Mr. Clitorisman I Presume

Mr. Clitorisman I Presume

This title could be very deceiving, it would be easy to imagine that you are about to read some torrid tale of a great lover, you would be mistaken. Not to say that I don’t think of myself as a great lover, I just mean that this story is about a trip I took to Mexico when I was only nineteen years old.
Cancun is world renowned as a top rated tourist Mecca. There is something for everyone. The beach runs on forever, fine white sand crowning a crystal blue Caribbean sea. There is a myriad of hotels of all sizes and shapes, all of them offering breathtaking vistas of the deep blue siren, which draws all of us to her bosom. The town was custom built with the visitor in mind. The streets are filled with dreamers wandering among the endless array of shops and restaurants, being tempted by the promise of moments and mementos that will make their trip unforgettable.  There are adventures to suit anyone’s taste, whether it be water sports, land based tours, or serene walks on the beach. And, when the sun sets the fun only begins. This is the time of the day when things really start to heat up.
The night sky is alive with a heavenly light show, the deeper the look the more you see, if you stare hard enough you almost feel as if you are swimming amidst those celestial bodies. The streets take on a mystical feel as the glow from the lamps cast just enough light to hide the things that go bump in the dark. The air fills with a strange energy, expectancy, anything can happen now. The bars and clubs are pumping out music and promising fulfillment for every soul searching. The debauchery doesn’t end until the first rays of sunlight signal the end, and then we drag ourselves off to where ever we will wait out the day, and dream about the legend of the darkness.
Being only nineteen I thought I had died and gone to heaven. For the first time I was truly on my own, no parents, neighbours, or friends watching my every move. In this place I could live out my every fantasy.
During the day I spent every moment I could outside enjoying the hot sun. Splashing in the water with beauties I found on the shore, or searching for a new adventure to test my mettle. I          tried parasailing, water skiing, snorkelling, and even scuba diving. My energy knew no bounds, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t tire myself out.
When night claimed the day a whole new world would open up to me. I would go to the clubs & bars totally alone, just me and a room full of strangers. It was the exhilarating and terrifying moment of my life. Growing up in a small town meant that everywhere you went you knew everyone you met. But not now, now I was unknown, a stranger. Who knew who I was? I could be anyone, anything. In my mind I was James Bond or a super hero. I was an actor playing a role and I loved watching as the play would unfold.
After a few days of this kind of living it became very apparent that if I didn’t change something I would soon be out of money. They say that “necessity is the mother of invention”, this was certainly true in my case. My friends and I started looking for ways to save money, keeping in mind that we still had to have fun.
One of the first methods that we struck upon was time share condos. You see at that time there was a big push to sell time shares to the tourists. The different companies would compete vigorously for their business, trying to entice potential buyers by offering all kinds of incentives. The ones we were most interested in were the ones that fed us and gave us a gift, usually alcohol, for just going and listening to the sales pitch.
We really started to have fun with it, making up names and bizarre professions for these sales meetings. It got so strange that in one particular instance my friend Hugh V pretended to be a classical pianist. When we met the young lady who would be giving us the spiel, we all shook hands, but when she reached for Hugh’s hand, he jerked it back vehemently, stating in his most haughty of tones, “I don’t shake hands”. The saleslady was shocked and taken aback, but was quick to recover, “oh yes I forgot you are a classical pianist”, this was the first time I had heard what job Hugh had chosen. I almost couldn’t control myself, I felt like I was going to burst out laughing at any moment, I managed to maintain my composure, even though the thought of Hugh dressed in tux and tails performing for a house of uppity classical music fans was ridiculous to say the least. Amazingly that is not the end of the story, the young lady who had greeted us was beaming from ear to ear with excitement, “oh Mr. MacDonald this is so wonderful, we have a Baby Grand in the main foyer, and it would be such a treat if you would play for us.
If it had been me I probably would have cracked at that moment, but not Hugh. Again in his most hoity toity voice, “I make a living playing the piano, you can’t possibly expect me to play for free”. Just like that Hugh V had dodged the bullet, although quite honestly I think she knew we were putting her on, she just didn’t care, she was there enjoying the sun just as much as we were.
Now as bad as that story was it is nothing compared to the one I am about to tell you. Hugh V had set up another time share meet and greet for our little group, this time however Hugh had made all the arrangements on his own, and he refused to tell me what name he had given for me or what job I was supposed to do. No matter how much I bugged him he refused to disclose anything to me.
The closer I got to the place the more nervous I got; Hugh was the biggest prankster I knew; what was waiting for me. I determined to be ready for anything I wouldn’t let him get the upper hand. No matter how ready I thought I was, nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen. 
When we arrived at the facility we were greeted by a stunningly beautiful young goddess. She greeted each of us in turn, starting with Hugh V, then Jody, and finally me. She already knew our names and used them to address Hugh and Jody, when she went to say my name she actually took a physical pause, before she finally stammered out John, more stammering, Clitorisman, a question more than a statement. Oh my god, I wanted to crawl away I looked over at Hugh V and Jody, who were visibly stoic, but I could see how hard they were laughing on the inside. She repeated my name, for effect I think, “John Clitorisman”. I stuck out my hand and said that’s me at your service. Then she knocked me for another loop, and you’re a gynaecologist?  I wanted to kill to kill the both of them right there, but I kept up the charade, yes just like my father and his father before. She asked me to spell my name to make sure she had it correct, “C-l-i-t-o-r-u-s-m-a-n”, oh she said, you spell it with a U, I said most people make that mistake, don’t be embarrassed. Then she asked what the origin of my name was, I said it was an English name, she said what? I explained, just like Potter, or Smith, names which referred to a person’s profession, Clitorisman was the profession of my great, great, great, grandfather, we had changed the middle I to a U so it wouldn’t be quite so disturbing for people. Satisfied with my explanation she let it drop there, and we continued with the rest of the activities.
Like I said Cancun gave me many opportunities to reinvent myself, but it wasn’t long before the need for adventure drove me on, and one day I hopped on a bus and said goodbye to the crystal blue sea, and headed inland to Merida.