Chase the Wind - One Thread

I glided through the door, the way I often do when I am around him. Our eyes met for a brief second as I closed the door behind me. He turned his head to the side, not meeting my questioning gaze. I moved slowly around the corner of my bed, trying to read his expression with every step I took. His eyes gave no clue, they were gray and seemed clouded with thought, and behind them there was a faint expression of an emotion that was unknown to me. I reached the side of my bed, no luck, I still had no idea what might be running through his mind. Not knowing concerned me, his tone of voice earlier had concerned me. What would he want to talk about so awful he couldn’t just spring it on me, that he had to give me two hours of warning?
I folded myself gracefully onto the bed, his expression remained still. I offered a smile. He turned his face toward me and quickly replied with a halfhearted smile. There was a moment of silence before either of us spoke. I waited not knowing what to expect. He took a deep breath, a chill ran down my spin.
“Flora,” his tone pierced me with unexpected force. Silence came upon us again, I could tell he was taking his time. Slowly and carefully picking his words, “this is harder then I ever thought it would be,”
“What are you talking about,” I breathed. I could feel a tightening in my chest. I searched his eyes, but they were still empty. Still searching through words and phrases. I moved closer and lightly touched his hand. I was instantly met with a wisp of cool air. I smiled grimly, he could never conceal what he was feeling. The movement of air would always give him away. His eyes snapped up, he held my hand between his two big hands. I moved closer, he opened his arms for me, an opening door, welcoming me into another world. A world I could never resist. We sat there, lost in time. I don’t know how long it was before he moved. He was pushing me away. I looked up into his eyes not knowing why. His expression was cold,
“I can’t do this any more, I have to tell you.” His expression softened after he saw the hurt on my face. There was still a cool determination in his eyes.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said softly as I tried to crawl back into his arms.
“ I have to tell you,” he said carefully avoiding my eyes.
“It doesn’t matter to me what you have to tell, I’ll love you no matter what,” I was shocked when he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me away. He held me there, his eye smothering me.
“I have to tell you, I’ve waited too long already,” I felt my eyes growing larger. I have never seen him like this. “It’s going to be a winter wedding,” he winced.
“What?” I gasped. My heart missed a beat then began again all to fast.
“Oh, I didn’t meant it like that,” he bit his lip, “sorry I shouldn’t have said that,” all the anger had left his eyes, but what was tormenting him in this way that he would act like this. He suddenly looked around, then released me. I almost fell back on the bed. He was my support.
“Am I going to get to see a wedding of the gods?” I teased
“No,” he answered to quickly. Then a smile crossed his face, his eyes drew me in. I realized he was leaning closer too. “You don’t know how much I want to see you at a wedding of the gods.”
Preferably after a short walk. I thought to myself. Suddenly there was a pain in my chest, I gasped forgetting how to breath. He caught my slight lapse of primary knowledge and laughed softly.
“Whose wedding is it that I am not invited to?” I pouted jokingly. I attentively watched his face, soon after I said that I concluded that it was not a smart thing to say. The warm aura that had been established recently was soon stone cold. He face played between overwhelming anger and uncontrollable sorrow. His eyes grew dark and hard, no longer light clouds, but now they were iron eluding my gaze. I quickly got a glance of leaden eyes, I was shocked. Tears welled behind them.
I slide across my comforter and wiggled my way into his arms. He didn’t protest when I climbed on to his lap and hung my arms around his neck. I looked up into his face, I noticed a tear rolling down his cheek. I slowly reached up to dab it away. His eyes never drifted away from his stiff straight glare as a touched his face. I rested my remaining fingers on his cheek. Still gazing forward he brought up his and placed it on top of mine. Entwining our fingers he brought it down slowly across his chest. I leaned my head against him. It was my turn to hold him, keep him safe and tell him it’s all going to be okay. If only I could figure out what was wrong. My question had seemed innocent enough. I closed my eyes and let the peace of the moment rush over me. My grueling questions drained from my brain. I was left in a safe, quiet nirvana.
“I love you,” the words slipped from my lips easily and sounded perfect.
