Breathe

Breathe......



The first step is always the hardest. The first breath is most difficult to take. Turning away and going the other direction seems almost impossible. Forgetting is unthinkable. Painfully, I put one foot forward, one step between you and me. I close my eyes and breathe. Another step, putting more distance between myself and the one my soul longs for. My feet are heavy, and my chest is tight, yet I will myself to go on despite the ache of lonliness I find when I'm not at your side. I want to look back, but I know that if I do I'll see you there, and I won't have the courage to move on. I'll want to run back into your arms where life was wonderful, where I felt safe and protected and loved. But I know that I can't. I can never have you. I know if I take one step back, I won't go on.

So I focus ahead on the unknown, not sure where I'm going but determined to get there. Needing to get to where you're no longer in sight, where I can no longer feel your breath at the back of my neck, can no longer feel your presence or the pull that your heart has on me. How far away will I have to get before that can be? Another step, another breath, and the distance grows. Should this be getting easier? Instead, my feet are heavier and the emptiness inside me grows. There is only coldness at my back now, and the chasm is too wide. My breaths are becoming more shallow, and I can barely stand the void inside that only becomes bigger as the distance between us grows. I feel like I'm leaving my life behind. I know I'm leaving my heart with you. I fight the strong current that tries to draw me back to you. I press on, putting one foot forward. Then the other. Heart breaking. Tears falling. Breath leaving.........



I feel like I've gone so far. Surely you're out of sight now. But I still feel your presence. I can still feel you so close. How can that be when I feel like I've walked a hundred miles? I stop. I can hear the beating of my heart. Or.........is it yours? Is it one heart beating, or is it two? Our hearts are so in unison they beat as one. How can you be near me? I turn. I can't see you. But I feel you still. I feel you as if you're right beside me. So close.

I gaze into the distance, hoping for a glimpse of you. Needing to see you. But there is only empty space. It's so quiet, yet the heart beat grows louder and stronger, and I realize it's not one heart but two. I hear you breathing, and it's like life to me. The current becomes stronger, and before I know it, it is sweeping me back to you. I can't stop it anymore than I can stop breathing. I see you in the distance as the chasm that was once so wide becomes more narrow with each passing second. I'm yours. I can't be something I'm not. Then I see your sweet face shining with tears, and you're enclosing me in the safety of your arms once more. Your soft lips touch mine, and I respond passionately. You're my air, and I can breathe again.



I know I'm back home.