The Closet Circus

[Scene begins in a bedroom. A closet door is stage right. A bedroom door is stage left. A BOY is sitting in his bed. MOM enters from stage left, opening the bedroom door.]

MOM:
Goodnight, honey! Sleep tight! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!

BOY:
There are bugs in my bed?!? AAAAHHH!! [screams and jumps out of bed]

MOM:
Oh of course not, dear, it’s just a saying. [sits on bed] Now stop fooling around and get to sleep. Little boys need all the rest they can get!

BOY:
Mom, I’m 16.

MOM:
Oh I know… you just grew up so fast! [giggles and hugs BOY]

BOY:
[rolls eyes] Geez, Mom…

MOM:
Alright, “big boy”, have sweet dreams. [kisses his forehead and exits]

BOY:
Wait!! MOM!!! What about closet monsters??

MOM:
[from offstage] Sweetheart there are no closet monsters! Now go to bed, Mommy’s very tired!

BOY:
BUT MOM I’M SCARED! [thunder] Gee, it sure is dark in here. And those shadows look pretty… [gulp] menacing. Oh, snap out of it! Grow a pair! I’m 16, I should be afraid of monsters. [snorts] Monsters… stupid… no such things… just being paranoid…

[A crack of lightning. Lights go out. CLOWN enters from closet door on stage right. BOY screams. CLOWN screams. Lights come back on.]

BOY:
What the Jiminy Cricket?? Why are you in my room??



CLOWN:
Geez, kid, you scared the living fun out of me! I don’t know how I got here, one second I’m in my tent crying and the next… I’m in your crappy room! The downsides of having a circus in a teenage boy’s closet, I swear… and I dropped my squeaky horn. [looks around. BOY trembles while clutching his covers.] Who the fun are you, anyway? An acrobat?

BOY:
No… I’m Nancy. Who are you?

CLOWN:
Nancy?? HA! What a name! [laughs and does a dance] I’m Dumbo the Clown! The king of comedy, the great giggle-giver, the prince of puns, the duke of fun! And I think I’ll just call you boy. [throws a banana peel on the ground and purposely trips on it] Ta da!

BOY:
[stares silently]

CLOWN:
Aw, but the closet circus kicked me out because I couldn’t make a funny joke. [sits on bed, to BOY’s annoyance]

BOY:
But you’re a clown! You’re supposed to know funny jokes!

CLOWN:
I know, but my father was Icabod Jr. the Clown and he never taught me any good jokes. [sigh] Most people find me annoying. I don’t understand why. [pauses. Squirts BOY with water from a flower on his chest.]

BOY:
[in a sarcastically monotone voice] I can’t imagine why. [dries face]

CLOWN:
I know, right? [sigh] The circus is my home. The other performers are like my family. I just want to make them proud.

BOY:
Well… if it means that you’ll get out of my room, then I suppose I can help you-

CLOWN:
You’d do that for me?? Aw, what a pal! [kisses boy on cheek]

BOY:
Sure… whatever. [pushes him away] So how do we get back to the circus?

CLOWN:
We’ll have to go into the closet, boy! That’s where the circus is, hence the name “Closet Circus”?

BOY:
The… [gulp] … closet?

CLOWN:
Yes, boy, the closet! You’re not afraid of closet monsters, are you?

BOY:
No!! Monsters don’t exsist! [nervously snorts] Silly clown…

CLOWN:
Well, come on then! One big foot in front of the other. Closet circus, here we come! [exits through closet]

BOY:
Okay, I’m a big boy now. Big boys aren’t afraid of closets. Come on, Nancy, be brave. You’re with a clown. One big boy step in front of the other… [exits through closet]

[Scene change. Closet door stays on stage right, bedroom door disappears. Scene is now a circus tent.]

CLOWN:
[enters through closet door] Hey, I found my squeaky horn! [picks up] Ew, it’s got lion spit all over.

