The Prison. Chapter 1

As I crept down the stairs of my fathers old house a phrase repeated itself in my head, 'they'll never forgive me for this'. Passing the door to the living room I had to stuff my fist in my mouth to stop myself from whispering the thought out loud, I had come so far without being noticed it would be a waste to to be caught creeping out to the car now.  As I got to the last flight of stairs I easily skipped the floorboard with the tell tale creak.  Gradually the sound of the television and my beating heart was becoming quieter as I reached the front door.  Then all at once my heart was in my mouth and I was in the cold night air, the overgrown garden casting shadows all around me.  Forgetting myself completely I slammed the frontdoor shut and ran down the garden path, nothing could stop me now I could see the car and my father at the steering wheel. I had managed to get out of the house without having to explain again that I wanted to go home, and that I was sorry. 

I was absolutely sick of hearing myself say the word 'sorry', the word no longer had any meaning to me, I didn't understand why I was so unable to explain my feelings of deepest dread about having to stay in his house, that house.  I veered between hurting the people I loved most and myself, so instead I muttered the word 'sorry' and faced the stony wall of silence, of incomprehension, of confusion.  And everytime I faced the almighty battle with myself of taking it all back, of staying there and pretending that this was the place I wanted to be most in the entire world.  I could never do it.  The truth was so obvious to me, that this house was someone elses home, that lives were being led here and that I was just a guest.  A passing visitor in a family that by all rights shouldn't even exist if the adults had played by the rules that the gold bands on their ring fingers had set down.  Silly to expect the adults to abide by the rules.  Everything appeared to get so complicated the minute you became an adult. I didn't know when you became an adult, what mystical event heralded the coming of a new chapter of life and closed the door on my childhood.  I did know, that right now, everything was complicated. 

The idea that it was my fault came sneaking back into my brain, bringing with it unpleasant images of shouting adults and cross words, of rooms becoming silent whenever I walked in.  I hurridley pushed the thought to the back of my mind, where it always dwealt and got into the car.

The car was blindingly bright after my time in the garden, as my eyes got accustomed to the brightness I became aware of the atmosphere.  It was familiar to me a mixture of pain and anger which manifested itself in a strained silence which neither me or my father could break for a long period of time.

'Are you sure?' he said quietly unable to look at me. 

I nodded inperceptably and looked straight ahead.  I would not cry.  As the car started the C.D player whirred into action automatically, Christmas carols that I had happily sung along to earlier sounded tinny and far away to me now.  The Christmas lights look oddly distorted through the cars rain spattered windows.  The roads were quiet, eveyone was enjoying the company of the ones they loved indoors.  I tried to make myself as small as possibly in the front seat and thought of what I was going to say to my Mother this time.  I knew I wouldn't be able to do this forever, one of the adults would put their foot down and there would be no more of this indecision.  My father's house was not a prison, but deep down I knew that I was going to have to stay there one day and face whatever it was that left me unable to sleep, eat and focus.  I became aware that the car had stopped but the engine was running idly.  The silence was unbearable to me but I did not know how to fix the damage I had caused, I knew I would have to go back there tomorrow and face more silence, but for now I was almost home.

As I slipped silently out of the car I turned to my Father and whispered 'Merry Christmas Daddy'.

For a second his face seemed to crumple but it was so brief I instantly questioned whether I'd seen it at all.  I hesitated, turned and ran to the front door.  I forced herself not to turn around.  He was watching me, scrutinising my every move to try and understand why I acted like this.  I smiled sadly to myself as I heard my Mother walking towards the door, I had no time to plan what I was going to say. 

When the door opened I was still smiling and my Mother looked at me with a look of concern and moved aside so I could pass.  As the door closed the noise of a car roaring off into the night made us both stop and I looked down and waited for the hot feeling in my stomach to begin.  The guilty feelings would always start the moment my Mothers eyes pierced me with their concern and they would last until I was back in my Father's house.  I was no more able to articulate my feelings to my Mother, no one knew what was going on in my head I thought sadly.

'Homesick?'

After the noise of the car the hallway had been silent and her voice sounded oddly loud.  I looked up at my Mother and tried to digest this piece of information.  How could I be homesick in a place that was supposed to be my home? Where someone who completed my family circle lived?  I jerked my heard in a movement that was halfway between a nod and a shake and climbed the stairs slowly to my bedroom.

Climbing onto my bed I tried to clear my head of the guilt and pain, I tried to concentrate on something that would distract me enough to allow me to feel vaguely human again.  My heart was thudding away in my chest at a rate of knots, I felt as though I wasn't getting enough air into my lungs, like I was trying to breath without lungs.  Every second that ticked by was moving me forward to tomorrow, when I would have to go back and stumble over my words in a poor excuse for an apology.  An apology that I had no reason to make!  Still the tears didn't come, something I was pleased about. 

Checking my refection in the mirror I saw no flicker of emotion cross my face.  Inside my panic and sadness was reaching a peak, I tried to force it back down and create another protective wall around my heart and mind.  I was aware of my nails digging into my palms, so far this wasn't working so well.  I heard my Mother climbing the stairs softly and her bedroom door closed, not before I'd heard the chink of a glass on a bottle.

'Ahhhhh' I exhaled softly

In a second I was padding silently down the stairs, I was becoming an expert at sneaking around. I found the cabinet in the dim light cast from the window, opening it quietly to avoid any give away creaks I considered my options.  My aim was to find the strongest emotion numbing spirit I could.  It was an easy task to achieve, my Mother used alcohol to medicate her moods something that I obviously wasn't supposed to be aware of. 

I carefully pulled out the first bottle of clear spirit and took a determined slug.  It burned the back of my throat as I swallowed but I kept drinking.  I felt the warmth of the Gin in my stomach begin to spread to my limbs, a pleasant warmth that made me smile.  I gripped the bottle tighter and took another large gulp before retreating back to my room with it.
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