An Urge to Die: Preface

Preface

There is a condition I like to call UTD. It is a condition in which the subject has an uncontrollable urge to die. There are many people who have this disease, me included. I have battled this disease for many years, from the very beginning, but it has taken a toll on me. It has made me weary in this path of life. I feel it when I’m at work, at school and at home.

It takes affect as I walk into my house. My medication sits on the coffee table. It's as if it's looking at me, daring me, asking me to take a few more today. I mustn't. I know this. I walk into the bathroom, as I do every evening after work, but this time my bathtub calls out to me. Pure white porcelain, shines in the fresh light begging to be dirtied with blood as I flip on the switch. There hangs my razor, right beside the handle. It’s much easier to die when you’re in water. But I mustn't.

I finish my business, wash my hands and leave the death room. I walk into the kitchen to make dinner, as I'm slicing the carrots for tomorrows stew the disease overcomes my will. Come on, just one little gash; only a few centimeters deep on your wrists, it won't hurt. I give in. I haven't died from this yet, why would I now?