he loathed the man. Suddenly, the clip clop of the Swine-men footsteps filled the room as Dave heard one of them coming down the stairs. He gave Ellig a kick with his boot and stood up.

“Back! Squonk! Back!” The pig-man said as he opened the door.

The two of them backed up and waited for the pig-man to enter the room before Dave ran up to him and grabbed him into a headlock.

“Quick Ellig! Now!”

“I forgot! What am I supposed to do?!” He questioned while Dave was struggling to keep the pig-man in place.

“KICK! HIM! IN! THE! STOMACH!” Dave yelled.

Ellig ran up to the pig man and the pig man reared back kicking his hooves out at the Captain. The captain dropped back then with one giant kick he knocked the breath out of the pig-man. Unable to breath, Dave put the pig-man in a sleeper hold and watched it pass out. He dropped the pig-man, took it’s weapon and the keys to the cell, pulled Ellig out and locked the cell behind him.

“What the hell, this doesn’t look like it could hurt anyone!” Dave exclaimed inspecting the weapon. He then prodded Ellig with it.

“Hey! Watch it! You’ll poke my eye out!”

“I’m poking you in the chest.”

“Yeah, well then you’ll poke a nipple out or something, put it away.”

Dave rolled his eyes and sheathed the weapon in his belt. They grabbed their equipment and suited back up into their armor.

“I’ve never heard of an incident where they keep the prisoner’s armor and weaponry in a place other than right outside of their cell. Never fails.” Dave said.

“Yeah well, we should be lucky for their stupidity. I was getting cold without any armor.”

Dave again rolled his eyes and scurried up the stairs. He burst through the door with a sidelong shoulder smash. The door burst into splinters and the guard standing at the door was knocked into somewhere other than consciousness.

“Kill everything on the way out, and let’s just get the hell out of here.” Dave raged on as two more pig guards entered the room, weapons brandished.

With a quick slash Dave cut out at the first pig guard, but the guard was ready. He parried the sword and cut back. Dave was quick with the parry, and even quicker with the second parry from the second guard.

“CHEEEEEEAAAARRRRGEEEEEE!” Ellig yelled out and jumped into the fray swinging his hammer out and catching the second guard in the face and following through to knock the second guard into the first and then into a wall.

“See, now wouldn’t that have been easier than getting us locked in prison?” Dave asked sarcastically.

“Hey, commanding officer here, I can do what I want.” He said leading the way into the next room.

There were several pigs that seemed as if they were civilians fleeing the keep. Dave and Ellig exited the building and were greeted with what seemed like a militia. The building was raised, with a staircase leading down into the ground. Many pig-men armored with mere cloth tunics and pants, wielding nothing more than torches and one or two with swords.

“Alright, what is that? 8?” Dave asked.

“Oh so what, now you’re a math major? Just kill them, they’re pigs!” Ellig replied as he charged into the fray smashing the face of one of the torch wielding pig-men.

“Sure, take the easy ones.” Dave muttered as he charged into the two wielding swords. He jumped off the stairs and landed feet first into the two pig-men. Standing atop them, he sliced down with his sword and got them both through the throat. Leapt off of them and stood face to face with one wielding a torch.

“Gotcha!” Ellig yelled out as he took the torch-wielder facing Dave out. The torch rolled out of his hands and into the pile of dead pig-men.

“We better get out of here, it’s about to smell a lot like bacon.” Dave said as he vaulted the short hill the keep sat atop.

Around them was nothing but fields, a trail leading to one of the giant barns indicating that one as the stables.

“There! To the stables!” Ellig said as he ran off into the direction of a barn.

“No you moron, you’re running to the barracks. The one with the trail leading to it is the stables.”

“Then quick! To the stables!” Ellig said while backpedaling to the correct barn. Dave merely rolled his eyes and began jogging to the stables.

A score of pig soldiers began running out of the barracks fully armed and ready to attack, fully armed of course being what appeared to be a tattered tunic and dull swords that would be better used as clubs.

Dave was the first into the stables as he jumped onto the wall of the first stall and hopped onto the back of a horse. Immediately after Dave landed on the horse, Ellig landed right behind him.

“What the- Get your own damn horse! There are 4 other horses to choose from! Don’t jump on the same one I’m on!” Dave screamed at Ellig.

Ellig jumped on top of Dave’s horse then cleared the next stall and landed on a black and white spotted horse. The horse reared and shot out of the stall. “Dave! They’re not locked!” Ellig yelled as his horse ran out of the stables and towards the pig army.

Dave sighed and kicked his horse. The horse angrily trotted out of the stables at a slow pace, despite Dave’s protests. Once the horse got sight of the angry and swift moving pig army, it suddenly bolted in the opposite direction taking after Ellig’s horse.