“Mine,”
“What?” I drew back to see into his eyes. They pierced me, looking deeper into me then any other eyes had been.
“Mine,” this time there was no mistake, spoken slowly and clearly.
“Whats yours?” I asked in vein. I already knew the answer but I couldn’t slip away with out knowing for sure what he was saying.
“The wedding,” he paused “it’s mine,” I felt as if I had been push from the top of a tall embankment. I was falling, still not sure what was happening around me.
His arms tightened around me, but I broke through and pushed away. I crawled to the edge of my bed.
“You’re…” I stuttered, “you’re engaged?” saying that admitted I knew what was happening and I could no longer fall. No matter how much you deny the fall you cannot stop the moment when you finally hit the earth below you. Those words were the last thing I could say before I hit the bottom of realization. To my surprise the pain in my chest was mild, but I was quickly overcome by the nausea.
“This may be the wrong thing to say, but it’s not my fault,” he checked to see my reaction. “ I have no choice. It was decided even before I was born.” My world swayed around me, I clutched my stomach. Not feeling it was safe for me to talk I shook my head, half in response to him, partly to clear my heavily dizzy head.
“Can’t you do anything?” I asked, beads of sweat appeared on my forehead.
“When I was promised it wasn’t just a hand shake between our parents,” as he spoke cool air blew around me. I instantly felt relief, I gave him a grateful glance through the sickening feeling in my stomach. “This marriage, this thing was destine to happen. The fates have woven it into me. What they weave is the past, present, and future!” anger poured into his voice. His eyes grew colder then I have every seen them. He was trapped, and the frustration showed. He searched my eyes helplessly, “don’t you see Flo, I am already married to her! There is nothing I can do to change that. I hate this, I hate everything about this.” I sat wide eyed as I watched the anger spill out, “I am so cruel. Why must I put you through all of this, why my must this be so hard? If the fates had only left out one thread…”
“Am I that one thread?” I whispered. I felt a tear escape my over filled eyes and roll down my cheek.
“Flora,” suddenly he was right in front of me, cradling my head in his strong hands, “can you hear yourself, can you hear me? Whenever I look at you I think why? Why not her, why can’t I have her, why must we both suffer, why did I…”
“Go into the woods that day,” I finished his sentence in barely a whisper.
“Why can’t you understand? You are everything to me. I will never regret anything about this except causing you all this pain. Going into the woods that day was the best thing I’ve ever done, even if you hate me for it.” I turned away, I didn’t know what to think. I really wanted to believe him only I just couldn’t. No matter what kind of argument he made, no matter how his eyes pleaded with me.
My mind raced searching for something. I didn’t know what to feel or how to react. I had already accepted so much of what he told me, but this I couldn’t just take with a smile and a nod.
“Flo, please don’t hate me,” I looked up, he was blurred, my world was spinning. The fading nausea was back. I should hate him. He was selfish, to do this to me. He should have just stayed away. But then what would I be now? Just another person fighting their way through life, now I was someone. He had done that. He had not just been a figure in my life, just standing by watching my life unfold. He had help shape me into who I am. Part of me was because of him, and while doing that he had become part of me. I could never hate him. No matter how much I should.
“Who is she?” I asked staring him straight in the eye,
“She is the daughter of the moon,” he trailed off.
“What’s her name?”
“Rosaline“
“She sounds pretty,” I sniffled
“Flora please,” I stared into his eyes; I wasn’t backing down. There was another long pause of silence. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. The flood of emotion was still unfolding and it was another emotions turn to take over.
“Leave,” I looked up, he seemed hurt, “please, just I need to be alone, I need time to think,” I must have looked more of a wreck then I thought, he got up and moved toward the window.
“Hold on,” he stopped and looked over his shoulder halfway before I finished the two words. A glint of hope sparkled in his ash eyes. On shaky feet I stumbled to my bedroom door. I opened it, standing beside I took a deep breath. “Please, can you wait here? I want you here when I am ready,” he nodded and came toward me.
I couldn’t make eye contact as he approached. I could feel his eyes on me, they left a warmth on my cheek. I slowly reached out to stop him as he passed through the threshold. When I looked up his eyes were already on me.