BOY:
[enters from closet door screaming, runs into CLOWN. CLOWN honks squeaky horn.]

CLOWN:
Boy, what is your problem?

BOY:
Uh, oh, uh, nothing!! I’m just… really excited. I LOVE the circus! [over enthusiastic]

CLOWN:
Ooookay… here, come on, you gotta meet everyone!

[LADY enters.]

CLOWN:
Oh, uh, hi Lady!
LADY:
Oh, it’s you Dumbo. I thought we kicked you out.

CLOWN:
I know, but I found someone who might be able to help me with my jokes. Boy, this is the Bearded Lady.

BOY:
She doesn’t look very hairy.

LADY:
Oh, I’m not. Smooth as a baby’s bottom. [starts hitting on BOY] I shave. Everywhere.

BOY:
[gulps] Uhh… that’s [voice cracks] … cool…

[MIME enters. Wanders around backstage.]

CLOWN:
Ah, and there’s the Mime!

BOY:
He’s pretty colorful for a mime.

CLOWN:
[in a hused voice] And quite the talker, too.

MIME:
[moves downstage] Hey everyone! Nice weather today. I hope it doesn’t rain like it did yesterday, that was a bummer. I don’t like the rain. It makes my makeup run and then I have to apply it all over again. Such a hassle! Hey, what’s for lunch? I’m in the mood for hot dogs. Wait, no, pickles! Pickles are good. Actually I think I want tacos. I wanna go to Mexico. You know, Spanish is a fun language. And it’s easy to learn! I know a few words. “Yo quiero unos tacos.” That means, “I want some tacos.” Hey, guess what guys? [mimes being trapped a box] I’m in a box! Ha ha, I bet you never would have guessed that. I wanna be in a movie. I wanna be a movie star. LET’S GO TO HOLLYWOOD! Wait, let’s go to Mexico first, I want a taco…

CLOWN:
See what I mean?



LADY:
Such a chatterbox for someone who’s supposed to be SILENT! [deathly glare at MIME. MIME runs back upstage.]

[MACHO MAN enters, dragging a weight.]

BOY:
Who’s that over there?

CLOWN:
[sigh] That’s Macho Man. He’s not very macho, though…

MAN:
[crack knuckles. Tries lifting the weight, and fails. Tries lifting again, and fails. He shrugs.]

LADY:
Guy never worked out a day in his life. Such a shame, he’s quite the charmer. [giggles]

CLOWN:
[rolls his eyes and hits himself with a fake hammer.]

BOY:
Geez! This is the most dysfunctional circus I’ve ever seen!

LADY:
Ha! Wait until you see the Ringmaster.

[RINGMASTER enters running from stage left, holding a stuffed cat and screaming.]

RINGMASTER:
Waaaahhh!! Rabid lion on the loose! [throws stuffed cat at LADY]

LADY:
Ew, gross! [throws cat at CLOWN]

CLOWN:
I don’t want it! [throws cat at MIME]

MIME:
Oh, what a cute kitty! I want a pet. Let’s get a-

LADY:
Oh, you stupid, stupid Mime! [grabs cat and throws at MAN]

MAN:
Too… weak… to… throw…


CLOWN:
Oh, for the love of fun! [kicks cat away from MAN]

RINGMASTER:
Whew, that was a close one!

LADY:
You’re telling me.

MIME:
I wanna get a puppy! I want a puppy!

CLOWN:
Learn to control your lion, why don’tcha!

MAN:
My arm hurts…

BOY:
Shut up everyone!! [everyone stops and stares] You people need serious help! Clown, you have the worst sense of humor EVER!! Lady, you’re in love with yourself! Mime, you just never shut up! And Macho Man, I’ve seen 6th grade girls stronger than you! [turns to RINGMASTER on stage right] And you… listen, you can’t spend your whole life being afraid of lions. You’ll always be watching your back, being paranoid, wetting the bed… never truly being confident in yourself. You need to conquer your fear, or else your fear will conquer you. [picks up RINGMASTER’s whip.] Here, try again.