They rode through the fields until they finally hit a road. Looking back, they could see that there was no longer a chasing army. They slowed down to a trot and began to discuss their plan of actual escape.

“Look, if we go through the hallicunoforest, we can make camp on the other side before sun down. If we go all the way around it, we risk being attacked, captured again, or even worse starving to death. We go through the forest.” Dave stared hard into Ellig’s eyes.

“If we cut around, we can hunt and survive. I don’t want to face my fears in there. You know what the hallicunoforest does, exactly what it’s named after! You hallucinate! The only problem is, you hallucinate through the entire forest! We’ll end up killing each other! Let’s just ride around, take the safe route.” Ellig shivered as he talked, thinking about the horrible stories he was told about the horrible place that horrible Dave wanted to go.

“I got us out of prison, I’m going to get us back to base. I’ve got all the supplies, so come with me. Or, fight for your own against the cursed swine that captured us in the first place due to your stupidity!” Dave began cursing as he trailed off towards the Hallucinoforest.

Ellig sighed and trotted on behind him.

The hallucinoforest looked like any other forest. Tall trees, shrubs, bushes, but the one thing that made this forest different, was an enraging purple mist that flowed through the forest as though it was permanently engulfed in a night fog. The trail was made of dirt so fine it looked like it had never been traveled. But nothing could match the disappointment Ellig felt, when he realized he wasn’t hallucinating.

“What the hell kind of forest is this?! There are no angry chocolate rabbits, or unhappy beavers! Hell, I didn’t even see a crow with a razor beak! This forest sucks!” Ellig pouted as he looked towards Dave.

Dave just sat there in his saddle half-slumped.

“Dave!” Ellig shouted though he was merely a few feet behind him. “Dave! What’s going on?”

Dave suddenly turned around and he had the face of an eyeless child. Blue liquid seeped from his mouth and his hands had razor sharp claws. “I’m right here, Ellig you imbecile.” Dave said in the most demonic voice Ellig had ever heard. When he spoke, flies flew out of his mouth towards Ellig. Ellig screamed and fell back off his horse.

Ellig shook his head and everything returned to normal. Dave looked down at Ellig in disgust, turned around and continued riding. Ellig stood back up, brushed off his pants and went to pull himself back up onto the horse when suddenly giant spikes grew out of the horse’s back. He began to cry. He knew he was hallucinating but it seemed so vivid, so real. He gingerly slid back onto the horse’s back, through the giant spike, and sat down. He clenched his eyes shut the rest of the way.

“Ellig, your eyes are shut, you’re going to run into a tree.” Dave said nearing anger. He didn’t want to put up with anymore of Ellig’s shit. He was tired, and dirty, and just wanted to get home to a nice cool bath, and eat something other than slop for once. He stuck his tongue out at the thought of the slop. Then gave himself a cockeyed glance as he realized he had never actually eaten the stuff. Then the realization hit him that he had only been incarcerated in the pig-men’s pseudo prison for several hours.

The realization made him feel bad about going off on Ellig. Maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy after all. He turned around. “Ellig I just wanted to-“ Suddenly Dave flew off his horse and into the sky.

“DEAR GODS I’M FLYING!” Dave screamed as he shot towards the stars.

Ellig came across Dave puking over the side of his horse. The vomit suddenly took the shape of a beautiful woman. Long blonde pukey hair, with big vomity breasts, and a very curvy shape that made her yellowish red color glow. Ellig’s eyes grew wide as he realized she was begging him to come over to her, to make love to her.

The other side of the Hallucinoforest was a beautiful scene. There was a fresh lake at the end with a stream running along the path. Great big trees wound around the far side of the lake. The evening sun reflecting off of the water as a stag and a fawn drank from the lake. They froze suddenly and looked up as a man who was riding two horses barreled out of the Hallucinoforest, one foot planted firmly on the back of each horse, screaming the entire time. Shortly after, another man came running out screaming and covered in vomit.

About an hour later after the effects of the hallucination wore off, Ellig and Dave sat waist deep in the lake, washing themselves off.

“Please don’t tell me, you actually tried to have sex with my vomit.” Dave said glaring at Ellig.

“Look, it’s been awhile, you should’ve seen her! She was breathtaking my friend! Just breathtaking!” Ellig said almost longingly. Dave merely shuddered.

“We’ll cut down branches, setup camp and sleep until dawn.” Dave said searching the area around the lake.

“Watch?” Ellig asked.

“Don’t need it. The forest covers us on 3 sides and the mist will cover us from the outside world. Anyone that sees us here will think we’re nothing more than an illusion.” Explained Dave.

Ellig shifted uncomfortably in the water. He glanced around and felt a little reassured by Dave’s words. They setup camp and passed out by the camp fire.