Starting Out; I'm Starting Over

Starting out; I'm starting over

A good friend of mine recently told me that I am too young to be so jaded. Well that may be true, but in all honesty, if you were my age and had
been told some of the lies I've heard, and been stood up because your boyfriend was passed out from taking too much xanax, or been told that he
liked you but not enough to commit... you'd feel a bit jaded too.

In the few years dating experience I've had, I've heard some of the worlds best. Some of the best lines, lies, and excuses. And you know, I still hold no regrets. For all the assholes, mama's boys, and selfish pricks I've come across-I still wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change a thing because you guys taught me something. You taught me never to believe a fucking word any of you say, well at least until your actions match it. You've taught me to have a back up plan on the days we have dates arranged so that when you don't show because you were too busy working on your truck or were passed out from drinking and taking xanax, I still have something to do and maybe my dignity won't be so bruised. And those of you who won't commit? You know who I am talking about: the 30 year olds who can't afford to pay rent so they still live with their mom in her basement or the
one's who "aren't ready for a serious committment and say "I'd rather end it now while you're okay, than wait 5 months and hurt you."
The sad thing is, is that all of these have happened to me, and what is even sadder is that I have fallen for it every time.

You get so tired of being alone and seeing all your friends paired off that you don't want to stay in every Saturday night. So you force yourself to believe their bull shit, even though you know in the back of your mind, that if a friend was going through this and asked for your advice you'd set her straight and tell her to run the other way! But you know us girls, we have our "self-esteem" to think about.
You ignore signs in your pseudo relationship which are telling you (in a blatantly obvious fashion no less) that this is the wrong path and nothing about it could possibly ever be right. You're with your high school sweetheart who is your first real boyfriend and two years into it, they tell you "you know what our problem is? I'm your everything, and you're just a part of mine." Yet you are so afraid of being alone that you continue to love them inspite of them not loving you half as much and you put every god damn thing you have into it and sooner or later, the relationship
finally dwindles away. It dwindles because they end it, knowing you do not have the guts to be without them. They use that last month or so of courtship to make you hate them and they try to get you to do the horrible breaking up process so they feel like less of a jackass but no, you go on still loving them and so they have to end it. Then for the next several months as you are trying to get over it they keep sneaking back into your life and tell you they miss you and you're moved to the back burner while they "get things straightened out." Finally after a year or so of hell you find someone new that you deem worthy of your time, yet the process ends up repeating itself.
Or what about the one you do meet and he is the opposite of your first love and you give yourself to him even though he sees you as just another knotch on his bedpost. He likes the idea of a relationship, but he likes the idea of sex with random girls even more. He likes that idea so much that he attempts to come between you and your best friend because of how attracted to her he is. And your best friend tries to tell you over and over just how much he repulses her and you don't listen. You don't listen because you are in love; or so you think. You are so smitten with the half ass compliments he gives you and the fact that he wants you to drive the hour long distance each night to see him rather than the other way around.
And you're smitten because love is unfair. Love is unfair because it disguises itself as lust. And lust has an ugly ugly head.
But you know why love can be unfair? Because when the perfect one comes along it is so different and even the silliest thing can bring a smile to your face. This guy doesn't try lines and he calls when he says he will, and he doesn't shower you with expensive gifts just to get in your pants; nope not this one. Because this one is special. It's kind of like how if there weren't anything bad going on in the world; there would be no compassion. Well it's the same with love. If their were no shit heads in the world to put up with, then you'd end up taking love for granted.

This is the guy who will jump on a plane to come meet your parents because they are nervous about you flying out to see him. This is the guy who will sit on the phone with you for hours not making a sound because it is the only way he can spend time with you. It's the one who knows you aren't loaded so he offers to help pay for your plane ticket to come see him even though he isn't a millionaire. It's the one who thinks it's cute when you put the phone close to your cat so he can hear him purring; and you do it each night and he never gets mad. He never gets mad and he calls you babydoll because he knows you like it. He knows your mom's opinion is the most important in the world and so he tries his damndest to get along with her. All he does is everything you ask. He calls when he says he will, even if it's only for a second. He sends you a text message while he's working telling
you that he loves you, even though he isn't supposed to have his phone out. He knows that you're scared to death of what the future holds yet he is your rock the whole time and tells you no matter what that you are going to get through the hard times and that he'll be right there with you. This is the guy who knows how much you love taco bell and would get out of bed at 3 AM to go get you some just because you mention that it would be good right then. This is the guy who you can actually talk about a future with and he doesn't go running the other way, he is the one who cares.

And I am so unbelievably lucky because I have this guy. He is the most wonderful thing and he is just so handsome. You remember back when you were a little girl and all you wanted was to be a fairytale princess and your dad always told you that you could be one and then all those assholes tried to ruin it and make you think that your prince doesn't exist. Then one day when you're not even looking, when you're so fed up with love and relationships that you just want to give up, you look up and there he is. And the moment your eyes meet you just know. Because no one with eyes that kind and a laugh that great and a smile so genuine could ever be bad to you. And all he wants is to erase your past and hold you in his arms and tell you everyday just how beautiful you are and just how much he loves you. And no matter how corny everyone else thinks it sounds and no matter how high your phone bill is each month, you don't care because this is the first time in so long that all you want to do is smile.