RINGMASTER:
[trembling] But… I’m scared!

BOY:
[rolls eyes] Oh, brother. Look, just trust me. You can do this.

RINGMASTER:
[takes whip nervously. Whips cat once and jumps back. ALL cheer]

MAN:
The lion is tamed!

LADY:
No more chewed up underwear!

CLOWN:
No more eaten pies!


MIME:
He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it! He did it! I wish I could do it! HE DID IT-

CLOWN:
[hits MIME] Shut up, Mime!

RINGMASTER:
I can’t believe it! Oh thank you boy, thank you!!

BOY:
Aw, shucks. [snorts] It was in you all along, you know.

MAN:
So… if I really wanted to, I could lift this weight?

BOY:
Sure… why not.

MAN:
Ok, here goes… [cracks knuckles. Steadily lifts the weight over his head.]

ALL:
[cheer]

LADY:
My hero! [clutches MAN’s arm. He accidently drops weight.]

BOY:
Lady… you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. [LADY giggles] But you’ve got to stop shaving. People will still like you for who you are. [LADY snorts] Macho will like you.

MAN:
[smiles]

LADY:
[annoyed sigh] Okay, fine. But only for Macho.

MAN:
You know, I don’t mind a hairy woman.

[MAN and LADY exit stage left together.]

MIME:
Hey, what about me? How ya gonna help me?

[CLOWN pulls out duct tape and shows audience when MIME isn’t looking]

BOY:
Hey Mime, what do you get when you cross a bird with something sticky?

MIME:
Ooh I love riddles! Hmm… [thinks very hard] I don’t know. What DO you get?

CLOWN:
DUCT TAPE!

MIME:
HA! That’s a good-

[CLOWN tapes over MIME’s mouth. MIME begins miming.]

RINGMASTER:
What’s the matter, Mime? CAT got your tongue? [shoves stuffed cat in Mime’s face and exits stage left cackling]

CLOWN:
Hey, I don’t mean to be a wet blanket… [squirts himself with water and laughs] … But before you go, can you help me with my, erm, joke thing?

BOY:
Oh! Yeah, I thought of the perfect idea… [searches around and finds a joke book] Here ya go! The funniest jokes in the world, composed by world famous clowns, such as Icabod Jr. the Clown.

CLOWN:
Pa was world famous! I can’t believe it. Thanks a ton of fun, boy! [hugs BOY]

BOY:
Sure… anytime.

CLOWN:
So I’ll seeya around?

BOY:
You know where to find me.

CLOWN:
Come see a show sometime, wouldya?

BOY:
Okay, but only if my mom lets me. [BOY begins to exit stage right]

CLOWN:
Wait, boy.

BOY:
[stops and looks back]

CLOWN:
Boy… I mean, Nancy. You ever need us, we’ll be here ready to help.

BOY:
Thanks, Dumbo.

[BOY exits through closet door. CLOWN exits stage left. Lights out. Scene change back to bedroom. Lights on. BOY is in bed, sleeping.]

MOM:
[From offstage] Honey! It’s time to wake up!

BOY:
[groans] Five more minutes, Mom…

MOM:
[enters from stage left] Sweetie, you’ll be late for breakfast! [gently shakes boy] Wake up my angel.

BOY:
[sits up in bed] Mom, guess what?! There really AREN’T any monsters in my closet!

MOM:
I told you dear. Now get up and make your bed.

BOY:
[stands up and makes bed while he talks] No, listen, there’s a circus in my closet! And they have a mime and a bearded lady and a lion and a macho man… and there was a clown!

MOM:
That’s nice, dear. Now hurry up and get dressed, you have a big, beautiful day ahead of you!

[MOM and BOY exit stage left. CLOWN opens closet door and waves at audience, then closes door and exits stage right.]