“Please, I really do need to be alone, I don’t want you in this room in any way.” I held his gaze with such an intensity he could not be mistaken of what I meant. He nodded.
“Do you need anything?” he asked, I shook my head quickly. My eyes slowly slide down his face and on to the floor. There was silence for a brief second before I heard the door click. A sudden drive caused me to twirl around. With both hand I gripped the knob, I twisted and pulled sending the door flying open. He was half way around the corner,
“Promise,” he looked at me with an expression that was more forlorn and more beautiful then any face I had seen in any form of art. It struck me with such a force it knocked my breath out of me. “Promise you’ll be here when I am ready?”
“I promise,” his eyes stung me, and I could only stand there with my mouth hanging open as he disappeared down the hallway. The world was suddenly a blur. My legs began to quiver, there came tight feeling as if some one had wrapped their had around me and began to twist.
I slammed the door with everything I had. I took the few weak steps to get me to my bed and collapsed. My whole body ached. My head spun making me dizzy, which caused the reoccurring sickness.
I lay motionless on my bed, I buried my face into my pillow. The cool blackness, which I found myself incased in was a nice change from the spinning. I could feel the damping of the pillow on my face as I opened up, and let the tears flow freely. I tried my hardest not to think, that didn’t work. I could hear his voice; in the darkness behind my eyelids I saw his face. And always on his face that look. The one that I feared would be the last that I saw. He had looked more like a piece of artwork then human.
His eyes I couldn’t shake. His ashen eyes had seen so much. They knew more secrets then a human could hold in their lifetime. And now even with them gone they still pierced me through my own mind. They drilled through the outer layer that I put out for the world to see and into what I hide.
Trying not to think had failed miserably. My new approach was to keep my mind busy. I thought back to last fall. It was hard to imagine, me going through my normal life. Not knowing he was out there. Had he seen me before last February, had he watched me before? I tried to clear my mind. I remember flying out to Boston last summer. I remember how the hot air felt on my skin as I walked the freedom trail. The heat that’s only relief was a stiff cool wind… I ended that memory abruptly.
I tried to advert my mind by singing quietly. When I first opened my mouth my voice sounded strange and hoarse. It sounded a lot like gravel as I sang the first verse to the first song that came to my mind. My cousin had sung this song in a musical we had put on as children. It was a very depressing song. I had found it on my dad’s Moody Blues c.d. I stumbled over the first verse. It had been so long since we all pretended to cry through our laughs. When I got to the refrain I choked on my words. Like a leaf on the breeze you flew away. No more singing.
My eyes came open suddenly. The bright light overhead left me temporarily blinded. I struggled to sit up, and squint around the room. I needed something to clear me mind for just a little while. I knew I would have to think eventually to figure out how I felt. Only I couldn’t do that now. My mind was still processing everything. My brain was still in his arms listening to his breathing. Everything had moved so fast since then. With one little word time exploded into a burst of speed. Mine still echoed through my brain bouncing off the walls repeating its journey back through my head.
I thought momentarily about turning on the radio. Seeing the many faults in that plan it was quickly aborted. My hands reached for my clock radio anyway. I brought it close to my face to inspect the numbers. I stared at the glowing green lines, trying to identify each number and it’s meaning. After a few minutes hesitation I concluded that it was 8:47.
For a reason unknown to me my eyes watered. Swelling with tears. I blinked them back. I was tired of crying. I was done with it, for now, maybe later, but not now. My eyes were extremely tired, but I feared that once I closed my eyes he would return. His perfect face was the last thing I wanted to see.
I dug through my closet searching for some way to occupy my mind while it sorted through the evening. I pulled a stack of old notebooks from my previous years in school, their purposes ranged from morning work to writing notes with my friends. I slowly flipped through their pages full of words. I pulled out a gray notebook with writing all over the cover. Running my fingers over the cover I recognized it as Loriana’s and mine. I haven’t talked to her since middle school. I wondered why we had stopped talking? I couldn’t remember the reason no matter how hard I tried. Then a sudden over whelming sadness came over me. I knew I shouldn’t be this upset over Loriana’s and I lost friendship, but I was. I felt wetness on my checks and I knew I broke my resolution. In some small way this didn’t count, I wasn’t crying for any other reason then the fight between Loriana and I that led to us not talking. There was no other reason, I told myself, but even I could tell how sad the lie was.
