Captain Oblivion

FADE IN:

INT. RESTERAUNT - NIGHT

JOANNA (youngish woman dressed fancily) sits cross legged at her table, holding an empty glass of wine, bouncing her foot up and down impatiently.

A commotion is heard on the other side of the restaurant. She perks up slightly.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION (O.S.)
Aside foolish peons! Captain Oblivion demands entrance!

WAITER (O.S.)
Yes sir, but you need a reser--

CAPTAIN OBLIVION (O.S.)
Caption Oblivion needs no such foolishness! He shall crush you under his foot like the ant that you are!

CAPTAIN OBLIVION (Early thirties, heavily built wearing a ridiculously elaborate costume, heavy on shoulder pads, spikes, flowing capes and A huge CO symbol on his chest) bursts into the room, sweeping aside the host.

He stands in the middle of the resteraunt looking lost for a second, then he spots Joanna and marches up to her.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION (CONT'D)
And would you happen to be Joanna Worthwight, little worm?

JOANNA
Mmhmm.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Good. I am here as your ‘date’. I am...

Captain Oblivion throws up his arms, his cape flowing dramatically, as lightning and thunder cut through the room.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION (CONT'D)
Captain Oblivion! Destroyer of worlds, consumer of souls! The one who--

JOANNA
You’re thirty minutes late.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Captain Oblivion is not skilled in time management.

Captain Oblivion sits down at the table. He picks up a menu and rifles through it. A WAITER approaches.

WAITER
And what can I get you, sir?

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Captain Oblivion demands the hamburger! With extra mustard! But no pickle slices! I shall crush your puny form with my fist if I see so much as a single pickle slice!

JOANNA
And I’ll have the spinach salad, please.

WAITER
Very good.

The waiter drifts off.

JOANNA
So, why’re you late, exactly?

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Those foolish meat shields Walrus Man and Duck Boy tried to spoil my magnificent plan of world domination!

JOANNA
Oh, I’ve seen them. They’re the guys who dress up like pirates and beat up bank robbers, right?

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
No, that’s Fishman and Lobster Bait. They too are a thorn in my side and shall suffer my wrath soon enough!

JOANNA
Oh.

They sit around awkwardly for a moment.

JOANNA (CONT'D)
So... what do you do for a living?

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Captain Oblivion crushes the souls of the unworthy! He grinds the countries of the world under his iron heel! He--

JOANNA
No, I mean as a job.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Oh, I work as an accountant at Heymer and Smythe’s.

JOANNA
Oh, cool. My dad used to work there.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Really? That is interesting, puny mortal.

They lights dim and he steeples his fingers in front of his face malevolently.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION (CONT'D)
Very interesting...

The waiter approaches with a laden tray.

WAITER
Your meals, sir and ma’am?

The hamburger with plate of french fries is lain before Captain Oblivion, and Joanna’s salad in front of her. Captain Oblivion stares at his plate incredulously.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
What is this?

WAITER
Is there something wrong, sir?

Captain Oblivion swipes the plate of fries off the table.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Captain Oblivion asked for no fries! He demands salad in its place! He needs to cut down on his carbohydrate intake or else it will spell his DOOM!

WAITER
Very good sir.

The waiter picks up the plate and drifts off.

JOANNA
That wasn’t needed.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Captain Oblivion accepts no slack from underlings.

JOANNA
Fine, okay. Whatever.

Joanna sulks. Captain Oblivion fiddles with his fork.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Captain Oblivion apologizes.

JOANNA
Really?

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Yes. He has acted without--

Suddenly two bearded men dressed as pirates burst through the window, swinging on ropes, cutlasses in hand. It’s FISHMAN and LOBSTER BAIT. Fishman stands a good half foot taller than Lobster Bait and sports a larger beard.

FISHMAN
Captain Oblivion!

Captain Oblivion bursts from his chair in a rage.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Fishman! You have plagued me for the last time! I shall crush your puny bones for your impertinence!

LOBSTER BAIT
Not likely, Captain Oblivi-JERK!

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
I have had enough of your blandishments Lobster Bait! Your spine will be the next to be ground beneath my heels!

JOANNA
Okay, That’s it! I’m outta here.

Joanna grabs her jacket and purse and starts marching off.

JOANNA (CONT'D)
Thanks for a horrible time, Captain.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Wait...

Captain Oblivion reaches out a hand imploringly. An awkward silence as Joanna storms out.

FISHMAN
Dude, were you on a date?

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
Yes...

LOBSTER BAIT
Way to be a jerk, man.

FISHMAN
Yeah, I mean we wanna defeat you as much as the next superhero, but you could have just told us. We’re not heartless, you know.

LOBSTER BAIT
Yeah, jerk.

Fishman and Lobster Bait shake their heads sadly and step out the window and onto the street.

Captain Oblivion stands still for a moment, then sinks to his chair, nursing Joanna’s glass of wine.

CAPTAIN OBLIVION
...I’m so alone...

FADE OUT.