Just a Blog

It is strange how we think our lives may be or how we dreamed as children, what we were going to be when we grew up and how fun and exciting life seemed too be , such a big world with so much possibilities and a dream for the future. I am sure we all have had that dream, but when those things do not come true, what do you do? We never talk about depression in our families or mental illness, it is like a big hush hush thing, or you feel embarrassed or ashamed that it is possibly you or someone you love. As quick as you can have a happy life is as quick as that life could drift away, and no one seems to know what to tell you or what to do. Or maybe it is the possibility that one could hope that someday it being not to late could show you the way and make things better. It is such a burden to think that there is nothing you can do to make things right, a huge drain on you emotionally and physically, this weight is so heavy it as if you are drowning in the sorrow of a forgotten child you wish you had, or the one that you want him to be, remembering is sometimes pain full when a smile or laugh you remember seems to be unheard now. What do you do or how do you feel, when life seems to go on with this child being mentally ill but seems to not be a part of your everyday life anymore. I sometimes feel my child is some what forgotten, and my life seems to be going on, then I glance at a picture on the wall and my heart feels so broken at the thought" what have you done, please don't forget about me," and I cry. I wonder if my life will ever be the same, then at look into my little girls eyes and feel how much she needs me, suck in my tears and make it through another day. People could only imagine how you must feel but they truly cant understand the pain and guilt associated with this. And you look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize yourself anymore because everyday without him a piece of you is missing. I don't know how to make things right, if he was home I would be complete but would he? I guess you can say he is a puzzle with pieces that just don't seem to fit together yet. And I guess there is no turning back because backwards isn't any better then how it is now. So then I ask myself what would make life complete, but the answer is when all the pieces fit together in the puzzle correctly. So life goes on even though it may not seem the same, but life is never the same because we as people change everyday and you look at what you do have and don't forget but move on slowly but surely and know that someone out there has it worse then you, and although it doesn't ease your pain it somewhat makes you look at the good at what you have and not take things for granted