a love too strong for him to see

He makes me feel wonderful, i feel so happy and grateful to have him, for him to be mine; or at least i should feel that way. right? i am his, i am his light, a light i don't feel is what it should be, or i what i want it to be, maybe thats too much to ask for. I still can't belive that; i have him. Out of everyone, he chose me. He is yet, another miracle. I guess that, this is the second time it's happened, i get something that i always felt in my heart would never come my way, and for awhile, just like once before, it didn't, but then, an angel came down on me, and simply brought him, my way.

I remember seeing him for the first time, sort of i guess love at first sight, but it wasn't. Or i think you would think that was what i felt, since my mouth was practically wide open, watching him enter my english class. This one was different, in many ways. One way that surprised me and still does, i could never take my eyes off of him. With the one before he, i would always hide myself, he was different too. They're quite the same, but quite different as well. The one before, he would always ask questions and such, the talker out of us i guess you'd say. I'm usually a quiet person, still am, but not so much as before, and i think it's because of him, the before too, both of them rather i believe. The before one i would stumble and keep my head down all the time, look out of the corner of my eye, just to see him. I was too much a coward to turn to him and look at him, especially since he sat right next to me. I remember once he slid my enitre desk over to his side, that was a good day. We had real good days he and i, i sort of miss them, i wonder if that is wrong, since i have someone special now. I know he would get quite jealous if he knew this.

The one before, i think i was inlove with him, well thats the only way i can describe what i felt for him, it might be stronger and more powerful than my love now, sometimes i feel it is, but my love now, we're much closer, a lot closer, but still the one before, my love for him was so strong it scared me. I wanted to be his, and he mine, forever. He was also troubled too, like my love now. I wonder if i have a curse for that, or if they're sent to me to save, or to show great mad love to;because i am such a loving person, it's unbelieveable, even to me. But thats how i am, a passionate, and compassionate person, not to brag. I wanted so badly to save him, the one before, to take away his pain, he too will never know my love for him. He knew what came out of my mouth and what i showed towards him, but there was so much more in my head, i just wanted to yell out, " let me love you, and save you, don't ever turn from me, it'll be a mistake"! Quite insane, and maybe even a litttle obsessive, but not in a strange follwing him around way, i assure you!

I just wanted him to see how much i loved him, how much i cared, how much i would even, take a bullet for him. Once again probally insane, especially since i didn't even know his middle name or something importantly obvious, but it's how i felt. You might be thinking it was just some teenage crush, but it was so much more, i know, i felt it, more than a running away with him way, i would die for him, still would. Call me crazy, maybe i am, i'm starting to take in that assumption. I remember the day he touched my hand, it was so sweet, and probally dumb. I looked at him with an " ok, what was the purpose for that" kind of way, but i knew, it was the day i realized he was falling for me. He wouldn't tell me why he touched my hand like that, and he looked away with the most funny but cute and adorable expression, he was embarrased, i too, but more so happy. I went home that day with butterflies and complete awe in my heart. But the most important thing i remember he did, i did, we did, the thing i prayed for, the thing i wished for, the thing i imagined, the thing i envisioned, the thing i dreamed about, we kissed.

It was just once, he kissed me once before on the cheek, and yes i'll gladly admit i was bubbly about it, but the actuall kiss, was amazing. That too i still can't believe happened! It was just about like five seconds or so, something u'd just probally shrug over but, to me, it was a kiss i'll never forget. I'm not some regular love struck teen, im sure if u knew me, you would understand. And you would agree im much more than that, better than that, i am more mature than that. Yes i do have my moments like everybody but, i am more secure, mature, and wiser than you think. The before one, he and i are still close, just close friends, still in rememberance of our time together, myself more than he i guess. But he still looks at me like i'm a great person and like he's glad he met me, so he say's. He really changed me, he got me through some fears and struggles, and inspired me even, not to write this but, to know that love is real, miracles are real, dreams and wishes come true, and that GOD does listen.

My love now i love so much, he inspired me to write this, like i said. He is the one i love and want to be with. We have gone a month and 17 days without seeing each other.Which i don't really seem to process well, because, it's not like we can't. We don't live that far from each other, it takes some driving distance but, we can still see each other. He's allowed to come over my house and hang out, he know's this too, and he said he would but, he only wants to see me for a certain thing. I won't say but im sure you can figure it out. That really upsets me, its not all i am to him, i assure you, im more than that. But i just can't help the feeling that maybe that's how he
see's me as, and it really doesn't help that he is what you'd call a pig for the ladies, and i thought that too, i saw it, but when he came to me, he just stopped and only focused on me. He let me into his heart, not for that specific reason, because he's been hurt too much to do that to someone, to just have and then leave onto the next girl, he is not like that, that surprised me too! I know what i'm doing, really. We just got so close and i just felt it all as a dream, a great dream, a dream i had every night. My love is great to me, i had him pegged all wrong, and i was so sure i didn't. It wasn't a judgement thing, that saying of " don't judge a book by its cover" thing, not at all, just like an i'll except you for who you are kind of way, i'll take that in and do the best i can with it, but then when he realized he wanted me, it turned into, oh, you're not like that? you are great, you are sweet, you are smart, you do have a heart. Basicly i told myself i would be ok with him being how he was, a "player" so to speak, and that i wouldn't let my feelings and my heart get the best of me, how they ached for him to choose me and not anyone else, how much hate and jealousy they felt when he touched another girl. I wanted to just scream at him "just tell me you want me too, as badly as i want you, stop playing games and messing with my every emotion, and just say you love me too"! Again, insane and a little obsessive me, but i really couldn't take it anymore.