Through blotched vision I flipped through the pages. I read a few of our notes. I mostly complained about my reading class and band. I smiled when I came across a picture of my fellow trumpeters from my 7th grade band class. I traced one of the oversized heads I had drawn with my finger. I hated that. Band was the one of the worst memories I had of middle school. I flipped through the last few empty pages and slowly closed the cover.
I picked up another notebook that held pictures I had drawn along time ago. Most of the pictures were dresses I had designed, but there were a few pictures of strange things that I could not identify. One I eventually made out to be a dragon. I also located a pen on my nightstand. I sat stiffly on my bed and sketched strange pictures, which I could probably take to a psychologist later in life to be analyzed, I bet Carol would be overjoyed.
Time passed faster now. I rolled my head over my shoulder to glance at my clock. I was a little shocked to find it was already 10:33. I could no loner avoid what was plaguing me. The dark shadow at the back of my head was ready to spring forward. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I sprawled out to relax for a minute. I closed my eyes, deciding to let them rest for a minute.



My eyes opened easily and I felt well rested. Now I couldn’t dwell any longer. I looked around wanting to know if there something special that I should be doing. While sweeping around the room my eyes caught the clock. To my horror it was 1:30. Had I really been asleep for that long? It only seemed a few seconds. I shook my head to clear it.
Once I wrapped my mind around losing 3 hours of precious time, I began to think about how I was going to go about doing this. Again my eyes swept the room and landed on the notebook and pen. I slowly reached for them and brought them into me. I gripped the pen tight. I still wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Part of me wanted to take the pen and stab my pillow. I wanted to gut the thing, letting my anger flood out. The other part wanted to turn the pen on me. I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like with out being able to think, Don’t worry you only have to wait a little while before you see him again.
With out thinking I slowly brought the pen down to the paper. Preciously I wrote in my finest script. I stared down at my lettering. Dear Zephyr, I read the beginning of my letter in my head. I went on to scratch my first line out onto the paper. I felt absolutely ridiculous. I started out asking why. Why did he stay, why didn’t he just leave me in the woods? Why did he talk to me, why did he come looking for me later?
The more I wrote the less awkward it became. I stopped carefully choosing my words and picked just what came to mind. A few more sentences into the letter I was writing vigorously, my pen scratching across the surface of the paper. I didn’t hold back I wrote exactly how I felt. My hand couldn’t keep up with my racing mind. Quickly I moved from emotion to new emotion. I wrote the pain that I felt, and the anger, the confusion, the betrayal.
My letter spread across three pages. As I came to a conclusion I went back through my letter and wrote points I had forgotten to make, phrases I forgot to use, and names I had forgotten to call him. My pen slowed on the last sentence I needed the perfect words. I trusted you. Those were the only words I could put down. My feelings couldn’t be expressed; the words just didn’t exist.
I dotted the last period with a large blotch of ink. I moved my pen farther down the page and signed it, yours truly, Love Flora. I drew a quick little picture of a flower next to my name the way I always have when signing letters. I flipped through the pages of the letter and sighed. I felt much better, but still not ready to face him again. I felt my eyes sag from exhaustion. I wanted to lay back and sleep, but I couldn’t yet.
I quickly ripped the letter out of my notebook and folded into fourths. My mind scanned the room for a good place to hide it. I opened the drawer and stuffed it under all 18 years worth of junk. I struggled with the drawer to shut it. I sighed again and collapsed on to my bed.
Finding sleep was not as easy now. I couldn’t imagine talking to him face to face. I dreaded the moment when I could put it off no longer. I planned it out in my mind. What I would say, all of his possible responses and what I would say to them. In one plan I screamed at him until tears rolled down my face, in another I pleaded with him not to go. I needed him; I needed him to stay with me. I knew I wouldn’t act on either, but I felt better having a plan. The last plan I remember before I fell asleep was plain and straight walking out there and telling him to leave. I could already see the hurt in his eyes. No matter how wrong it sounds that made me feel better and I gently drifted into sleep.


