I alone

I was gonna go home tonight. That was my plan as I left my friends house.I probably should have, But the quiet of the night and the fog so thick I couldn't see the lines in the road,made me want to keep driving. Who knows why. I think maybe I felt like God knew I needed a night like this. Sunny days make you feel like you should be happy. Or at least pretend to be. But a gloomy night to a person like me is like nature has mirrored the way I feel. Theres no pressure to feel something I don't. I don't have to make others believe i'm content when i'm anything but.

There is a light up ahead but I don't know how far it is or if i'll ever get there. I keep going not knowing where i'm going but knowing I can't turn back. I end up the same place i always do. A place i used to call home no matter how thick the fog, I can always find my way back.I drive for 20 miles and when I get there I don't stop. I only slow down a little, trying to see if the porch light is on. waiting for me to get there.I know it won't be it never is. it never has been.

I want so badly to be a little girl again. So sweet and innocent. Untainted by hurt. But i can't. I want to run to my mother when I fall, but then I remember I never ran to anyone. I just hurt alone, in private. I never cried.Crying was showing weakness. Being weak meant you need other people. I keep telling myself that I don't need anyone. I've been alone for so long.I can do this i'm strong. but here i am again. wanting so badly to be something I never was. Probably never could be.I feel like everything is a dream.Everyone and everything i know is just a figment of my imagination. And I alone am all that exsist.