I told my heart to give up once, to just let him go, and i tried. I tried giving other guys chances, they would have been good to me i know that much, and i tried to let them in, break the chains of my love, but they wouldn't come loose, they wouldn't budge; he was always in my head. I'll let you know how long; an entire school year. I had him in my head, mind, and heart, and he stayed there. He didn't move, i tried to make him, i even tried to push him by getting to know someone else, a friend of mine now, but  we had a quick romance before. But even with him, my love was still there, and it angered the hell out of me. "Why won't you get out of my head"! I yelled once to myself. "GOD take him from me, he doesn't belong, he's not feeling for me what i feel for him, why can't you take him out of me, it's only hurting". I said that too, once when i cried myself to sleep. I do that alot lately. But he wouldn't, i was imprisoned with him in my everything.

This one i assume i wasn't too afraid of, like how i said me not being able to look away from him. I remember just staring at him, every time he looked up or looked my way, i'd be on his eyes. For a bit i think he would get agrivated and suspicious, and maybe even afraid of how i would always be looking at him. Once he even said, " why are you looking at me, every time i look at you you're always staring at me". I flushed bright red, but then something i said, and it shocked the hell out of me, definitely something i'd never say or get used to saying, well to someone i had a strong like for, but i replied with, " i'm sorry, i just can't seem to keep my eyes off of you.i usually look away when people look at me but, you, i don't know why i keep staring at. it's funny and very surprising, must be something about you." Yes i said that, i said all of that! Thankfully the bell rang so you know i shot out of my seat like a rocket and went away from him as fast as i could. But strangely enough, he followed, and i guess thats when we started to become close friends, before we became close as a couple.

Maybe that was it though. What i had said that day, maybe that is what finally got him to realize i liked him and more! But still that was way long ago before we even knew each others last names, so why all the sudden would that pop into your head, and you txt me saying you like me? I still wonder about it, and i asked him before, but he didn't give me a straight anwser. Is he hiding something? What's to hide, he trusts me, and tells me everything, mostly. This i don't seem to find too personal or something to just simply look over you know, i told you why i liked you and wanted you so badly, now you tell my why the sudden change? But mostly it was why now? We got together near the ending of school, which i hated! That happened with the before one too, i'm cursed! I don't know, it's a lost cause, but i still want to get out the answer behind that.

He is my light, he is my rain, he is my hope, my faith, my belief, my trust, my soul, my inspiration, my darkness, my loathness, my love. I want him to have all of me; i want to have all of him. We'll say we do, but i don't feel it, i don't feel like the real thing. Thats why i wonder if my before love was stronger, it probally was, it was nothing like i've ever felt. But i do love my love, he is my everything. I liked him and wanted him longer than my before love. I need him, i want him, i yearn for him. I need him to touch me again, to kiss me again, to hold me again, i need to see those eyes. I need to feel his soft hands on my face again, i need him to kiss my forhead like he always used to. I need him GOD, it's been too long that i've seen him, and i don't know how long more i can go. My heart is, not slipping from him, my heart is locked on him, it's in his place and it's staying there but, im loosing myself again. I feel the only option is to cause pain, or to just end it all, and i know you know what it means when i say that. He is my love, i need my love, i want my love, and i know he wants me too. I miss him terribly, my heart is aching for him, and now with loosing myself, it's hurting me more.

I wrote this to speak out, those who are hurting with love right now, i know how it feels, in many ways, i've been hurt. In writing i find that i can let things out, tell myself exactly what im feeling and why im feeling that way. Sometimes i can mix up my emotiones or mix up the cause for them, writing is like my own detailer, it's like my own adviser, and i get joy and happiness from it. It is my dream, it helps me cope and get through things, anything.

I don't expect anything from anyone, i wrote this for me. Whatever it brings to you whether it be a great story or a waste of your time, which im sure it will, i can only say i wrote it for me. I wrote it to get out of my head, myself, to learn what i need to do and what i don't.

Writing can sometimes be my savior, my helper, my therapist even. I write to feel, i write to get joyness, i write to inspire, i write to release anger, i write to.....to..... to sometimes, just write.Why, because i love to, my passion.