Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace

Once upon a time a girl and a boy fell in love. The love between them was undeniable and true. And over time that love would lead them through anything. Magical things happened to them, things they couldn't explain, much like love itself. And like most fairytales, the girl and the boy lived happily ever after. At least that's how it should have been. But it's never really like that, is it?

You fall in love with the most unexpected people at the most unexpected times. I, for instance, never imagined that I would fall in love with my best friend. But I did and it changed my life forever. However, the period of time in which I was able to call him mine ended too quickly and his feelings towards me which once upon a time made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, those feelings disappeared. But it was more than just a feeling because of what it brought to my life: direction, beauty and meaning. There were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes I walked among them. But even in my darkest hours, I knew in my heart that someday it would return to me, and my world would be whole again.

I met Kanhav two years ago and fell in love with his individuality the minute I started talking to him. There was something about him that made me want to talk to him more and more with each conversation we shared and after a few months I realized that the feelings I had for him were not just feelings of friendship anymore, and not long after, we started going out.

Our story might not be an epic love story and our relationship probably wasn't the kind of relationship you see in movies, but I loved every moment of it. People say that you can't have everything you want, but I learnt that that isn't true, because I when I was with him there was nothing more I could ask for and after being his girlfriend for a week I realized that I was, and would always be, in love with Kanhav Anand.

Our relationship was different from all the other relationships because not only was he my boyfriend, but he was he was my best friend too. No guy understood me the way he did or made me laugh as much as he did. He knew me and stood by me through everything and when he looked at me it was as if he was secretly trying to tell me not to give up. Being in his arms was the most amazing feeling and the times when he wasn't there was the most alone I have ever felt. When I say I love him I don't say it out of habit or to make conversation. I say it to let everyone know that he's the best thing that ever happened to me and that no matter what happens, no matter what he does or how much he hurts me; he will always be the one for me.
It hasn't been easy on our friendship since we broke up and even after our relationship ended there were times when we both fell back in love with each other, usually at the wrong times. Things got harder when he moved to China a couple of months ago. Realizing that I wouldn't be seeing him everyday was heartbreaking and our last goodbyes were long and painful. It's been tough, but the truth is, I'd rather have tough situations with him than complete perfection with somebody else because I know in my heart that no fight will ever last too long, 'goodbye' will only last until the next time we meet and that sooner or later, we will end up together.
I don't get to see him everyday anymore and it kills me to miss him the way I do. His smile would always put a smile on my face no matter how upset I might have been and gave me hope that everything was going to be okay. Thinking about the words he once said to me always save me when I need to be saved and though we might not share the kind of friendship we once did, we're still always there for each other and we know we're still gonna be best friends through it all. I don't know how I let myself fall in love with him. I can't remember when it happened or how it happened but it's all been an experience that I've learnt and grown from in many ways.

Somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid little fights and all our jokes, I fell in love. And I don't know where I stand with him or what I mean to him anymore, all I know is every time I think of him all I want to do is be with him. But this isn't a fairy tale where everyone lives happily ever after so I can't say that he feels the same way about me today. Kanhav moved on, and has fallen in love with someone else. I don't know how or when I'll be able to get over the pain I feel when he talks about her. It's strange how you can be so jealous of a person you've never met or spoken to before but I can't help how I feel for him. For as long as I've known Kanhav there has never been a time when I've had to share him with another girl- until now, that is. Isn't it the worst thing in the world knowing the love of your life has a love of their own? This whole thing is new for me and something I am trying with all my heart to learn to deal with so that I can find the strength to be happy for him and accept that the love we once shared no longer exists between us.

Some days I go to the place where Kanhav and I would hold each other for hours and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That's the toughest part- letting go. That's the part of grace that really sucks.