When I woke for the final time it was 5:13. I lye still thinking for what seemed a minute but ended up becoming a half a hour. I forced myself to sit up when the clock changed to 5:45. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if my parents came home to find a strange boy sitting in our living room. I pulled myself out of my bed and stood myself on shaky feet. Like a foal learning to walk for the first time, I took a few clumsy steps.
I hesitated at the door. I reviewed all of my plans dwelling on which would be the most effective. As I reached for the door handle I realized all of my plans were missing one key part. The part when he left, the part where I never saw him again. Would I want my last words to be loud, pathetic, or cruel? My stomach turned, I was an actor about to go onstage without reading the script. I felt helpless, but I had already committed myself into opening the door, or I would have been tempted to jump back into bed.
The first thing I felt when I opened the door was a cool blast of air. My skin crawled with goose bumps as I took my first pace into the hallway. As I rounded the corner to the final stretch of hallway I saw a dim light in the family room. I took a deep breath and walked onto stage. His big bright eyes were the spotlights singling me out on an empty stage. The show was on.
“Good morning,” I mumbled suddenly looking down.
“Whats so good about it?” he asked stiffly. He stood from his seat on the sofa.
“Well,” I said looking up into his eyes, “you’re here,” a smiled weakly.
His eyes lit up, he had finally got the answer to the question that had caused him to pace all night. I didn’t hate him. The joy on his face was unmistakable. He opened his arms inviting me in. I staggered forward and fell into his arms. Finally I was safe, finally I was home and I didn’t want to belong anywhere else.
“What are we going to do?” he asked smiling down at me, but I could tell there was seriousness behind his question.
“I don’t know, we can just stay here forever,” my voice was muffled into his chest.
“Flo,” he said pushing my back so he could see into my face.
“Don’t go,” I pleaded
“I don’t want to, but… Flo please,” I released my grip around him and allowed him to push me away. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to do.
“Just don’t go, don’t marry her.” I searched his eyes for any chance this would happen.
“If I did that I would be putting you in way too much too danger, everyday would be a fight against the universe.”
“Lets fight the universe,”
“It’s not the simple, when you screw with the universe it has a way of getting back.”
“How?” I wasn’t going to let this go.
“It balances it’s self out, if I just didn’t marry her, if I stayed with you the universe would fix itself. It could make it as if I never existed, or you too. You could just be gone. I can’t stand to live in a world without you.”
“Isn’t that what your doing,”
“I’ll be with you forever,” a cyclone of air spiraled around us. I fell into his arms one last time. I pulled back to look into his eyes. While doing so I caught I glimpse of my reflection in the TV. My hair was almost my twice it’s usually size.
“Oh my god, look at my hair” I tried pointlessly to mat it down.
“I like it” he tried to run his hand through it, but it got trapped among the tangles, “ it looks natural, wind blown,” he pulled his hand back to no avail.
“Owh!” Our eyes met and we both laughed. I felt a gentle breeze as he laughed. “I was planning to take a shower.” I was feeling gross, “You’ll be here to dry my hair, right?” His face grew serious.
“Once you walk through that door you’ll never see me again.” My knees began to shake uncontrollably.
“Walk me to the door,” I asked, I don’t think I could walk without him by my side. His smile was his answer. Silently we walked down the hallway. We stop at eh bathroom door, I turned to look up into his eyes. They looked so helpless, alone.
“Can you smile please,” my question had confused him. “I don’t want to remember you like this, this will be the last time I’ll see you,” I had to swallow to keep from sobbing. I could feel a lump forming in my throat. “I want to remember you like you are, not like this. Could you do this for me,”
He smiled his beautiful smile for me one last time. Tears rolled down my face,
“I love you,” he continued smiling though his eyes looked distant and empty.
“Goodbye love,” I stared into his eyes until I could bare it no longer. I turned quickly and ran through the door before I changed my mind. I slammed the door shut behind me. I stopped for a moment to inhale. I spun around and yanked the door open,
“Wait!” I shouted, but he was already gone, “wait…”