Couch Athletics - Episode 6

HevyD sat in a room full of his enemies. Everyone was there, including Dr. Breen, Bowser, the Gordon’s fisherman, and even Kefka.

“Gentlemen, the reason I’ve brought you all here was to discuss how we are going to destroy the world.” HevyD said non-chalantly.

“Excellent. My combine soldiers, hunters and tripods will be arriving shortly.” Dr. Breen said evilly.

“Yes, and I’ve poisoned every fishstick in the entire globe!” The Gordon’s fisherman said almost as evilly as Dr. Breen.

“Yes, and my imperial magi-tek suits are awaiting outside, thousands of them!” Kefka said maniacally.

“Yes, and my koopa troops are ready to be deployed at any minute. Bowser said with an evil grin. “Gentlemen, to evil!”

All of them raised their glasses of blood.

“Now, before we start I’ve gotten you all gifts. You can find the gifts behind your chairs.” HevyD said calmly.

All of them reached around and pulled out their various gifts, unwrapped them and opened them up.

“Hevyd.” Dr. Breen said without looking up. “All that’s in here is an apology hallmark card that says “Sorry to betray you.”"

All four of them looked up and saw HevyD pointing a gun at them.

“Sorry to betray you.” HevyD said as he fired and blew off Kefka’s head, then Dr. Breens, then Bowser.

The Gordon’s fisherman chuckled. “Oh HevyD, you’ve been so foolish. You had fishsticks for lunch, didn’t you?”

HevyD looked around angrily. “No!” He cried out. “NOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

“HevyD damnit wake up!” Vesta said angrily.

“Huh what? Oh, right, I’m not a super villain hell-bent on taking over the world being betrayed by the Gordon’s fisherman. I’m just the CEO of an incredibly successful company being betrayed by Vesta.”

Vesta sighed. “Sure, look, I know we’re all still recuperating from Citan’s untimely…..passing.”

“Who?” HevyD replied genuinely confused.

“Citan.”

“Eh?”

“The guy you hung.”

“Hanged.”

“What?”

“Hanged. You said that guy you hung, the correct usage of the word is hanged.”

“I thought it was hung.”

“No, that's just me.” HevyD said with a smile.

“Fine, whatever, that guy you hanged.”

“I didn’t hang anyone.”

“No, the guy that I thought you hanged.”

“You thought I hanged someone?!” HevyD exclaimed with deep concern.

“No I!” Vesta growled. “Look, forget it, we had two guys from our Q/A department that wanted the job.”

“Citan did the work of two men?” HevyD asked.

“No, but we figured with the amount of work he did do, it might not hurt to have a second man to help out. Citan was a squirmy guy, maybe the workload was getting to him.”

“This is the same guy that we found passed out on my couch covered in cheetos?”

“No, that was you.” Vesta said with a deep sigh.

“Oh right, well send them in!”

The two people Vesta escorted into HevyD’s office were not your average people, though they seemed perfectly normal there was something odd about them.

“Is that one wearing fox ears?” HevyD asked aloud.

“Be nice! I want them both hired when I get back.” Vesta said angrily.

“Oh right! So, you boys want to be on the team, eh?”

“We sure do sir! Although, we’re already on the team, just a different team, we want to be on your team sir.” The one with the fox ears said.

“We think we have some great ideas that can draw more people into the community, bringing you more money.” The one without fox ears said.

“Well boys, what are your names.”

“Steve, sir, Steve-Dave.” The one with the fox ears said. “And this is my associate, H.W.”

“Like the little kid from that oil tycoon movie?” HevyD said excitedly.

“Uh, sure. And I assure you sir, we plan on making you as rich as an oil tycoon!” Steve-Dave said.

“Why would I want a pay cut?” HevyD replied quizzically.

“We meant on top of what you already make.” H.W. said.

“Fantastic! First, I’ve got a few questions for you fellers. Question the first! Who’s hotter, Cameron from House, or Dr. Brennan from Bones?”

Animalous and H.W. exchanged glances.

“I guess we’d take a crack at both of them, um, sir?”

“Good answer! Next question, who was the fat fella in Jurassic Park?” HevyD asked.

“Well, if we want to be literal about it, I guess we could say there were a few overweight people in the movie, but I assume you’re talking about Wayne Knight, or his character’s name was Dennis Nedry.”

“Good answer! Follow-up question, who was his contact?!”

“Dobson, sir.” H.W. replied frankly.

“You boys are on your way to a new tomorrow! Now! Last question, and this one’s a killer!”

They both sat up straight and focused on HevyD, which is hard to do seeing as normally your field of vision doesn’t stretch that wide.

“Who’s more evil?” HevyD got close. “Dr. Breen, or the Gordon’s Fisherman?”

“Easy, Dr. Breen.” Animalous replied.

“No doubt.” Said H.W. in agreement.

“Yeah, you’d think that, but you’d be wrong. Sorry fellas! I can’t offer you the job, if I had ya on my team I’d be dead right now. HevyD replied with a sigh.

Animalous and H.W. cocked a curious look at HevyD.

“Oh! Uh, poison fish sticks.”

They both nodded in understanding. Vesta then popped his head into the room.

“Hey Hevy, are they hired yet?”

“What? No, they failed the test!”

“I know what the first two questions were, what was the third?”

“Simple, who was more evil, Dr. Breen or the Gordon’s Fisherman.”

“What?!” Vesta exclaimed. “You morons chose the Gordon’s Fisherman?”

“No, honest, we picked Dr. Breen.” They both replied in unison. Vesta turned an angry glare to HevyD.

“The answer was the Gordon’s Fisherman?!”

“Heh, sure was.” HevyD replied with a smile.

“And we understand it now, Vesta. Poison fish sticks.” They replied again in unison.

“You two are creepy, and you!” Vesta pointed at HevyD. “Ask them one more question and then hire them.

“Aren’t you going to leave?” HevyD asked.

“No, I’m going to stay right here and make sure they get the job.” Vesta said matter-of-factly.

“Alright, fair enough. You gents see this picture on my desk?” HevyD picked up a picture and turned it around.

“Hey, that’s my wife!” Vesta exclaimed as H.W. and Animalous nodded.

“Alright, would you two believe I nailed her at last year’s x-mas party?”

Again, H.W. and Animalous nodded.

“Easy, yes.” Animalous said.

“No doubt.” H.W. said in agreement.

“Alright fellas, you’ve got the job.” HevyD stood and shook both of their hands and walked them to the door. He let them out congratulating them. He shambled back to his desk and picked up some papers, organized a bit, threw on his jacket and said. “I think it’s time for lunch.” And walked out of his office.

Vesta simply stood there in the middle of HevyD’s office, mouth agape.

HevyD poked his head back into his office. “Vesta, let me tell you the truth about this one okay?”

Vesta sighed and seemed to calm down and became a bit more animated again.

“It was goooooooood!” HevyD said as he bolted back out the door, Vesta in tow screaming at him.