My Testimony

MY TESTIMONY

By C.E.
After four years, my relationship with Jen came crashing down. I was brought to my knees in front of God, who was there all along, patiently waiting.

In my early years I felt abandoned by the most important people in my life. My mother was divorced when I was three and I have very few memories of my biological father. When I was five, my mother remarried and I was legally adopted by her new husband. When I say "Dad", he is the one I mean. I was the middle child in my family I have two older siblings and two younger siblings. My mother was a functioning alcoholic and pulled the house together the best way she knew how. She loved us, working two jobs to give us the best life she could. My dad didn't pay much attention to us and was very controlling when it came to my mom. I had friends and a girlfriend , but I wanted my parent's love and approval. My relationship with my mom was close to non-existent and my dad didn't pay much attention to me. I attended a public school and knew I wasn't like most of the other girls. My grandparents were the only people in my life whom I looked to for spiritual guidance. I attended church when I was able, but had not yet received Christ as my personal savior.

I will tell of how God loved me at a time in my life when I felt unlovable and hopeless. I had become very depressed. Rather than turning to God, I turned away from God. I began drinking, smoking cigarettes and living the homosexual lifestyle at 13.I did all of this without my parents knowledge.

I knew I was different from the other girls at my school as I had no interest in dating guys as they had. I did however find myself attracted to my best friend whom I knew had similar desires. I waited for my interests to change, but my same-sex desires only deepened. By 13, I knew that I wanted a woman to fill the empty places I felt inside. I didn't tell anyone of my struggles. Who could possibly understand? Satan was fighting a battle for my soul. Unfortunately, as my interest in God increased, so did my interest in Jen. We met the summer before I entered eighth grade at camp she had been my camp councilor and had been influential in leading me to accept Christ as my savior. Jen gave me unconditional love, just what I'd been seeking . Our relationship became close and emotional, then physical. We dated for four years before I told anyone of our relationship. My parents had known her but never found out we had been dating. I finally decided I no longer wanted to hide my identity from others and told my best friend about my relationship with Jen as I knew she would understand. Jen was not happy with the fact that I no longer wanted to hide our relationship as she held a prominent position in her Church. Our breakup was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. My parents could not accept the lifestyle I had chosen and our relationship became more strained. I was a Christian on the fence of indecision. I couldn't believe homosexuality was really wrong, or that I could ever feel towards a man what I felt for women. I was so afraid of spending the rest of my life alone. I prayed, "Lord, I don't know how to stop these feelings for other women, but I'm willing to learn. Please show me. Assure me that you will provide the love I need."

Life did not change overnight. In fact, the next few years were sad and empty. I began drinking and partying so much that I stopped caring. By this time I was basically at my lowest point. I started isolating myself from my friends and family. I hated school. I was very depressed and needed counseling, but even that wasn't working.

The alcohol wasn't working. It was only making things worse for me. I knew there was more to life. I was hospitalized for depression and suicide attempts. During

all that pain the only thing I could think about was what I was doing to my family, making them worry and hurt for me. I never wanted them to know what I was going through -- what I had been going through for years. But I self medicated to numb and void out pain and suffering. To make a long story short, I remember the exact moment when I realized there was a very real battle going on for my soul and God truly saved me from myself. I had the intent to overdose. I felt that I would never overcome my guilt, fears and addictions. I wanted to die. I felt truly hopeless and unworthy. I remember looking in the mirror telling myself, "I hate you," over and over. The battle raged. I fell to my knees and begged God to help me, to save me -- and He did. The doctor could not believe that I was alive after the amount of drugs that were in my system. He told me I was lucky to be alive, but I knew at that moment I was blessed.

After a few months I was on the road to recovery and was starting to regain control over my life. I tried dating guys but was not physically attracted to them. While in my freshman year of college I struggled in trusting men. I didn't want anything to do with them especially after I had been drugged and raped by 3 guys one night while attending a party. After that traumatic event I told myself I would never allow a guy close to me again. I dated two other woman over the course of four months but could not find the satisfaction I was longing for. I was depressed and struggling spiritually. I didn't understand why God was allowing me to continue living this lifestyle if it was so wrong. . I began an intense search for my true identity and purpose. It brought me to my knees in front of God, who was there all along, patiently waiting.

