A treasure hunt the Honk Hillian way |
Sketch for up to four speakers and pathetic music. Pathetic adventure flick music. A wild river rushes in the background. Wind kisses the birds in the woods. TREASURE HUNTER NO.1: It seems like an eternity. TREASURE HUNTER NO.2: An eternity? TH 1: Since we roamed this land to bury our treasure here. TH 2: Yes. Years and years of patience. My father died in the meantime. My mother died. My sister died. TH 1: No, your sister just turned the TV set on. TH 2: But she didn't move. TH 1: See, people tend to move very little in front of a TV. Get her exhumed when we return. She's alive. TH 2: I wrote my number on the urn, so she can call me if she's alive. TH 1: Back, back, back, let's go back: It seems like decades have passed. TH 2: Even hours, since we left this place in the morning. But now the waiting's over. This must be it! We've arrived. TH 1: Let me take a look and check the sky to be sure! TH 2: What do you see? Is it the right place? TH 1: (panicked) They've changed something! Panic music. TH 2: Who? What? Change? TH 1: The pattern of the clouds that marked the treasure's place! Someone completely changed the clouds since our last visit. TH 2: Who would do something like this? Pathetic music and a gong. ANNOUNCER: Our heroes need to calm down and a clean head now. TH 1: We need to keep our nerves. TH 2: So sad nobody wanted them. TH 1: Look, there's a gentleman wandering over there. Maybe he can help us. TH 2: Hello, lad. Who are you? What's your name? ANNOUNCER: Our heroes join the man who happens to be another treasure hunter with similar problems. TREASURE HUNTER NO.3: I used the pattern of the river's waves to remember where I hid my treasure. Oh, what a mess. Now I'll never find it. TH 2: And they simply changed your waves, like our clouds? Bastards. TH 3: It was a single man who did it. Luckily I've found the number of his cell phone on this maple leaf. Treasure hunter no.3 dials the number. He gets a free sign and someone answers. MALE VOICE: Oh, I'm so glad you've found my lost maple leaf! TH 3: Where do you know? MV: I have a cell phone for every maple leaf I own, and there's only one leaf missing. TH 1: Ask him why he changed the clouds. TH 2: And your waves. MV: It was for training. TH 3: What training? MV: I musn't tell you on the phone. TH 3: Why? MV: Because you would hardly understand me while I was sitting on the phone. TH 2: Ask him if he can reconstruct the clouds and the waves. We must get our treasures back. MV: Sorry, I'm afraid I can't. TH 3: Why not? MV: That's on next year's schedule. But I'll give you a clue. TH 3: He'll give us clue! TH 1 & TH 2: We don't want your clues. Just a hint to solve the problem. MV: Do you want the clue wrapped? ANNOUNCER: First our three treasure hunters agree on the color of the present's wrapping, then they start to chatter. TH 1: What treasure did you bury on the river's banks? TH 3: My wife. TH 2: Why did you bury your wife? TH 3: Because I promised to dig her out as soon as I find the family's shovel. TH 1: But you don't carry a shovel. And how did you manage to bury your wife without one? TH 3: Well, because I didn't know you needed a shovel to do that. A female voice interrupts the gentlemen's talk. TREASURE HUNTER NO.3′S WIFE: Darling. Darling, I'm sitting on a rock over here. TH 3: There's my wife. Why are you sitting on a rock? WIFE: Because you took the cell phone. Your two friend's treasure is lying next to the rocks over there. TH 3: I wouldn't call it a friendship. TH 1: Why on earth did we put our treasures next to some bare rocks? WIFE: Since the ground is much too hard to bury anything in it. Wally, why don't you take me home? TH 1: Your name is Wally? TH 3: No, but we call our left shoes Wally. TH 2: Sorry, Mam, but as long as we can't reconstruct the clouds ... TH 3: ... and the pattern of the river's waves... TH 1: ...like they used to be when we burried our treasures... TH 1,2 & 3: ... we have to harden our hearts and be able to wait. Pathetic music. ANNOUNCER: In this moment of shear desperation, the three men's eyes suddenly lighten up! TH 1: See, the male voice made a sketch of the clouds and waves. It's on the back of the maple leaf! Some luck, finally! TH 3: Here it says: "Please insert exact amount to use the leaf." Do you have any change, lads? TH 1 & 2. Yes, here, put it in. THE LEAF: YOU BLOODY BASTARDS! TAKE THE BITCH, THE GOLD, THE PLATINUM, THE JEWELS AND THE CASH AND LEAVE HERE! Next. TH 3: It's my turn. TAKE THE BITCH, THE GOLD, THE CASH ... TH 1 & TH 2 & THE LEAF: Hah! Spoiled it. It was bitch, gold, platinum! TH 3: Ok, you nailed me. I'll start the next round ... ANNOUNCER: The voices of the happy bunch, lost in its play, faint. The river gurgles. So do the birds. |