I began to read my Bible again. "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). I felt this was a promise from the Lord, that one day I would be free from the emotional turmoil. But now I know I was grieving to purge myself of whatever kept me running to the wrong places for a sense of contentment. The following weeks were euphoric; my physical and spiritual senses were awakened. I wanted to be a Christian and remain gay, yet knew homosexuality was contrary to God's plan. I also knew there was an adversary trying to prevent God's love from reaching me. I had been ignorant about what God's love and Satan's destructive ways were all about.

I had one good friend in college and we decided to get an Apartment off campus so that we could avoid the parties in the dorms and focus more on our school work the upcoming semester. A couple weeks before school started my roommate had told me that she thought I should meet this guy she knew through one of her old high school friends. I was hesitant but eventually agreed. We met on a blind date set up by our college roommates. I wasn't sure how the date would go but I decided to give him a chance. The date wasn't what I expected at all he was a Christian, caring and polite and very quite not like the other guys I knew who I avoided at all costs. I had a huge wall around my heart and was not ready to let anyone enter especially a guy I didn't even know. Today I don't know what I would do without him, for the past four years he has helped me through many obstacles and has stuck by me through everything. He is the reason I am here today .

James did not realize at the time that he was the one that helped me to realize that God does have a plan for my life. The more I submitted to God, the more I have been challenged to give up whatever does not fit God's will for me. Not only my sexuality has turned around, but also my career choices, educational goals and relationships. My relationship with my mother began to blossom and I enjoyed spending time with her. I was reunited with my biological father and we now have a great relationship. James helped me in leaving behind a lifestyle I had lived for years, he gave me a reason to stop drinking and smoking. Most of all he gave me a reason to live again. Our relationship was long distance but we were growing closer everyday. The wall I had placed around my heart was being torn down and I was able to trust again. When we got married I felt nothing could happen to tear us apart, then my mom died 2 months after our wedding from liver Cancer. I felt that just when my life was getting back on track it was beginning to fall apart again. Together James and I dealt with my moms death which was followed shortly after by the death of his grandmother. I also had to figure out how to deal with two miscarriages within months of each other. I just couldn't understand why in our first year of our marriage we had to face the loss of family we held so close and the family we desperately wanted.

We attended church regularly but I felt I didn't belong. I continued to struggle in my faith after we'd been married a year I decided to talk with one of the pastors of the church we were attending and after a several counseling sessions I had decided to take the next step in my faith and to become baptized. After the baptism I began to notice a great change in my life. Spiritually I was stronger than I had been for years although I still didn't feel welcome in the church we were attending.

After much persuasion I convinced James to let us attend a different church. I immediately felt like I was welcome and that this was were God wanted me to serve. We had just purchased a home and although I was currently out of work I trusted that God would provide. Two weeks after we had moved into our new home I had found a new job and was beginning to feel a part of the church community. I knew then that I was were God wanted me to be.

It's an ongoing process of saying, "OK, Lord, I don't always feel You are at work, but I believe You are and I trust you completely". One of the most important lessons I've learned is not to base conclusions on how I feel. Certain situations make me feel vulnerable, but God is aware of this. In knowing that, and turning it over to Him, all the pressure is taken off me.

"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it" (1 Cor. 10:13).

I realized that I needed help. With my Christian upbringing, I knew the truth of God's Word. I cried out to the Lord and He heard my cry (Psa. 40:1-2). He took me by the hand and began leading me on the journey toward wholeness. love and acceptance. Since then I have grown stronger in my faith and have completely given God control over all aspects of my life. I'm not saying that my life has been free from trials and obstacles. I do feel however that nothing is impossible with Jesus Christ and as long as I continue to trust in Him Things will eventually work out